Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Follow Up

So I went to the doctor to follow up after my miscarriage. I didn't wanna be there, but I don't really get that choice.

I needed to do this. I had questions.

The doctor asked me to come back again in 2 weeks to do blood work so they can test and see if something is wrong that made me miscarry. This is my 3rd one. I have no children. So now I just wait...

Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Day After....

I am sitting here wondering how to start this post. Yesterday I tried to sleep but couldn't. I got 2 hours of sleep Thursday night. I could feel myself getting the feeling of being manic. I laid in bed next to my soldier while he slept and I cried off and on. I got up and went to work last night and did my best to smile. He came with me, saying he thought he should go to be my support. Once we got there I knew it was because he needed to be with me for his own support. He looked at me with such sadness. Sat 5 feet from me and then sent me a text that said he wanted to drink it all away but he knew when he woke up it would be there. That ripped my heart to shreds all over again. I realized then how sad he was. He has been my rock and I realized that in my grief I needed to be his as well.

I managed sleep but just before I went to bed I realized part of our ordeal wasn't over. My bleeding had dramatically subsided but wasn't done. I had the worst cramping in my life. I believe I passed the rest of the tissue still in my uterus. It hurt my heart again. I feel empty. My heart feels a tiny bit lighter when he has his arms around me, but the empty and hollow feeling is always there. I feel hollow in my belly and literally feel like part of my heart is missing. Like it truly isn't whole.

I was working with a girl last spring who's nephew passed away the day after he was born. We all know that there are babies who pass away from things like SIDS, that women experience miscarriages. I see women who don't appreciate their children, who see motherhood as a burden. They don't realize how blessed they are. It becomes all too real when you are the mother of a loss or are close to someone who loses theirs.. love those little ones.. love your baby. Love your child. Thank God every day for the blessing He has given you.

We will try again. Later. We both want to. Someone told me last night that they experienced a miscarriage, their relationship didn't make it. I see us being closer, I see us being stronger, I see us being unable to make it through this if we didn't have each other. I know the only reason I haven't prayed for death is because I have him. Our hearts will heal.

Just a matter of when...

"Awake My Soul" - Mumford & Sons


Friday, October 26, 2012


I first want to say, this is my safe place. I am sharing my life here, but this is where I get to rant, rave, express my feelings, process my thoughts, allow myself to vent my horrible thoughts and feelings and then realize if I was wrong. I don't usually post my blog posts to my Facebook page but today I am. Again. THIS IS MY SAFE PLACE TO PROCESS. If you choose to at any point look at old posts, remember that. People change, opinions change, epiphanies happen, and I don't always post those. So please, I don't judge you, don't judge me.

Last week Sunday I went to the ER because I had spotting and cramping. I found out I was 5 weeks, I then KNEW when I concieved. Exactly. So today, I'd be 6 weeks and 2 days. The doctor did an ultrasound, blood tests, a urinalysis... Said bleeding and cramps are normal. If it gets worse come back but relax and stay off my feet. Rest. So I did.

I woke up at 6am starting my period today, after cramps all last night. I knew I was losing my baby. I dreamed last week Saturday night, the night before I went to the ER the first time that I lost the baby. All this week things were changing. My protein cravings went down, my moodiness became slightly less, my breasts stopped hurting so badly... Little things hinted along the way and I chose to ignore them.

I know I did nothing wrong. I know there was nothing I could do. Something was wrong with my baby and God chose not to let me keep this one.. He will give me one when its time.. but this baby I prayed so hard for... Was not my miracle baby we thought he would be.. I still think he's a boy. He may not have even had much for a heartbeat but he has a spirit, one I felt. And as his mommy, I know he was a boy..

I cry. I have cried a lot today. I want to sleep but I'm instantly manic. I am so tired and I hurt so badly.

I have an amazing partner. My soldier is the best partner I could ask for. (For new readers, to protect my friends, family, and enemies, I post no names to here, not for those I know that read, but for unknown people who read.) He is such a good rock for me right now. I am blessed to still have him. He is amazing and I love him so... I know we will try again at another time and I know he's meant for me... He's just as devastated as I am, just as he was just as excited as I was.

I have support from more then just him... I have amazing friends and family who love and support me. Thank you all for that.

I apologize for anything in advance if I become angry and guarded again.. I apologize if I say hurtful things because I'm not paying attention before I speak.. I just know the me I am when I am hurt... And I am sorry for how I become...

I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual... I do believe in God and I do believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. For my little family. I know I don't have the baby anymore but my soldier and I are still a little family surrounded by a bigger one...

"Breathe" -Anna Nalick


Saturday, October 20, 2012

2 and 1/2 Weeks

Until I get to find out how far along I am. It has only been a week and a half since I initially found out and it feels like a life time! I want to know my baby is healthy, I want to know that its growing right, and I want to make sure the dream I had last night wasn't a premonition...

I dreamed I am having twins... I don't think I'm ready for that... Not with what I want. I need to change some things, and I know I will need to work twice as hard to get there but I have to change things and do better for myself and my baby. I'm happy and love my life but it is not the life I want when I'm raising my child.

Written a week ago today... Posting anyway

Friday, October 19, 2012

Pregnancy Makes Me... Assertive.

Generally I have this filter. It decides its not my business, therefore, I don't need to say anything.

Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! Right now? That filter is OFF. And I am truly loving it. What I normally won't say I bluntly do. 14 year old with no clothes? Put your clothes back on since your bitching about the 40 yr old men gaping at you.. its that simple. I'm a bit snappy with my Soldier and that I do regret...

But I was snappy in the store today and about 2 minutes later he walked up and wrapped his arms around me from behind and said that even when I'm snappy I'm still amazing and he still loves me and kissed my cheek bunches. Which makes me feel bad for the grumpy... I try with him, I do, but hormones are everywhere.

I do however enjoy my snappy when its in the right places :) its pretty awesome...

Oh, I've lost 8lbs since I was weighed on August 29th, so 1st trimester is eating my body away. No appetite today... Maybe that's why I was cranky??


Saturday, October 13, 2012


So, i'm really only doing this because im pretty sure if i dont, facebook will HATE me forever!

I am the epitome of happy, glowy, excited mommy-to-be. i want to shout it from the roof tops that i am pregnant. then, just to be sure, i wanna shout it again. i touch my stomach every chance i get. hey, its mine. i will touch it as often as i want!! i dont even mind when family and friends are touching it already. Rich is the father, and hes so excited!! he told everyone he saw last night that hes going to be a daddy. i dont know too many guys who have literally been this excited. no hesitancy, no questions asking me if im sure i wanna have a baby and do all this. no doubts. hes scared, but hes thrilled we are having a child together. and i cant wait! so far *knocks on wood* my pregnancy has been amazing. dont know when im due yet, wont know til November at my ultrasound. if he leaves before i go to it that will be sad, but i will find a way to make sure he gets to experience the heartbeat with me...he rubs my belly every day and then says "you're having my baby" with the sweetest look in his eye.

this girl couldnt GLOW any brighter!!!

i think i will probably find a way to post to my blog pretty often as im going through pregnancy, since im going to wind up pissing off people on facebook with every thing... thats because ive had issues with my lady bits for years. i was told it would be hard to concieve, if at all. i have had enough oops and accidents that most women would have children from...a year of not using any birth control really... and then i look at girls who are on birth control, run out, go 3 days without, then start again and find out they are pregnant a month later. or havent had sex in months, have sex once, and boom. baby. this is my miracle baby....

Rich pointed out last week i was late. getting ready for work, i was laying in bed and he was getting dressed and he just looked at me and said " you know, you're late..." yep... i was aware. but according to the app id been following, it was Thursday and i was only 2 days late. i have a long cycle. like, 38 days long. yea... that in itself is a 5 week cycle! i didnt think too much of it. i had to hard reset my phone the day i was supposed to start and when i redownloaded my app, i had lost EVERYTHING.. id know what day we concieved baby if it hadnt been for that. i cant tell you now. no idea. i found a new app, even better in my opinion, and it said i wasnt going to start til one week later. so i really stopped thinking about it until Tuesday came. I had NONE of my period symptoms. Spotting, cramping, lil bit bloated, nothing. Wednesday came and i had to go by my house for something anyways before going back to continue my week long visit with Rich's family, so i figured i'd grab the tests i had at home. i decided to take it Thursday morning, since thats the best time. on my 2 hour drive back to his dad's, i thought a lot about everything... and knew at this point, i am late. i did the math and my period wasnt there, it was really late...and i didnt want to find out something was even more wrong with me... so i actually sat in the car and i prayed that i was pregnant. i prayed that i wasnt going to find out something else was horribly wrong, that i was pregnant, for once, and having a baby. that i could have a healthy baby... that Rich would really be excited... he had joked all this time about me being pregnant but you never really know how a guy is going to react until you have him truly in the situation. he jokingly told me to take the test when i got back. so at about 6:15 i did. and the 2 pink lines IMMEDIATELY popped up. i ran from the bathroom and shoved the stick in his face. he didnt know what i was saying, so i looked at his dad and said i was pregnant. his dad smiled and congradulated us and Rich kissed me and hugged me close and then said he was scared and went to smoke... all i can think at this moment is i needed to tell Jaimie, cuz she would understand where i was at. i called her and it took her a min to register what i was saying, but she finally realized i had my miracle baby. not married first like we wanted, but i dont even care now. i just want my baby healthy and i want to enjoy my pregnancy with Rich and watch out baby grow and be born and raise the baby together.. hes has told EVERYONE im pregnant. i did plan to wait... but he had it all over his facebook so i decided not to hide it. he couldnt contain his joy and i couldnt either...

 so i sit here... rubbing my belly, looking behind me to the man who helped me create this baby, i thank God it was me being pregnant, and that the baby was created out of love and i know its going to be a very loved little baby...

and i look back at this and realize these words dont begin to express what inside me at the moment...

"Blessed"-Martina McBride


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Holy Strawberries!

I'm having a baby! I'm pregnant! Years of thinking I'd never have a child... Thinking I'd be Auntie to everyone else and never having a baby... I'm pregnant! Confirmation tests tomorrow. Blood work. All that. Yay.

I'm excited! And so is my Soldier! He's honestly happy and excited and I can't believe I got that lucky! He was rubbing my belly and he's being all sweet... Apparently I was aggressive today, but I didn't realize... Feel kind of bad... But I think I can be just aware and maybe it won't be so bad... Maybe he can just say baby breathe and I'll calm down?!?!

Mom is excited, dad says I'm ruining my life... His mom n dad n siblings are happy and excited for us. And I have pregnancy buddy! His sister (my roommate) is pregnant! And his other sister in eastern washington! And my best friend over at Legos In My Pocket is! And I have more pregnant friends! It's pretty awesome :) super stoked!


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Movie Review: End of Watch

So I don't enjoy spoilers, and I used to do a movie review on my old blog on MySpace(obviously, ages ago) but I felt this movie was worth it. I truly enjoyed the film.

The Soldier and I went to the theatre yesterday to see End of Watch starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, and Anna Kendrick.  Didn't really know what the plot was or have too much idea as to what it was going to be about besides them being police officers. That actually worked to my benefit because it changed how I went into it. The movie has a soft underlying plot, but mostly is a very realistic feel of a day in the life. Gyllenhaal delivered an excellent performance and so did Peña. The movie had tons of laughing points considering it was a crime drama. I will warn that there was a few racist comments and definite race driven jokes and stereotypes but they were well placed and went both ways. The climax of the film was well done and I promise you, we would have heard a pin drop on the carpet. The theatre was THAT quiet. All popcorn digging, snack grabbing, and seat shuffling stopped.

All around a movie I definitely would recommend and I will definitely watch again.


Movie Review: End of Watch

So I don't enjoy spoilers, and I used to do a movie review on my old blog on MySpace(obviously, ages ago) but I felt this movie was worth it. I truly enjoyed the film.

The Soldier and I went to the theatre yesterday to see End of Watch starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, and Anna Kendrick.  Didn't really know what the plot was or have too much idea as to what it was going to be about besides them being police officers. That actually worked to my benefit because it changed how I went into it. The movie has a soft underlying plot, but mostly is a very realistic feel of a day in the life. Gyllenhaal delivered an excellent performance and so did Peña. The movie had tons of laughing points considering it was a crime drama. I will warn that there was a few racist comments and definite race driven jokes and stereotypes but they were well placed and went both ways. The climax of the film was well done and I promise you, we would have heard a pin drop on the carpet. The theatre was THAT quiet. All popcorn digging, snack grabbing, and seat shuffling stopped.

All around a movie I definitely would recommend and I will definitely watch again.


Friday, September 21, 2012

Dress Rehearsal

My boyfriends sister is getting married. I am here at the dress rehearsal and I don't know all the details of things... I started planning my own wedding when I was engaged. The song I wanted to walk down the aisle to was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. Interestingly enough, that is this bride's choice.

My brain becomes flooded with my own wedding plans and memories. It's interesting how it pulls at me.. my mind and heart feels slightly confused.

I am looking at this wondering if I truly ever will be the one walking down the aisle for more then just part of the bridal party.

My heart is hurting a little because I found out last night my boyfriend was dishonest about something. Not super important but his reason was he wasn't comfortable discussing it. So he lied. It hurt and my heart hurts.
I understand... But it still hurts...

Song: "Through Glass"-Stone Sour


Monday, September 17, 2012

Time of the Season

It's getting close. So close. I can't do anything to stop it and inside I'm screaming over it.

I am stronger now then I was before. I understand the things inside me better but it still isn't gone..

I'm looking at his departure date and my insides rip. I don't know how to take it all. I'm looking at him and inside I am silently weeping. I am going to be living 6 months without him. He's doing this to give his life structure. He's doing it for his future. For a future he says he wants with me... Yet... I notice his distance. Emotionally he's become distant and I don't know how to bring him back.

I keep thinking its me. Did we jump in too fast? Do I make him unhappy? Has my weight gain made him distant? I notice his habits.. different. Where as once when I would come home he would grab me and pull me close now he doesn't. He even pushed me away night before last. He feels so distant.

I can barely get anything from him. He tells me its in my head, or tells me he is still as crazy about me as day one but he used to cuddle with me. Used to. He says he's nervous and scared but so am I. I'm nervous and scared and trying not to lose him and I don't know how to keep from losing him.

I'm scared. I'm scared this wasn't what he thought it would be and he doesn't know how to tell me. When I try to bring it up it usually turns into a fight and I don't want a fight but I can't get him to open up. I try. I try to open the conversation but it doesn't seem to happen.

I know his life is about to change and so is mine but why does that mean I am on the outside when he's supposed to love me?

Emotionally I'm a wreck. Again.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

And There It Goes...

Sanity. Months of focus and trying to calm myself and feel better and keep myself sane.

How fast it goes to shit when you talk to me. How fast my sanity runs out the door, down the street. How I instantly wish to scream and rant and rave and cry so hysterically and start pushing people away...

When I'm like this I don't know how to deal with them and no one knows how to deal with me. I realize I don't know how to deal with anyone.

I'm ready to run away again. Find home in another state, country, life time. Just... Away...

No home. No roots. No chance for pain whether created by others or myself.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

One of These Days

One of these days you might realize how like your mother you are. I asked for help when I needed to, after you kept saying to do so.

You want your house to be without kids, I'm over 18 so your obligation is done so you say, and fine, it is, which is why I am trying to get out. Trying to take care of myself.

Unlike with you, I don't have someone to pay my rent. I have no one to pay my bills, no one to support me while I go to school. I have to do it all myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get myself to a point where I won't be freaking out cuz I can't afford my rent and trying to get a car and all that. I don't know what more to do.

I'm doing it alone. No mom to pay my rent. No dad to cover my bills. Just me.

I realize its taking a while but shouldn't you be proud that one come this far? Look at how far I sank. Look at where I was picking myself up from. But that doesn't matter.

Nothing is an achievement, just expectation. Regardless of what it is. I could be elected president, it was expected. Not earned and achieved.

Forever the disappointment.


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Bite Was Strong

It bit me... And now it doesn't wanna go away...


I... Want a baby... Badly...

I can't shake the feeling of disappointment each month that my period shows up, like its supposed to because I'm not pregnant.. not that I expected to be but I'm not. And I want to be.

Today is the 4th of July, I spent it with my boyfriends family even though the Traveling Soldier is not here. Nasty case of strep and he's home in bed. So I'm here without him.

His sisters, both here, have little boys. Both are great kids and I have so much fun with them, playing with them, making them giggle and cleaning up bloody noses and running around the lawn as the little one crawls... Dexter is 11 months old. So sweet, so awesome, not a crier at all. So I have fun with him. William is 2 and a great kid.

And I'm thinking... Ok. All my siblings have them. I'm the only one without. I enjoy being Auntie but I really want to be mommy...


The bug bit me and it bit me good...

Have a safe and happy 4th everyone


Wednesday, June 27, 2012


A little on edge. I'm pretending it doesn't bother me for the sake of my own sanity, but I am a little nervous this time.

My pap came back abnormal. Again. Of course, every other one is abnormal, and then I have a normal one. The doctor didn't even want to do my pap this time cuz I had one a year ago. I insisted. I'm glad I did. I've known that eventually I'd test abnormal and a doctor would actually do something, this time they are.

I have to set an appointment for a colposcopy(sp?) which is where they mix an iodine and vinegar solution and they wipe it on my cervix. They will then wait for my cervix to change colors and time how fast it happens, then they will do a biopsy. That will hurt... They did one before when I was 16.

Makes me nervous... And the Soldier is nervous as well.. he's worried about me now. I keep reassuring him, hopefully all will be ok. They mentioned cancer already, and if it is, then its been caught. I know I'll be ok.

Til later...


Song: "Breathe" -Greenwheel

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I still can't...

I tried. I wanted to. I have reason to. Yet it just won't happen.

I can't seem to hate him. Even with a baby on the way, I can't hate him. It went from we couldn't speak, to only screaming, to no speaking, to tentative but calm communication... Now, we talk. Almost normal, but what is normal when you were once madly in love and spending your lives together? We talk like old friends. There is still a pang deep inside at some things... And I do miss him. I miss the good. I miss the madly... Key word being mad... I mean it in the crazy term, not angry. It was irrational, but yet amazing. A sense of passion I had never known before existed inside me.

That, my friends, is why I can't hate him. The Passion he brought to my attention, awakened inside me. I am so torn in how to feel today, but I know that I can't hate him.

I know some people enjoy hating. Others do not. It's not that I don't, I just CAN'T... Not him. I just don't seem to have it in me to hate someone I once loved and cared for.

Still love and care for... Even if I shouldn't.

It started as he was my new best friend, then he became my boyfriend, fiance... Now he is one of my best friends, even if it hurts and is hard. He knows everything about me.

And now... I feel a little better...

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Vacation. It may only be 24 hours, but I need this get away. I need to relax. I need to breathe and just be.

I had every intention of allowing myself time. I truly did. I was going to spend all this time being me, getting all my shit together and moving forward in a positive way. Then... I met the Traveling Soldier. He leaves for basic soon, but there is a connection there. I wanted to push away and allow myself to be alone. I find that guys don't seem to allow their girlfriends to be as independent as some try to be. Some do... And those are very strong relationships.

The Soldier doesn't want to hold me back, control me, tell me what I can do or who I can be around. It seems weird. One of my friends told me I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. That may be true, but I'm trying. Taking things slow, allowing him to get to know me.

He makes me laugh. His depth of understand and patience for me is incredible. I require patience when being dealt with. Ask my good friends. Mrs. Lego's would tell you that's the case. I try her patience more often then I should(I love you!!). He brings an energy that just lifts things for me. I am happy.

I haven't been on medication for my bipolar disorder in almost 3 months. Starting in mid April, my evil thoughts started creeping in. Today....

I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I want to LIVE. I don't feel the desire to end my life. To be a flash of once existence. I just want to life. I feel a peace.

I often feel good at the beginning of every relationship, but not enough to effect how much I want to live or die. I feel amazing.

I still need my little get away, I haven't had one in far too long... I need to leave the city behind and get air.

So that's what I'm doing.


Song of the Moment: "Walking on Sunshine" (take ur pick of artist and covers)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

It Twists and Winds

The demise of my relationship... Not really my favorite thing to think about, but i realize, i need some closure. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to see what i couldnt before and allow life to move as it needs to.

Our relationship has been tumultuous. i think thats almost the perfect word for it. Mrs. Legos would tell you i love words. i love finding words that can express more then simply fun. or bad. or boring. tumultuous is a good one for this one.

Lies, on both sides, and thats the truth. you cant have a healthy relationship if you arent honest. at the same time, i was only trying to prevent a stupid argument over nothing. he lied about the nature of his relationship with people whereas i only lied about communicating. i truly was just friends with ASU, California, and the Guitar Player. he pretty much forbid me from having communications with them, but i was the only person California trusted. im his only best friend, to this day, even though his girlfriend wont let him talk to me. he will call me, and we will talk. ASU will ALWAYS be my friend. been my friend since we were 12, and hes always been there and i know he will always be. Guitar Player... well... we used to be a thing, but... another story for a nother day perhaps...

he would tell me this girl or that girl was just a friend.. he did cheat. other times i caught him talking to girls in ways he shouldnt have been. naked pics on his phone. him sending inappropriate pics. yes, hes an asshole. yes, he did wrong. with the exception of Mrs Legos, i dont really want anyone to hate him, i dont want her to, but she is not one i can control nor will i ever win the argument. its like shit talking about your parent, i can talk shit about my mom but dont you dare or ill break ur fucking face.

right now, i do love him, i dont think i am completely in love with him anymore, but thats due to the events that in the last 2 weeks. finding more conversations that are of inappropriate nature. we break up, he tells me he doesnt want me and has no love for me. not ne more. i still tried working it out, fool that i was. then, she calls me and tells me he told her that he said he was in love with her. it was freeing. i no longer really wanted that. now there is this baby.. his mom says that things dont add up, but i also know that he may not tell her the truth because he wouldnt want to be reemed for cheating on me and now having it sit as proof.

this baby girl, yea, shes a girl, is weighing on my mind and my heart. we had tried for a baby and didnt accomplish it, and it makes me feel broken. to realize he managed to do it with someone else... ouch.

i feel like i have so much to say here and yet, i cant seem to get it all out. i feel like my groove is gone...i was in a writing groove when i started this but now... i dunno. i feel like i need to vent, and yet i dont know how. not on this one. i dont wanna sit and cry. not at all. weird. i just... i wanna get the energy i feel out. i want it OUT. i want release. freedom.

i will get it. hopefully soon... i have the desire to make things work with the Traveling Soldier, and its not fair to have something like this hanging out..

Until later...


Song of the Moment: "Annamolly"-Incubus

A Long Road

It has been a very long couple of months. So much has happened, both good things, bad things, surprising things. My heart has been through a lot, my soul a lot, and today, i can't seem to think straight.

Where should i begin? I feel like i should possibly do this in a series of posts, or at least more then one. I guess i should start with what was or did go on back in December... I should re-read all my old posts but i just dont have time before i have to be at work tonight. I remember beginning a post that had to do with me being bipolar... or maybe being bipolar. I also remember the Ex reading over my shoulder(when he was still the Fiance) and getting angry because he had made me promise not to write about us online. Well, part of having a blog like mine is discussing my LIFE. I dont do special give aways, i dont have special however many days and a different photo theme. i dont do photo swaps or tea swaps like some of the other ladies i read online. Right now i have a baby blog. its the beginnings. its learning how to do this, learning how to become more computer compatible and learning things about myself. so, i broke my promise, much to his anger. as of right now, i cant remember if i posted that one or not. Oh well.

So... back to the bipolar incident... In December, i had a very tough time. i was having a hard time before then, but it seemed to get worse. i tried to ignore the thoughts in my head, i tried to find myself help. i even had a hospital number set up for getting myself help. therapy. councling. They. Never. Called. Me. Back. I called multiple times, i had been told i needed the admission person to set me up an appointment, no one else could. at this point, i dont remember her name. Either way she dropped the ball and never called me. My poor best friend had to pick me up from the bar one night, i was drunk. PUKING MY GUTS OUT drunk... Happens so very little. I rarely drink. i managed to drink too fast this night, and i vaguely remember telling her how badly i wanted to die. to stop caring abnout me and just let me go. if there is anything i know about drunk people, with my working in a bar, dating an abusive alcoholic, and just from life, when someone is drunk and says they want to die, they might just mean it. my heart had had enough. the Ex and i were together then, we had split for a brief time, got back together, but things were so hard. we fought all the time, he seemed to blow me off a lot, claiming to be trying to find work and help us. didnt work. didnt help.

I remember New Years Eve was a Saturday night... i also know that on Friday, the morning before, i decided to take a whole bottle of pills. i decided i was done. i have been asked if i wrote notes and letters. my response was no. i felt that i had at some point in the last month told everyone how i felt, told them where i was, and i hadnt gotten responses that felt like caring. i was lost inside my dark and twisted head. after yet another screaming match with the Ex, i grabbed the bottle and consumed the contents in 2 swigs. it was virtually right in front of him. he had turned his back, i had walked down the hallway. i think i dropped the bottle and thats when he saw. he hadnt noticed before then. things are a blur. i dont remember details, i dont remember most of my emotions. just... despair.

He tried to jam his fingers down my throat and i said it was his fault.i clenched my teeth as tight as i could and wouldnt allow his fingers in. he left. he said he would see me on the other side very soon, he was going to find something to do so he could meet me. hes allergic to morphine, so he said he would find heroine and shoot up til he died. he was planned. his mother lost her first son and had him to ease her heart. to think of her heartache over the loss of a second child was not something i could feel responsible for, even in death. i tried sticking my fingers down my throat. i have thrown up so often and for so many reasons i thought it would be easy. not so much. my stomach was not going to give up the pills. i ran out the door after him and asked him to help me.

i sat in the hospital by myself. i called my mom before i fell asleep, but she wasnt there until some time in the afternoon. this happened at 8am. my father was informed, he also didnt come. the Ex never showed. hes claimed his mom was calming him down and when they could finally go, i was gone. my mom took me home that night. they didnt keep me for observation, just sent me on my way and made an appointment for a psych evaluation... really? am i the ONLY person who sees something wrong here? If someone has hurt themselves, YOU WATCH THEM TIL YOU EVALUATE THEM.

I barely remember the weekend. at all. i slept. i felt so sick, of course, i'd poisoned my body. i was out of work for a few days, and i honestly felt like id never wanna go to work again. it felt terrible. everything made me sick.

I went on Tuesday to my appointment. Which was with a counceler, not a psychiatrist. They hadnt scheduled me for a psych eval. nope. they lied. i could have walked away and never saw them, and if something had happened, id say that they had dropped the ball again. i dont like to place blame, but this is a profession you chose to go into. you dont get to decide you dont care about these people!! if thats your feeling, find a new fucking job! anyways.

i knew something was wrong. i opted to have the evaluation, came back a week later. i was recommended cognitive therapy to help with my post traumatic stress disorder after my childhood and being raped a few years ago. i was diagnosed officially as being bipolar and put on medication. (which i have been too broke to refill... i am working on that, i like myself better on medicine) I have depression, and i need therapy.

I don't know what more i want to say on this or if i have anything else. i dont think i have many "readers" but i guess if someone has a question, i'd be happy to answer it...  until later...


Song of the Moment: "Little Talks"- Of Monsters and Men

Monday, January 23, 2012

Updates on the Weather

It rained a lot over the weekend and the temperature has warmed a bit, but there's still a lot of snow on the ground.. mostly it has now turned to ice...

I am still seeing friends and family posting about not having power, I know the bar I work at never lost it (cuz we are AWESOME LIKE THAT!) But the coffee shop did. From Thursday til Saturday there was no power. We got fresh milk and began our work day.

I worked last night my usual Sunday evening graveyard shift. It was...interesting. The girl inside the food mart came to get coffee. A guy walked over with his dog from AM/PM and went to a plant and it looked like he had tried to find something or put it down. He then walk to the ice cooler where they sell bags of ice, and did the same thing. Then went back to AM/PM before leaving and headed elsewhere. It looked like he went back to the AM/PM lookin for something. Weird. I never see weird things here.

The girls who work at a sister stand a few miles away? They see all kinds of weird. One girl watched a guy walk through the parking lot and suddenly collapse. He overdosed right there in her drive way and died. Another night, same girl, a truck pulled up, and the dude had some kind of utility bar on his truck. He HUNG himself in the parking lot pretty much right in front of her. I DON'T SEE STUFF LIKE THAT AT WORK!

The cops never found the guy last night, but I came to find out someone had thrown rocks through the window of the KFC next door. Broke in there so they took priority.

Another guy was persistent in hitting on me... He was down here from Canada helping repair power lines. (The "eh" every other word gave him away). He tried very hard, including offering me dinner, tickets to the Thunderbirds, and saying he knows the lady who owns my coffee stand chain and he texted her right there trying to convince me... No, I'm happily engaged. Which he said I was lying. No, I really am, engaged, and very in love, and you might know Obama, you still don't get a date.

Before leaving, a customer who works at the safety down the street came in. In his department ALONE he had to thrown out $40,000 worth of product. He must work the frozen food isle. Dairy would be toast. The deli department as well. The meat department. That's just ONE store. They had no power from Thursday morning to Saturday afternoon. Other customers still don't have power at home. My niece Lilly's mom won't have hers until at least Wednesday. That's a whole week. Hard with a little one. The snow by itself would have been fine. It was the ice that did crippling damage.

Time to get ready for work.. until later.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Winter (Updated)

For future notice, I am writing this at 3:15am on January 20th.. but being as I LOVE to antagonize my other  sock, I posted a teaser, until she comments on it and calls me a smart ass like I know she will, or texts me to tell me I'm a bitch for doing that.. I love her so... But I had to... Any who..

Winter was long for me this year.. at this moment though, I do not wish to discuss it yet... But I will. Just not today. Too much, too long, too many thoughts, feelings...

I am focusing on peace. I wish to keep myself in a state of peace for a little bit longer... So instead...

I post about the weather.

I live in the Pacific Northwest. I LOVE BEING HERE. It's beautiful, its green, lush, and amazing living here. I love the terrain, I love how in the summer we still get rain but its warm, I love that in winter I get to bundle up in a hat and scarf.. I even love how I HATE to be wet unless I am swimming or in the shower and yet I never use an umbrella because I find them a bit more hassle then their worth. To me at least. But I am weird and recently, discovered I'm crazy.. but another time...

Our weather here is often either rain, clouds, or in late June to end of August its beautiful and sunny. This year? Every few years we get snow. I remember in 2008-2009 we got snow.. a few days it stuck around and it was a good 12 inches or so.. growing up I wished for snow days but the trace amounts of snow was only ever enough to make us 2 hours late for school but RARELY did it get canceled.. I am fully aware that most states that actually have snow from October to March every year function as normal, life goes on, and school and work are never pushed to the side for snow..

We have treacherous hills, and our snow is WET... and this year, it was followed by freezing rain, which covered our 6-25+ inches of snow(depending on where in western Washington you are) with a quarter inch of ice. The beauty of it is INCREDIBLE... But its made for no power almost ANYWHERE and the temperatures are still any where from 26-32 degrees... We can handle weather here, but this would be dangerous for any and all.

And in that danger... I have seen SO much beauty... And as soon as I can get my phone to ALLOW me to post pics on my blog, I will. They are gorgeous and incredible and I wish for all of you to see... Even though I have only 2 followers... Haha and one is on my fb and has seen them already! But maybe one day when I'm all grown up I will have a lot of followers and they will go through my archives and see :) it would make me happy!

Bird walk! Back to the beauty.. as I walked home at 2am after work at the bar(before freaking out, I like 5 blocks away currently, its 2am, and there's all this snow and ice and freezing cold temperatures... Who is THAT desperate to rape someone? No one.) The trees are covered in ice.. all fallen over, broken, or weeping like a willow tree. Everywhere there is the sound of snow falling as a branch snaps and plummets to the ground.. sometimes hitting peoples cars or crashing through their windows or houses. The spots of undisturbed snow have iced over with a quarter inch sheet of ice. Amazingly, its safer to stomp through that then walk on the compacted ice. I could also walk in SOME of the slushy streets, but they are also icing over and I find the snow easier... Also the whole walking down the middle of the street thing...

I walked down streets and found what looked like water across a persons lawn.. nope, just the whole thing iced over and the porch light reflecting beautifully... My friend Melissa posted a beautiful picture on fb of a tree completely split in half.. the ice made it split directly down the middle.. beautiful and scary..

Nearly 300,000 people are without power.

Snapped power lines from the branches are all over the place. As previously stayed, we have mild winters. Lots of cloudy days, lots of rain, but never enough snow to cancel school. Homes aren't all built with fire places, many homes I see don't have them.. and to that I think insanity.. they have no heat. Businesses are without power, so they can't sell desperate cold people generators. Others are wishing they had fixed their generators. Everyone hoping to call a friend and say "hey, you have power, can I come keep warm?" Only to discover there's no power there either.

I do understand how many cities and states function perfectly with snow. I do. 200 snow plows to a city. We have 32 last I knew. 32 for the region. That doesn't go far. And it takes TIME. The cities only plow main roads, county roads, never our back streets.

I do truly believe that in the car vs skill debate, skill is what matters, good tires just as much.

The nice thing, we never have more then one snow event a winter. *knocks on wood* so I believe this is it. Good luck to all. Be safe and warm.

Anyways.. Sleep time... <3


P.S. A lot was updated to this post b cuz I got tired and sleepy! I couldn't not post, due to my teaser post, but I got sleepy and bailed. So now updated!