Wednesday, June 27, 2012


A little on edge. I'm pretending it doesn't bother me for the sake of my own sanity, but I am a little nervous this time.

My pap came back abnormal. Again. Of course, every other one is abnormal, and then I have a normal one. The doctor didn't even want to do my pap this time cuz I had one a year ago. I insisted. I'm glad I did. I've known that eventually I'd test abnormal and a doctor would actually do something, this time they are.

I have to set an appointment for a colposcopy(sp?) which is where they mix an iodine and vinegar solution and they wipe it on my cervix. They will then wait for my cervix to change colors and time how fast it happens, then they will do a biopsy. That will hurt... They did one before when I was 16.

Makes me nervous... And the Soldier is nervous as well.. he's worried about me now. I keep reassuring him, hopefully all will be ok. They mentioned cancer already, and if it is, then its been caught. I know I'll be ok.

Til later...


Song: "Breathe" -Greenwheel

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I still can't...

I tried. I wanted to. I have reason to. Yet it just won't happen.

I can't seem to hate him. Even with a baby on the way, I can't hate him. It went from we couldn't speak, to only screaming, to no speaking, to tentative but calm communication... Now, we talk. Almost normal, but what is normal when you were once madly in love and spending your lives together? We talk like old friends. There is still a pang deep inside at some things... And I do miss him. I miss the good. I miss the madly... Key word being mad... I mean it in the crazy term, not angry. It was irrational, but yet amazing. A sense of passion I had never known before existed inside me.

That, my friends, is why I can't hate him. The Passion he brought to my attention, awakened inside me. I am so torn in how to feel today, but I know that I can't hate him.

I know some people enjoy hating. Others do not. It's not that I don't, I just CAN'T... Not him. I just don't seem to have it in me to hate someone I once loved and cared for.

Still love and care for... Even if I shouldn't.

It started as he was my new best friend, then he became my boyfriend, fiance... Now he is one of my best friends, even if it hurts and is hard. He knows everything about me.

And now... I feel a little better...

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Vacation. It may only be 24 hours, but I need this get away. I need to relax. I need to breathe and just be.

I had every intention of allowing myself time. I truly did. I was going to spend all this time being me, getting all my shit together and moving forward in a positive way. Then... I met the Traveling Soldier. He leaves for basic soon, but there is a connection there. I wanted to push away and allow myself to be alone. I find that guys don't seem to allow their girlfriends to be as independent as some try to be. Some do... And those are very strong relationships.

The Soldier doesn't want to hold me back, control me, tell me what I can do or who I can be around. It seems weird. One of my friends told me I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. That may be true, but I'm trying. Taking things slow, allowing him to get to know me.

He makes me laugh. His depth of understand and patience for me is incredible. I require patience when being dealt with. Ask my good friends. Mrs. Lego's would tell you that's the case. I try her patience more often then I should(I love you!!). He brings an energy that just lifts things for me. I am happy.

I haven't been on medication for my bipolar disorder in almost 3 months. Starting in mid April, my evil thoughts started creeping in. Today....

I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I want to LIVE. I don't feel the desire to end my life. To be a flash of once existence. I just want to life. I feel a peace.

I often feel good at the beginning of every relationship, but not enough to effect how much I want to live or die. I feel amazing.

I still need my little get away, I haven't had one in far too long... I need to leave the city behind and get air.

So that's what I'm doing.


Song of the Moment: "Walking on Sunshine" (take ur pick of artist and covers)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

It Twists and Winds

The demise of my relationship... Not really my favorite thing to think about, but i realize, i need some closure. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to see what i couldnt before and allow life to move as it needs to.

Our relationship has been tumultuous. i think thats almost the perfect word for it. Mrs. Legos would tell you i love words. i love finding words that can express more then simply fun. or bad. or boring. tumultuous is a good one for this one.

Lies, on both sides, and thats the truth. you cant have a healthy relationship if you arent honest. at the same time, i was only trying to prevent a stupid argument over nothing. he lied about the nature of his relationship with people whereas i only lied about communicating. i truly was just friends with ASU, California, and the Guitar Player. he pretty much forbid me from having communications with them, but i was the only person California trusted. im his only best friend, to this day, even though his girlfriend wont let him talk to me. he will call me, and we will talk. ASU will ALWAYS be my friend. been my friend since we were 12, and hes always been there and i know he will always be. Guitar Player... well... we used to be a thing, but... another story for a nother day perhaps...

he would tell me this girl or that girl was just a friend.. he did cheat. other times i caught him talking to girls in ways he shouldnt have been. naked pics on his phone. him sending inappropriate pics. yes, hes an asshole. yes, he did wrong. with the exception of Mrs Legos, i dont really want anyone to hate him, i dont want her to, but she is not one i can control nor will i ever win the argument. its like shit talking about your parent, i can talk shit about my mom but dont you dare or ill break ur fucking face.

right now, i do love him, i dont think i am completely in love with him anymore, but thats due to the events that in the last 2 weeks. finding more conversations that are of inappropriate nature. we break up, he tells me he doesnt want me and has no love for me. not ne more. i still tried working it out, fool that i was. then, she calls me and tells me he told her that he said he was in love with her. it was freeing. i no longer really wanted that. now there is this baby.. his mom says that things dont add up, but i also know that he may not tell her the truth because he wouldnt want to be reemed for cheating on me and now having it sit as proof.

this baby girl, yea, shes a girl, is weighing on my mind and my heart. we had tried for a baby and didnt accomplish it, and it makes me feel broken. to realize he managed to do it with someone else... ouch.

i feel like i have so much to say here and yet, i cant seem to get it all out. i feel like my groove is gone...i was in a writing groove when i started this but now... i dunno. i feel like i need to vent, and yet i dont know how. not on this one. i dont wanna sit and cry. not at all. weird. i just... i wanna get the energy i feel out. i want it OUT. i want release. freedom.

i will get it. hopefully soon... i have the desire to make things work with the Traveling Soldier, and its not fair to have something like this hanging out..

Until later...


Song of the Moment: "Annamolly"-Incubus

A Long Road

It has been a very long couple of months. So much has happened, both good things, bad things, surprising things. My heart has been through a lot, my soul a lot, and today, i can't seem to think straight.

Where should i begin? I feel like i should possibly do this in a series of posts, or at least more then one. I guess i should start with what was or did go on back in December... I should re-read all my old posts but i just dont have time before i have to be at work tonight. I remember beginning a post that had to do with me being bipolar... or maybe being bipolar. I also remember the Ex reading over my shoulder(when he was still the Fiance) and getting angry because he had made me promise not to write about us online. Well, part of having a blog like mine is discussing my LIFE. I dont do special give aways, i dont have special however many days and a different photo theme. i dont do photo swaps or tea swaps like some of the other ladies i read online. Right now i have a baby blog. its the beginnings. its learning how to do this, learning how to become more computer compatible and learning things about myself. so, i broke my promise, much to his anger. as of right now, i cant remember if i posted that one or not. Oh well.

So... back to the bipolar incident... In December, i had a very tough time. i was having a hard time before then, but it seemed to get worse. i tried to ignore the thoughts in my head, i tried to find myself help. i even had a hospital number set up for getting myself help. therapy. councling. They. Never. Called. Me. Back. I called multiple times, i had been told i needed the admission person to set me up an appointment, no one else could. at this point, i dont remember her name. Either way she dropped the ball and never called me. My poor best friend had to pick me up from the bar one night, i was drunk. PUKING MY GUTS OUT drunk... Happens so very little. I rarely drink. i managed to drink too fast this night, and i vaguely remember telling her how badly i wanted to die. to stop caring abnout me and just let me go. if there is anything i know about drunk people, with my working in a bar, dating an abusive alcoholic, and just from life, when someone is drunk and says they want to die, they might just mean it. my heart had had enough. the Ex and i were together then, we had split for a brief time, got back together, but things were so hard. we fought all the time, he seemed to blow me off a lot, claiming to be trying to find work and help us. didnt work. didnt help.

I remember New Years Eve was a Saturday night... i also know that on Friday, the morning before, i decided to take a whole bottle of pills. i decided i was done. i have been asked if i wrote notes and letters. my response was no. i felt that i had at some point in the last month told everyone how i felt, told them where i was, and i hadnt gotten responses that felt like caring. i was lost inside my dark and twisted head. after yet another screaming match with the Ex, i grabbed the bottle and consumed the contents in 2 swigs. it was virtually right in front of him. he had turned his back, i had walked down the hallway. i think i dropped the bottle and thats when he saw. he hadnt noticed before then. things are a blur. i dont remember details, i dont remember most of my emotions. just... despair.

He tried to jam his fingers down my throat and i said it was his fault.i clenched my teeth as tight as i could and wouldnt allow his fingers in. he left. he said he would see me on the other side very soon, he was going to find something to do so he could meet me. hes allergic to morphine, so he said he would find heroine and shoot up til he died. he was planned. his mother lost her first son and had him to ease her heart. to think of her heartache over the loss of a second child was not something i could feel responsible for, even in death. i tried sticking my fingers down my throat. i have thrown up so often and for so many reasons i thought it would be easy. not so much. my stomach was not going to give up the pills. i ran out the door after him and asked him to help me.

i sat in the hospital by myself. i called my mom before i fell asleep, but she wasnt there until some time in the afternoon. this happened at 8am. my father was informed, he also didnt come. the Ex never showed. hes claimed his mom was calming him down and when they could finally go, i was gone. my mom took me home that night. they didnt keep me for observation, just sent me on my way and made an appointment for a psych evaluation... really? am i the ONLY person who sees something wrong here? If someone has hurt themselves, YOU WATCH THEM TIL YOU EVALUATE THEM.

I barely remember the weekend. at all. i slept. i felt so sick, of course, i'd poisoned my body. i was out of work for a few days, and i honestly felt like id never wanna go to work again. it felt terrible. everything made me sick.

I went on Tuesday to my appointment. Which was with a counceler, not a psychiatrist. They hadnt scheduled me for a psych eval. nope. they lied. i could have walked away and never saw them, and if something had happened, id say that they had dropped the ball again. i dont like to place blame, but this is a profession you chose to go into. you dont get to decide you dont care about these people!! if thats your feeling, find a new fucking job! anyways.

i knew something was wrong. i opted to have the evaluation, came back a week later. i was recommended cognitive therapy to help with my post traumatic stress disorder after my childhood and being raped a few years ago. i was diagnosed officially as being bipolar and put on medication. (which i have been too broke to refill... i am working on that, i like myself better on medicine) I have depression, and i need therapy.

I don't know what more i want to say on this or if i have anything else. i dont think i have many "readers" but i guess if someone has a question, i'd be happy to answer it...  until later...


Song of the Moment: "Little Talks"- Of Monsters and Men