Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Day After....

I am sitting here wondering how to start this post. Yesterday I tried to sleep but couldn't. I got 2 hours of sleep Thursday night. I could feel myself getting the feeling of being manic. I laid in bed next to my soldier while he slept and I cried off and on. I got up and went to work last night and did my best to smile. He came with me, saying he thought he should go to be my support. Once we got there I knew it was because he needed to be with me for his own support. He looked at me with such sadness. Sat 5 feet from me and then sent me a text that said he wanted to drink it all away but he knew when he woke up it would be there. That ripped my heart to shreds all over again. I realized then how sad he was. He has been my rock and I realized that in my grief I needed to be his as well.

I managed sleep but just before I went to bed I realized part of our ordeal wasn't over. My bleeding had dramatically subsided but wasn't done. I had the worst cramping in my life. I believe I passed the rest of the tissue still in my uterus. It hurt my heart again. I feel empty. My heart feels a tiny bit lighter when he has his arms around me, but the empty and hollow feeling is always there. I feel hollow in my belly and literally feel like part of my heart is missing. Like it truly isn't whole.

I was working with a girl last spring who's nephew passed away the day after he was born. We all know that there are babies who pass away from things like SIDS, that women experience miscarriages. I see women who don't appreciate their children, who see motherhood as a burden. They don't realize how blessed they are. It becomes all too real when you are the mother of a loss or are close to someone who loses theirs.. love those little ones.. love your baby. Love your child. Thank God every day for the blessing He has given you.

We will try again. Later. We both want to. Someone told me last night that they experienced a miscarriage, their relationship didn't make it. I see us being closer, I see us being stronger, I see us being unable to make it through this if we didn't have each other. I know the only reason I haven't prayed for death is because I have him. Our hearts will heal.

Just a matter of when...

"Awake My Soul" - Mumford & Sons


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