Thursday, July 26, 2012

And There It Goes...

Sanity. Months of focus and trying to calm myself and feel better and keep myself sane.

How fast it goes to shit when you talk to me. How fast my sanity runs out the door, down the street. How I instantly wish to scream and rant and rave and cry so hysterically and start pushing people away...

When I'm like this I don't know how to deal with them and no one knows how to deal with me. I realize I don't know how to deal with anyone.

I'm ready to run away again. Find home in another state, country, life time. Just... Away...

No home. No roots. No chance for pain whether created by others or myself.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

One of These Days

One of these days you might realize how like your mother you are. I asked for help when I needed to, after you kept saying to do so.

You want your house to be without kids, I'm over 18 so your obligation is done so you say, and fine, it is, which is why I am trying to get out. Trying to take care of myself.

Unlike with you, I don't have someone to pay my rent. I have no one to pay my bills, no one to support me while I go to school. I have to do it all myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get myself to a point where I won't be freaking out cuz I can't afford my rent and trying to get a car and all that. I don't know what more to do.

I'm doing it alone. No mom to pay my rent. No dad to cover my bills. Just me.

I realize its taking a while but shouldn't you be proud that one come this far? Look at how far I sank. Look at where I was picking myself up from. But that doesn't matter.

Nothing is an achievement, just expectation. Regardless of what it is. I could be elected president, it was expected. Not earned and achieved.

Forever the disappointment.


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Bite Was Strong

It bit me... And now it doesn't wanna go away...


I... Want a baby... Badly...

I can't shake the feeling of disappointment each month that my period shows up, like its supposed to because I'm not pregnant.. not that I expected to be but I'm not. And I want to be.

Today is the 4th of July, I spent it with my boyfriends family even though the Traveling Soldier is not here. Nasty case of strep and he's home in bed. So I'm here without him.

His sisters, both here, have little boys. Both are great kids and I have so much fun with them, playing with them, making them giggle and cleaning up bloody noses and running around the lawn as the little one crawls... Dexter is 11 months old. So sweet, so awesome, not a crier at all. So I have fun with him. William is 2 and a great kid.

And I'm thinking... Ok. All my siblings have them. I'm the only one without. I enjoy being Auntie but I really want to be mommy...


The bug bit me and it bit me good...

Have a safe and happy 4th everyone