Thursday, June 7, 2012

It Twists and Winds

The demise of my relationship... Not really my favorite thing to think about, but i realize, i need some closure. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to see what i couldnt before and allow life to move as it needs to.

Our relationship has been tumultuous. i think thats almost the perfect word for it. Mrs. Legos would tell you i love words. i love finding words that can express more then simply fun. or bad. or boring. tumultuous is a good one for this one.

Lies, on both sides, and thats the truth. you cant have a healthy relationship if you arent honest. at the same time, i was only trying to prevent a stupid argument over nothing. he lied about the nature of his relationship with people whereas i only lied about communicating. i truly was just friends with ASU, California, and the Guitar Player. he pretty much forbid me from having communications with them, but i was the only person California trusted. im his only best friend, to this day, even though his girlfriend wont let him talk to me. he will call me, and we will talk. ASU will ALWAYS be my friend. been my friend since we were 12, and hes always been there and i know he will always be. Guitar Player... well... we used to be a thing, but... another story for a nother day perhaps...

he would tell me this girl or that girl was just a friend.. he did cheat. other times i caught him talking to girls in ways he shouldnt have been. naked pics on his phone. him sending inappropriate pics. yes, hes an asshole. yes, he did wrong. with the exception of Mrs Legos, i dont really want anyone to hate him, i dont want her to, but she is not one i can control nor will i ever win the argument. its like shit talking about your parent, i can talk shit about my mom but dont you dare or ill break ur fucking face.

right now, i do love him, i dont think i am completely in love with him anymore, but thats due to the events that in the last 2 weeks. finding more conversations that are of inappropriate nature. we break up, he tells me he doesnt want me and has no love for me. not ne more. i still tried working it out, fool that i was. then, she calls me and tells me he told her that he said he was in love with her. it was freeing. i no longer really wanted that. now there is this baby.. his mom says that things dont add up, but i also know that he may not tell her the truth because he wouldnt want to be reemed for cheating on me and now having it sit as proof.

this baby girl, yea, shes a girl, is weighing on my mind and my heart. we had tried for a baby and didnt accomplish it, and it makes me feel broken. to realize he managed to do it with someone else... ouch.

i feel like i have so much to say here and yet, i cant seem to get it all out. i feel like my groove is gone...i was in a writing groove when i started this but now... i dunno. i feel like i need to vent, and yet i dont know how. not on this one. i dont wanna sit and cry. not at all. weird. i just... i wanna get the energy i feel out. i want it OUT. i want release. freedom.

i will get it. hopefully soon... i have the desire to make things work with the Traveling Soldier, and its not fair to have something like this hanging out..

Until later...


Song of the Moment: "Annamolly"-Incubus

1 comment:

  1. I love that your trying. No, I definitely am not one to be controlled, but I do try very hard to keep my feelings about said "asshole" to myself with how things are now... i love you hunnie.. keep ur head up :) (sorry im so behind on reading.. having no internet for that long suchs butt..)