Thursday, June 7, 2012

A Long Road

It has been a very long couple of months. So much has happened, both good things, bad things, surprising things. My heart has been through a lot, my soul a lot, and today, i can't seem to think straight.

Where should i begin? I feel like i should possibly do this in a series of posts, or at least more then one. I guess i should start with what was or did go on back in December... I should re-read all my old posts but i just dont have time before i have to be at work tonight. I remember beginning a post that had to do with me being bipolar... or maybe being bipolar. I also remember the Ex reading over my shoulder(when he was still the Fiance) and getting angry because he had made me promise not to write about us online. Well, part of having a blog like mine is discussing my LIFE. I dont do special give aways, i dont have special however many days and a different photo theme. i dont do photo swaps or tea swaps like some of the other ladies i read online. Right now i have a baby blog. its the beginnings. its learning how to do this, learning how to become more computer compatible and learning things about myself. so, i broke my promise, much to his anger. as of right now, i cant remember if i posted that one or not. Oh well.

So... back to the bipolar incident... In December, i had a very tough time. i was having a hard time before then, but it seemed to get worse. i tried to ignore the thoughts in my head, i tried to find myself help. i even had a hospital number set up for getting myself help. therapy. councling. They. Never. Called. Me. Back. I called multiple times, i had been told i needed the admission person to set me up an appointment, no one else could. at this point, i dont remember her name. Either way she dropped the ball and never called me. My poor best friend had to pick me up from the bar one night, i was drunk. PUKING MY GUTS OUT drunk... Happens so very little. I rarely drink. i managed to drink too fast this night, and i vaguely remember telling her how badly i wanted to die. to stop caring abnout me and just let me go. if there is anything i know about drunk people, with my working in a bar, dating an abusive alcoholic, and just from life, when someone is drunk and says they want to die, they might just mean it. my heart had had enough. the Ex and i were together then, we had split for a brief time, got back together, but things were so hard. we fought all the time, he seemed to blow me off a lot, claiming to be trying to find work and help us. didnt work. didnt help.

I remember New Years Eve was a Saturday night... i also know that on Friday, the morning before, i decided to take a whole bottle of pills. i decided i was done. i have been asked if i wrote notes and letters. my response was no. i felt that i had at some point in the last month told everyone how i felt, told them where i was, and i hadnt gotten responses that felt like caring. i was lost inside my dark and twisted head. after yet another screaming match with the Ex, i grabbed the bottle and consumed the contents in 2 swigs. it was virtually right in front of him. he had turned his back, i had walked down the hallway. i think i dropped the bottle and thats when he saw. he hadnt noticed before then. things are a blur. i dont remember details, i dont remember most of my emotions. just... despair.

He tried to jam his fingers down my throat and i said it was his fault.i clenched my teeth as tight as i could and wouldnt allow his fingers in. he left. he said he would see me on the other side very soon, he was going to find something to do so he could meet me. hes allergic to morphine, so he said he would find heroine and shoot up til he died. he was planned. his mother lost her first son and had him to ease her heart. to think of her heartache over the loss of a second child was not something i could feel responsible for, even in death. i tried sticking my fingers down my throat. i have thrown up so often and for so many reasons i thought it would be easy. not so much. my stomach was not going to give up the pills. i ran out the door after him and asked him to help me.

i sat in the hospital by myself. i called my mom before i fell asleep, but she wasnt there until some time in the afternoon. this happened at 8am. my father was informed, he also didnt come. the Ex never showed. hes claimed his mom was calming him down and when they could finally go, i was gone. my mom took me home that night. they didnt keep me for observation, just sent me on my way and made an appointment for a psych evaluation... really? am i the ONLY person who sees something wrong here? If someone has hurt themselves, YOU WATCH THEM TIL YOU EVALUATE THEM.

I barely remember the weekend. at all. i slept. i felt so sick, of course, i'd poisoned my body. i was out of work for a few days, and i honestly felt like id never wanna go to work again. it felt terrible. everything made me sick.

I went on Tuesday to my appointment. Which was with a counceler, not a psychiatrist. They hadnt scheduled me for a psych eval. nope. they lied. i could have walked away and never saw them, and if something had happened, id say that they had dropped the ball again. i dont like to place blame, but this is a profession you chose to go into. you dont get to decide you dont care about these people!! if thats your feeling, find a new fucking job! anyways.

i knew something was wrong. i opted to have the evaluation, came back a week later. i was recommended cognitive therapy to help with my post traumatic stress disorder after my childhood and being raped a few years ago. i was diagnosed officially as being bipolar and put on medication. (which i have been too broke to refill... i am working on that, i like myself better on medicine) I have depression, and i need therapy.

I don't know what more i want to say on this or if i have anything else. i dont think i have many "readers" but i guess if someone has a question, i'd be happy to answer it...  until later...


Song of the Moment: "Little Talks"- Of Monsters and Men

1 comment:

  1. <3 this is good for you. I've read your writing for 23 years, & if there is anything I DO kno... for you, it's seriously healing. <3