I first want to say, this is my safe place. I am sharing my life here, but this is where I get to rant, rave, express my feelings, process my thoughts, allow myself to vent my horrible thoughts and feelings and then realize if I was wrong. I don't usually post my blog posts to my Facebook page but today I am. Again. THIS IS MY SAFE PLACE TO PROCESS. If you choose to at any point look at old posts, remember that. People change, opinions change, epiphanies happen, and I don't always post those. So please, I don't judge you, don't judge me.
Last week Sunday I went to the ER because I had spotting and cramping. I found out I was 5 weeks, I then KNEW when I concieved. Exactly. So today, I'd be 6 weeks and 2 days. The doctor did an ultrasound, blood tests, a urinalysis... Said bleeding and cramps are normal. If it gets worse come back but relax and stay off my feet. Rest. So I did.
I woke up at 6am starting my period today, after cramps all last night. I knew I was losing my baby. I dreamed last week Saturday night, the night before I went to the ER the first time that I lost the baby. All this week things were changing. My protein cravings went down, my moodiness became slightly less, my breasts stopped hurting so badly... Little things hinted along the way and I chose to ignore them.
I know I did nothing wrong. I know there was nothing I could do. Something was wrong with my baby and God chose not to let me keep this one.. He will give me one when its time.. but this baby I prayed so hard for... Was not my miracle baby we thought he would be.. I still think he's a boy. He may not have even had much for a heartbeat but he has a spirit, one I felt. And as his mommy, I know he was a boy..
I cry. I have cried a lot today. I want to sleep but I'm instantly manic. I am so tired and I hurt so badly.
I have an amazing partner. My soldier is the best partner I could ask for. (For new readers, to protect my friends, family, and enemies, I post no names to here, not for those I know that read, but for unknown people who read.) He is such a good rock for me right now. I am blessed to still have him. He is amazing and I love him so... I know we will try again at another time and I know he's meant for me... He's just as devastated as I am, just as he was just as excited as I was.
I have support from more then just him... I have amazing friends and family who love and support me. Thank you all for that.
I apologize for anything in advance if I become angry and guarded again.. I apologize if I say hurtful things because I'm not paying attention before I speak.. I just know the me I am when I am hurt... And I am sorry for how I become...
I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual... I do believe in God and I do believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. For my little family. I know I don't have the baby anymore but my soldier and I are still a little family surrounded by a bigger one...
"Breathe" -Anna Nalick