Friday, September 21, 2012

Dress Rehearsal

My boyfriends sister is getting married. I am here at the dress rehearsal and I don't know all the details of things... I started planning my own wedding when I was engaged. The song I wanted to walk down the aisle to was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. Interestingly enough, that is this bride's choice.

My brain becomes flooded with my own wedding plans and memories. It's interesting how it pulls at me.. my mind and heart feels slightly confused.

I am looking at this wondering if I truly ever will be the one walking down the aisle for more then just part of the bridal party.

My heart is hurting a little because I found out last night my boyfriend was dishonest about something. Not super important but his reason was he wasn't comfortable discussing it. So he lied. It hurt and my heart hurts.
I understand... But it still hurts...

Song: "Through Glass"-Stone Sour


Monday, September 17, 2012

Time of the Season

It's getting close. So close. I can't do anything to stop it and inside I'm screaming over it.

I am stronger now then I was before. I understand the things inside me better but it still isn't gone..

I'm looking at his departure date and my insides rip. I don't know how to take it all. I'm looking at him and inside I am silently weeping. I am going to be living 6 months without him. He's doing this to give his life structure. He's doing it for his future. For a future he says he wants with me... Yet... I notice his distance. Emotionally he's become distant and I don't know how to bring him back.

I keep thinking its me. Did we jump in too fast? Do I make him unhappy? Has my weight gain made him distant? I notice his habits.. different. Where as once when I would come home he would grab me and pull me close now he doesn't. He even pushed me away night before last. He feels so distant.

I can barely get anything from him. He tells me its in my head, or tells me he is still as crazy about me as day one but he used to cuddle with me. Used to. He says he's nervous and scared but so am I. I'm nervous and scared and trying not to lose him and I don't know how to keep from losing him.

I'm scared. I'm scared this wasn't what he thought it would be and he doesn't know how to tell me. When I try to bring it up it usually turns into a fight and I don't want a fight but I can't get him to open up. I try. I try to open the conversation but it doesn't seem to happen.

I know his life is about to change and so is mine but why does that mean I am on the outside when he's supposed to love me?

Emotionally I'm a wreck. Again.