Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Don't Get It

I don't think I will EVER get it. For some reason, I am the bad child.

I turned 16 and got a job. I have held down a job successfully since then. I have never had a drug problem. I've only smoked pot a handful of times and I was 19 the first time. I don't like the feeling of being high so I don't do it. I don't have any children, I was smart enough to get on birth control and use condoms and do what I needed to to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I didn't drink in high school, again, I was 19 before I ever got drunk. I was in a safe environment and I didn't leave. We just had a good time and then went to bed.

My brothers... All of them.. are a different story. The one in particular this post is about shares my father with me. The 3 older ones are from a different father. My little brother has done drugs since he was in junior high. He used to sit in his room and do coke all night. When living at home, he didn't work, didn't contribute to the house, nothing. He dropped out of school. He had a girlfriend move in, she didn't pay rent or contribute either. I paid rent. Paid bills. He went to raves, he partied all the time. That was his life. He decided to go to school, and when finished, didn't have a job. Didn't WANT a job. He had a meth problem. In the middle of a meth binge one day, had unprotected sex cuz he doesn't like condoms. The result is my beautiful baby niece..

He still isn't working. Still isn't doing anything with his life. I have done everything I can to take care of myself... I have held down 2-3 jobs. And today I find out that my brother is a victim. Of? My father thinks he's a victim. The mother of Talon's baby trapped him. Um, sorry. Unless she raped him, Talon could have wrapped it. And he didn't. He CHOSE not to. How is he a victim?

How am I looked at like I can do nothing right but he's a victim? He makes these choices! I made the choice to help 2 people and they screwed me over! I don't get it. I don't understand why he is a victim if he knew the choice he made and was aware of his potential consequences...

He is a golden child and I am the fuck up... End rant...

P.s. don't get me wrong.. I love my little brother and I am not mad at him, its just something I don't understand. It isn't his fault my father sees him how he does... I just wish my dad actually saw reality.


Friday, November 11, 2011


The love between child and parent is that kind of love.

Past that? I don't see it existing. Not for anyone else.

I love all my friends and all my family no matter what they put me through. I love everyone that way.

Why can't people love that way back?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Found it!!

Written 11/09/2011... Published today.

well. isnt that just a wee smack to the face. kinda.

a lot of my family has mental health issues. so i am really used to the dysfunction of it and used to the constant changes. i had a conversation with my very good friend who is bipolar, and she was even saying "do you realize how fast your talking right now?" i went online and took a test for it that states it isnt a positive diagnosis, but you should see a psychiatrist and have them determine if you truly are and if you need help getting balance back. my results come in...

1-10 points means your in a mania.
10-25 points says your in a depression and possible bipolar spectrum disorder.
25-60 points says bipolar spectrum disorder.

i scored a 51. Awesome sauce right?? so no little bit, i have to score almost as high as i can.

do i think its the end of my life? no way. do i realize all that i need to do with this? yes. i nee dto get in to a psychiatrist.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I will not...

Gouge out their eye balls.. take a baseball bat to their knees. Tie them to a table and drip water on their chest. Make them listen to nails on a chalk board. String them up by their toes. String them up by pubic hair.. no.. I really won't do that.. nasty ass disease infested ickiness.. where was I?
I will not strip them down to a tank top and chonies and make them lay in an ice bath.. draw penises on their face in sharpie and send them to work..
Shank them.. shoot them.. stab them.. expose them to ebola.. run them over with my car.. laugh as they contract ghonasyphaherpaAIDS.. drop them on an island full of lepers... plot evil doings of any kind.

I will not be doing any of these things or worse.. cuz I am a good person. I am a kind hearted person. I gave people a safe place to stay, I trusted them, I would have gone to battle for them. They called me friend, family, sister. This is NOT what family does. No, I don't have the best example of what real family is and I know this but there is a reason my mini family has Christmas and Thanksgiving apart from when its normally done. It's the only time we see what real family SHOULD be. Not the drama of overly intoxicated parents or aunt n uncles who have made an issue out of a non issue. Dirty laundry isn't aired or judged, we don't try and have drama, we just want an enjoyable holiday memory. That is family.

All those things I WANT to do to the people involved in the Hostile Takeover but I will not. I will wait for karma to take its vengeance and raise her mighty bitch slapper and I will wait for my good fortune. I will stop expecting something instant. I will simply wait patiently knowing I must be granted good fortune and for doing the good things I did. For enduring all that I have. Everything from my childhood, which made me stronger, to my rape 2 years ago. I believe that something positive must come. A break. A step forward.

Life will stop kicking me in the gut. It will stop pulling my teeth out with pliers and no pain killers. It will maybe at least spit on it first? There is a balance. Laws of science and physics. For every action there is an equal reaction.

For all good, there must be bad and for all bad there must be something good.

I am praying for peace.


I realize I mostly only have like..2 people who read this.. so those who happen to stumble upon my blog, I apologize for my lack of shiny optimism. Some day I will get it back..

Saturday, November 5, 2011

At A Loss...

I couldn't hate them more. I honestly have never wished ill will on people. I home she gets sick. I hope they end up homeless. I hope they all fucking rot in Hell.


Unlock It All Please

Inside I am a knotted mess. My stomach is doing gymnastics and my heart wants to pound and I feel sick.

I am so anxious all the time. I am angry all the time. Sometimes I feel like I displace it and sometimes I know that its going exactly where it should be. I keep waiting to feel better. Sometimes I do...

For 5 fucking minutes...

And then its right back to anxious mess. It's right back to hard to breathe and using all my energy to keep my stomach contents (or lack there of) in my belly.

I was a ridiculously optimistic, bouncy, fun loving girl at one time. Some day I feel that, but its clouded with a hint of pessimism and I feel like I am convincing myself that there is something good in the world when I know deep down its a rotted pile of cold butt... that didn't even make sense to me, but then again.. I don't make sense to me any more.

I know I am not the only girl in the world who has been through what I have. Do I feel like I am? Some days. Realistically I know I am not.

I remember last winter, almost a whole year after it happened, I told Jaimie. I remember she was so frustrated at my flakey behavior and my wanting to block the world out.. in all fairness, she was going through something and need me. I didn't know where to find it in me to be there..

Guilt. A newly discovered feeling as I write this now.

I remember her telling me I needed to come over and talk to her. I remember her trying to help me get through this then.. her making me say it out loud. To feel what hurt so very badly.

I felt violated all over again. Not by her, just felt myself in my room again. A place that had been safe and now felt like I was naked and exposed.

Part of me wanted to hide away forever, to sit in the dark, with no one around. No, all of me wanted to.

I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to feel. I don't know how I have come through this without a dependency on any form of drug or alcohol. I didn't drown myself in booze or start doing drugs to forget my feelings.

I found my addiction to karaoke though... I found my tiny little bar, with nice friendly people, and I found that they didn't judge me. They didn't push me. They seemed to accept me without asking me questions about who I am and what brings me in. I found confidence in my singing in public and found that I could poor my feelings into a song and I could feel better... for a minute...

I still love karaoke but it is feeling empty... I think that's why I started this. I will never be better if I don't process.

Is it just me or are my blogs a jumbled mess? Maybe further insight into the inner workings of of my brain and thoughts and feelings...

I am a jumbled mess...

Perhaps worse then I ever realized.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

I've Been A Bit Quiet...

This blog will be long, and it will cover a few things...

I realize I have been quiet, my recovery has been nice, I'm back to work, my belly doesn't hurt so much, and I am doing better most days.. my mommy now has the Super Mono.. I feel bad I shared with her... sorry mommy!! I have been reading blogs, and watching tv and movies.. I have found that while yes, archiving blogs seems obsessive, but some people have an extensive story to tell.. you can't start today reading them and know what's going on, who people are, their story.. its like beginning a movie 10 min from the end. Doesn't work. There are questions and curiosities. So for the blogs that are extensive and seem to tell a story, I am archiving.. holy crap, what an endeavour. I will get through...

The person I began archiving today has such an incredible story.. but she has given me a little bit of strength. Her story saddened me, made me want to cry for her.. her first blog entry got the point of her story out there. She has wants and desires for her life that her health simply will not allow. It's a heart breaking story... and it poked at me.

I started this blog as therapy. I want my story out there. I want to heal. I want my friends to see what happened and maybe understand why I changed. Why I am not the same. I am terrified to see their reaction. To deal with judgement. To feel like someone is thinking "ok, it happens, get over it." Life happens. Mine happened to me. And when I told a family member what happened I got the get over speech. I am a strong person, but this broke me. This made my bright and shiny world dark and twisty. It made me hate my existence. I do not judge people for their reaction to their experience. I do not believe one person to be better then others, just different. And we ALL react differently to what happens to us. I do not believe my life was harder b cuz of what I dealt with growing up and knowing you had the "normal" life. My mother had mental illness and my father was disconnected and an asshole. I have friends who had parents who loved each other and they got great grades and had an amazing happy life. I didn't experience that but it doesn't make you better or me pathetic. Just different.

Most important to know, I wouldn't change my childhood. One change to any of the things I experienced would change me. And 2 years ago I liked me.

Today I am learning to like me again.
I am learning to be me again.

Almost 3 years ago I entered a relationship with an older man.12 years difference. I remember telling my friends it wasn't a forever thing, I was ok with that. I've always felt no one will ever be in love with me until forever, it just can't happen. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy relationships and people, it just isn't permanent. I will have fun while it lasts and hope when its done we will remain friends. Well, this guy was fun for a while.. then I saw he was an alcoholic. He drank, a lot, and respected me for my choice of not drinking a lot even tho I was freshly 21 and generally, 21 year olds enjoy their new found freedom to enjoy drinking. He was the guy who gets off work n has a couple tall boys. 2 within an hour and a half. He would drink his 3rd while on his way to go get me and then we would go to his house, make dinner, watch movies, go to bed. He would have 2-3 more before bed. He had a past, prison history, I wouldn't condemn him for it cuz I don't judge. I looked it up, yes, I Googled him. Still no judgement. He was clean aside from drinking and that was what mattered. He had a good job, a daughter he had custody of, not his ex wife, his own place.. we began dating in January. Memorial Day weekend was my first experience seeing something I wasn't pleased with. He was drunk the whole weekend. Wake up and crack a beer. No judgement, but so NOT my style. I cannot drink that early. No way. Saturday night, we crawled in bed, began talking. Something he said didn't coincide with a previous statement from the beginning of our relationship. I simply asked for clarification. He knew I had caught him being untruthful and he got angry. He began yelling at me. I wasn't mad, I didn't yell back, I was just asking a question and just wanted a straight answer.

"When was the last time you did coke? You said it was years ago, but the way u were just talking, it sounds more recent. I won't be mad, I'm just curious."

I meant that. He finally answered in February. I simply said "ok". He flipped. I wasn't mad. I didn't freak out, yell, nothing. Just ok. He went off screaming I had baited him and that I was mad n made him look bad. I calmly said I wasn't mad. He raised his fist and pulled it back and just barely stopped it before punching me in the face. I stared him directly in the eye, I remember how blank my face had to have been. I waited. And waited. I knew it would happen. Some how at one point he had admitted old relationships had turned physical but he had claimed he never hit them, they would hit him. In that moment I knew that yes, they hit him, but he hit them back. I later found out that they would get mad n yell and then it turned into all out brawls.

I waited for his fist to collide with my face. I stared blankly waiting. I looked him in the eyes and waited. It didn't happen. He instead yelled for a minute and then rolled over and went to bed. I laid there in silence. I didn't know how to respond. I was scared, but he hadn't hurt me. He had come close but he didn't hit me. I came up with a plan then, if he ever hit me, I would not fight. I knew it would be worse, so I would not fight. I didn't have a car, so if it happened I would wait for him to fall asleep, I would grab my stuff, I would walk out the door and I would call Jaimie. I would tell her I was walking down the street headed to her house and wait for her and Ryan to pick me up and I would NEVER see him again.

I should have just left...but I didn't.

A few weeks later he got in a fight with his daughter and I was there. She said something, he responded, she got lippy, he got pist. She got in his face and it escalated from there. It was physical. I sat silent and frozen. I listened and glanced up. I am ashamed I didn't do anything... I admit that now. I will admit she started the physical, but he should never have put hands on her or thrown her around like he did.

She went to live with his mother after that.

He decided to quit drinking. He stuck to it.
For a while...

He worked on his relationship with his daughter. She was 15 and in a rebellious state. He managed to stay sober for 2 months. I was proud of him and encouraged him.

Then he got in a fight with his daughter again, just an argument, but he decided he needed a drink. I told him I could accept that, but tomorrow, back to sober.

Well... it didn't happen. At first it wasn't a lot, but soon it got worse. It kept getting worse. He didn't get better. We fought a lot and I became very unhappy.

I realize now I was afraid to leave him. I was terrified of this man. How did I become that woman.

One other night, I remember I was certain he was going to beat the holy Hell out of me.. my customer and friend Brian and I had hung out and gotten food and went to a movie. The boyfriend decided we went on a date. Now, if you know Brian, it so was NOT the case. The boyfriend called me and asked what I was doing, the voice in my head screamed "LIE BITCH LIE!! If EVER you SHOULD lie it is NOW!!" but.. I told the truth. He drove home from visiting his dying grandfather to yell at me. To tell me I cheated, that what I did was wrong. I will swear to you that I am certain the only reason he did not beat me to a bloody pulp that night was cuz we were at my house. And I lived at home. And my father was home. And even if my dad is an ass, do not lay a finger on his daughter or he will end your life. That was my only saving grace that night. My father was home. He didn't interfere with our argument, but I know had it turned violent he would have ended it by killing him.

Jaimie's wedding was coming up and I was her maid of honor, I became wrapped up in that. He got jealous, tried telling me Jaimie ran my life.(I have known that girl since I was a toddler, she has earned her place in my life as a piece of my conscience and her rights to tell me her opinion no matter what I or anyone else think). Then.. he did it.

One night, at the end of a very heated conversation, we were laying in bed, and he popped The Question. Only he didn't ask. He kinda told me to marry him.

"Marry me."
No question, no ring, no thought, no what do you think... just do it. I told him no.(this was the 3rd person I have told no...) it hurt him, but I told him I love him it just wasn't time yet. I believe in long engagements and he didn't. So I used that as an excuse. Really, something inside me was telling me he wasn't right. He wasn't meant to be my husband or be married to me. So I said no. He wasn't happy, it hurt him, he rolled over and went to sleep. I told Jaimie the next day as we were on our way to go get her hair done. We were testing out her hair for the wedding.. she told me she was proud of me for recognizing that it wasn't time and not saying yes.. we got into more things, but she pointed out how unhappy I was.

I knew it. I just also knew that however unhappy I was, and regardless of the fact that a breakup was 1) inevitable at that point and 2) the right thing, it was still going to he hard and I would be sad. And being a sad and crying maid of honor at your best friends wedding was NOT what I wanted to be. So, I waited.

3 days before the wedding, his grandfather died. This man meant the world to him. He had a funeral now to attend and wanted me with him, but I was maid of honor. I had planned the wedding for 3 years with Jaimie, and dreamed about it with her for 20. I could not back out. I would not back out. I felt bad, but Jaimie would ALWAYS be there and I knew ... he wouldn't. I am honestly making faces at this paragraph thing and thinking I sound like one VERY heartless bitch. But it was true. He wouldn't.

He told me he understood, he told me it was ok. She's only getting married once, and if I didn't go, what kind of person would I be? She is family. She is blood. I would bear her children need be, no questions, I would take a bullet for her, I would die for her. And she for me. Later, he told me I had abandoned him. I hadn't been there and he had needed me and I should have been with him instead of at her wedding...


He didn't get back in time for the wedding, which Jaimie was very ok with. I laugh as I write that. At this point all she KNEW was that I was unhappy. She knew nothing of his temper, the fights, his old relationship brawls, or what happened with his daughter. She didn't like him, he made me unhappy and he had been a little disrespectful to me in her presence once... so he didn't need to be present on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life.. I say 1 of cuz her children's birth will be up there too..

Any ways... at this point it is November. Things were weird and chaotic. Jaimie went on her honeymoon, her wedding was gorgeous and amazing and wonderful and I was so happy for her and Ryan :) she went on her honeymoon and had a dream I died. This was the second one in a few months, but the dream was of her being chased by someone trying to kill her. She hid, heard them coming and twirled around the corner to stab them dead and found herself stabbing me in the heart and killing me. She woke up and had to tell me. She didn't know what it meant... but I did. I was dying inside. She knew it. My relationship was killing me, or would kill me. As soon as I said it, she knew it was true. So from that point until the end, she asked me every time she talked to me "did u break up with him yet?" As I kept saying no, she would pretty much hang up on me. Now, after his grandfather, I kid you not, he lost another 4 people by mid December... THEY JUST KEPT DYING!! I kept feeling bad.. it wasn't the time yet.. and then another dead. Damn it.

Thanksgiving weekend my dad left my mom. They had split n got back together MANY TIMES throughout my growing up. She seemed to know it was final this time... she cried. For days. Weeks. Months. 23 hours a day, no exaggeration. She cried as she slept. I spent a lot of time just sitting with her as she cried, just holding her hand.

Things got weird with him... he was gone every weekend. I'd see him for like 20 min about 3 times a week. Kinda weird, considering this was his doing. He had to see me daily before, he wanted us to move in together, he wanted to marry me.. but I only saw him a little bit. This was hard on me. I would try to call him, he wouldn't answer. He went out of town every weekend with his buddy. It was only an hour away, but he had no cell service there. I got suspicious.. I got the feeling he was cheating, and one day, told him so. He denied it n told me I was crazy. He loved me, he would never cheat.

We went to a Christmas party at my friends a few weeks later. He hit on my friend. In front of me. While holding my hand. I actually ignored it. And later my friends all told me they hated him after that...

That night we fought, I don't remember what about... I think I mentioned cheating, but didn't mention him hitting on my friend. He got mad, was going to leave but he was too drunk still. He broke up with me. We slept in the same bed. I remember feeling a small amount of relief, but going to sleep.

The next day.. it was like it never happened...?!?!! K.


So.. it wasn't over. Christmas came n went. We continued to fight. At this point I never saw him sober. Ever. Called him out on it. His response:

"Why would I want to be around you sober?"


We made plans for New Years, which happens to be Jaimie's birthday, which means I spend it with her. And that is all there is to it. Always.

"New years plans?"
Whatever Jaimie is doing.
"Ne chance of maybe spending it with me?"
If your gonna be at Jaimie's..

And this is how it is. He was invited to come said yes. He wanted to ring new years in with me.

At 7 I called and asked him where he was, we needed to be leaving to go to her dads. He suddenly, was partying with his buddy.. the same one as each weekend. K. Fine. He promised to call me and text me and we would ring in New Years on the phone together.. I know, kinda lame right? Ne who...
So all night, no text. I remember cracking a Mike's hard lemonade. I remember drinking less then half and throwing it out. I had almost puked. Alcohol disgusted me cuz he was always drunk.

We went outside around midnight so prepare to light fireworks and wish Jaimie a happy birthday. I slipped on the steps and hurt myself badly. I'm clumsy what can I say? I called. No answer. Text. I hurt myself and I'm trying not to cry, please answer. Nope. I called. Nothing. Again. Nothing.

5, 4, 3,...2,...1...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAIMIE!!! and I began calling to say happy new year. No answer. No answer... I blew him up for 4 minutes straight... then received
"Happy New Year"

No I love you, how's your back? Are you ok? Sorry I couldn't kiss you at midnight.. no I got THE most generic text.

And I knew. There was no question. He was with someone. A girl. He blew me off for some bitch, probably the one I'd thought he was seeing. I had my confirmation. I did not hear from him past that. I went crazy. I knew crazy makes for over and I felt like I had been made a fool so I went CRAZY. Asked him who she was. How she was in bed. Told him we were done. Do not call, don't text, we are OVER. He had blown me off and I wasn't gonna do this any more.

I cried for a minute, I was slightly humiliated, but my back hurt. I had landed hard on the stairs and flat so the steps had marked my back. I went home, I went to bed.

He called the next day.

"What is YOUR issue? What is with that voicemail?"

He then said he was coming over, we were gonna spend the day together n talk. Well, he spent 10 min there n left on his own accord. Told me some story.. someone got arrested, he was at the bar had no service(funny, hat bar always had service before and he had enough to send me a generic text) and a bunch of other stuff...

I looked down as he talked. Listened. Everything inside me said he was a liar. And this was my out. Take it.

I told him I didn't believe him. I was sorry, but it just didn't make sense. He was irritated, said he was going to go to so and so's house... he would talk to me in a few days once I had calmed down. I told him it wasn't gonna be fixed. We were done. I walked him out, he kissed me, said we would talk in a few days and left.

I was free. In my mind that is..

4 days later... he came over to talk. He again swore he wasn't with someone. Swore his story was true. I told him I just didn't believe it... he knew I wasn't budging, but just by chance...

"We aren't getting back together are we?"

"No. We aren't." I kept my eyes down.

"Well, then I want you to know what your missing.."

I responded saying we had been together for nearly a year, we had been intimate, I knew what I was missing.. I remember saying it firmly...

We were in my room. On my bed. In my house. He was kissing me. Taking my clothes off...

My mother was home. She was in the living room and that wall was shared with my bedroom. If I fought him, yelled, screamed, she would hear. She would run in first to see why I was screaming.. my mother has multiple blown discs in her back, she can barely use the bathroom by herself. If I fought, he WOULD hit me. He would finally hit me. My mother would hear and she would come in and he would fight her off cuz my mom would go nuts. She wouldn't think, she would defend me. She has 5 kids, I am the only girl. If he hurt her... I would never forgive myself.. he would easily be able to knock her down and she may not be able to move for days, or have even more permanent damage.. or worse.. he could try to kill her.. I thought of all of this as he forced himself inside of me...

As he raped me. On my bed. In my house. With my mother 20 feet away.

It was over quickly.

I am thankful the whole thing lasted less than 3 minutes. But he still did this to me. Someone I had loved. Someone I had trusted. Someone who had said he wanted to marry me and loved me. That isn't love. That is so far from it.

I remained silent about this for a year. I then told Jaimie.. she didn't take it well. I had freaked out on my mom one day.. and then I had to tell her... I started seeing my fiance, and explained. Each person became easier, it was easier to detach. It was easier to say it like it wasn't real...

He emailed me, he called me, texted me, and to this day, doesn't think he did what he did. His twisted mind thinks he made love to me... when he left, he had this smug look on his face. My mom remembers that...

I am a shell of the girl I once was.

I want to be me again. I want to stop being so neurotic, stop being scared. Stop having anxiety attacks. Stop thinking I shouldn't exist. Stop wishing I could disappear. Just be gone. Poof.

I want to heal. I want to be better. I want to love me again. I want to trust... I don't trust. Almost anyone... and those I do, I don't know that I trust completely. Pressure to do something or be somewhere makes me panic. I've become a flake. I run from things that feel forced. I feel the need to hide from everything in a way...

This is me trying to be who I was. This is what I started this for. Therapy. To process my feelings and get them out. To hopefully be understood and judged as little as possible.

I am not the only rape victim in the world. I know this. I never have said I was. Everyone deals differently. Some are stronger, some break down more so then me. This is MY story. I do not judge you, please, try not to judge me too harshly.

Questions and comments are welcome. Even harsh criticism... yes, I realize this is full of grammatical errors and spelling errors and Lord knows what else but I just needed it out.

And now it is. I have been writing this since 6am, it is now 8:41am. I am going to bed. Good night.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

I take it back!!

I take back my squinty angry eyes!! Here I am in between work shifts and I have been dizzy half my day, the other half I'm exhausted and a further other half has been filled with my tummy bugging me...

I haven't worked since 4am Monday morning! I've been good!! I AM SO TIRED!! Supermono go away! Bug someone else today! That's 5 days on my butt, watching Glee til my hairs were singing, (I'm totally caught up!) Desperate Housewives til I was ready to snoop through my Windows and figure out whose plotting to kill who, and Grey's Anatomy until I was sure I could properly perform a Whipple that would make Chief Webber proud...I also finished up Vampire Diaries (!?!?! The season 2 under was not fair!) And I'm caught half way up on season 4 of trueblood..:) its been a good season. I can handle more nearly naked Eric oh yes.

See? That's 5 shows. I went through all of season 2 and 3 of glee, half of season 2 of vampire diaries, I'm half finished with Trueblood, and I did half of season 6 of DH and half of season 7 so far and half of GA. I can't watch ne more tv.

I've read also half a book. That's a lot of time on my behind and back cuz I was laying down.

I also resisted the urge to sing to almost every single song on Glee... this is a HELL OF A demand.. I sing. It's what I do.

I still need to finish moving into the Homotel, (dare to ask what it is? I'd be happy to answer ;) and I need a new car!! Fiance starts work in a week and with me out that's no money for warm clothes to wear to his construction job and no fixed car yet.

How am I supposed to rest when I have that shit to worry about??

*le sigh*

Well it can't rain all the time right?


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

*Squinty Angry Eyes*

I have been good. I have been laying down, sleeping, watching tv, and reading. That. Is. All. Since Monday.

Can I go back to work yet? It's nice to have a vacation it would just be nicer if I could DO something... or else be getting paid since I was homeless and all that.. I need my car fixed too and its still not done...

!! Can I do something yet?!


Tuesday, October 18, 2011


So... I go to work Saturday.. slightly sore throat... no biggy... Wake up Sunday, sore n swollen n fever. Well, not my favorite but I will live. I'm sure I'm fine, right? Can't find ne one to cover my shift, of course, so I go...
Monday, fever breaks!! Yay! Now my body aches are gone, my head feels better but still swollen and sore..
Take a shower.. I sneeze.. I START SPITTING BLOOD. Huh. K. Not good. My tonsils started to bleed. Fiance MAKES ME GO TO the emergency room where I am terrified they r going to tell me I have tonsilitis, and tell me they are taking my tonsils and I'll have to teach my throat how to control my voice so I can sing. That's right.

I am in the emergency room with bleeding tonsils and I'm worried I'll have to learn to sing again... did I ever mention that I live to sing???

So, the doctor sees, she says it makes her throat hurt. She does a strep culture n asks if I have ever had mono... no. So she takes blood...

Strep culture: POSITIVE!!!
Mono test: POSITIVE!!!

Yep, I have BOTH. SERIOUSLY?!?!!!

But I have my tonsils... so, Supermono it is. That's what I am calling this. It's both, so its an easy way to say it. No work, no singing, no active, just sleep n lay down...

Oh, and they gave me a penicillin shot in my butt.*forehead smack*

My butt hurts. I am currently living in a house full of my friends who are gay, butt pain isn't my forte...

So being as it is 3:41am, I am going to bed... or attempting it..



Wednesday, October 12, 2011


My past week has been horribly stressful.

I have had to ask people to let me stay on their couch. I am homeless. Growing up I didn't have a lot but I always had a home, parents who loved and cared for me, clothes on my back and food in my belly. This feels horrible. To be homeless, to have to ask my mom to sleep on her couch, my friends, to find rides, to try and sort out my life.

And the thing that sticks the most in my mind? This is what I did for other people. And they performed a Hostile Takeover and here I am. I am trying to make sure that in every house I step into my footprint is small. The amount of space I occupy is small. The stress I put on them is minimal.

I feel terrible having to IMPOSE on these people.. it is not what I want to be doing, regardless of the fact that Jaimie, Ryan, and Brian are my best friends and my mother is my mom. They all understand. But I still feel terrible.

I am so very blessed. These people love me, they care about me, they are amazing people. Others who know them only partially know their amazingness but they are amazing and I am blessed. I wish everyone had people like this in their life, but sadly I have watched people take advantage and burn bridges instead of appreciate those people who help them. I don't just mean my situation, I watched people do it to them as well.

I know I am blessed. I am forever thankful for these people in my life.

Thank you...


P.s. I know the fiance wasn't mentioned in this post, we are currently staying at separate places to help reduce stress where we can and so he can continue job hunting and locating a permanent place to live.. I miss him terribly and love him more...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Legos In My Pocket: Anorexic COSTUMES??

Legos In My Pocket: Anorexic COSTUMES??

I saw this fb post a friend posted... and I am posting a link to my very best friends blog, and I have to say I am UTTERLY DISGUSTED by this.

You read articles in magazines about anorexic girls and their stories. I would see people on Oprah. I saw people on Maury when the show wasn't saying "he is NOT the father!". We talked in health class about the dangers of it in high school.. NOW THERE IS A COSTUME PROMOTING THAT?!


I battle anorexia. I have battled it for nearly 2 years now. I get upset or anxious and I will not eat. When I am stressed, I will not eat. If I do, I get sick to my stomach and throw up, so instead, I choose not to eat. I can go 3 days without eating, eat a little hot pocket, and go another couple days. I am aware of how unhealthy it is, and I know its not the answer. I realize I probably need therapy and I know when this started getting out of control. I was encouraged to blog as a form of therapy. That's why I started this. Well.. one reason.. and this is only one issue that I am dealing with. I don't like being this way. I LOVE THE TASTE OF FOOD. I LOVE THE SMELL! I love food, but when I am really stressed out and upset, I find myself not eating.. how far has it gone? I went from 230lbs all the way down to 155lbs. I am healthier size wise, but I so wanted to get here by a healthy means. I am worried with my stress of my housing situation I will find myself not eating. Find myself hungry and wanting to but just unable to.

Ugh.. I kinda went off topic.. my fiance is aware of my problem, he tries to make me eat regularly, as best he can. My mother and my best friend at Legos in My Pocket also gets on my ass. But really? A costume? That encourages that?



Sunday, October 9, 2011

Feeling... Hopeless

Feeling... hopeless. And I don't like it. I am an optimist. I take the hand I'm dealt and I am almost always sure I will win. Even if I don't, I am resilient and bounce back. Stronger.

Right now? I feel dull. Like I won't bounce back. Like its a waste to hope that he will get the job, my car will get fixed, I'll ever get to go to school... That we can make it to the aisle... not even due to our fights, but because we don't catch breaks. So I will never have enough money saved for a dress, and I want my dress... even if I just stand on a beach with him and we say our vows and there's only the most important people there... I feel like we can't catch a break enough to make it to there...

I hate feeling like my bounce is gone. Storm clouds are over head and my sunshine is gone... I was indifferent Thursday and Friday, yesterday I felt angry, and today I feel my emotions swallowing me and telling me it won't be ok. That it should be, but I have done something so wrong and it won't be ok. I don't know what I did. I go to work, I graduated from high school, I have had steady employment since I was 16. I take care of myself asking for help only when I need it and I am always there for my friends when they need me.

I AM A GOOD PERSON. A gentle kind person. I smile at people. You know that saying about strangers and smiles and you never know how positively it can effect them? That's my hope. I make their day just by being a stranger who smiled.

I don't know or see what I did wrong here... and for that, I feel hopeless.



I spent last night cleaning at work like a Merry Maid on crack. 10pm-1am flew by so fast... and then I realized I still had all my regular cleaning and stocking to do.. I spent the time reflecting on my life. The recent events, how I believe in karma and I am truly wondering what I did to deserve such unfavorable karma... my car.. my house.. my former roommate Ryan, my roommates that moved in knowing all about that situation.. really? What did I do? I am a NICE person. I gave these people places to stay cuz they needed help. I've always been able to find help when I needed it, here was me giving these people help... and they took advantage and SHIT all over me.. no other way to say that.. on a positive note.. Fiance and I feel if we can make it through all this we can make it through ne thing. I think this is our big test. Homeless is a TOUGH thing.. and now I'm doing it without a car. I hope we make it.. this is what I spent last night reflecting on... and wanting to blog this too.. it would have been longer and more chaotic, but I was at work. Stupid work.. lol cut into my blog time..


Saturday, October 8, 2011

Spoken Too Soon...

So thankfully... the fiance and I were able to work out our issues... All I wanted was snuggling, kisses, and "I love you" whispered a million times a night like we do when we aren't fighting. Last night I got that. He ran into my arms at midnight while I was at work and it completely made my night.

But my post the other night was called "There's No Place Like Home"... do I have a home anymore? Nope. I was just uprooted from my home. Yesterday while I was gone, one of our roommates started to pick a fight with my extremely irritated fiance. He was angry cuz we were still fighting. Now, I should mention, we have 5 people in our house. Over half are siblings. Yes, my fiance, his older brother, older sister, her boyfriend and long time friend to both boys and myself. They usually all get along great, but add in booze to the boyfriend and he's an irresponsible asshole. He got in my fiances face and fiance told him to back down. HE THEN HIT MY FIANCE IN THE HEAD WITH A CRYSTAL ASHTRAY. My fiance has a very hot temper.. and he walked away. I was so proud. He left. Upon returning drunk boy went at it again. This time sister was drunk too, and her boyfriend made for swinging. Brother left, fiance left again, I called the cops from work but brother wouldn't kick them out. His sister has no where else to go. We will not live there and are now trying to find a new home.. did I mention my car died a few weeks ago? So I'm begging for rides from friends to help with getting out all our things.

Brother has made it clear he wants them there. They cook every night and clean, which he doesn't so much.. so he will be fed and his house will be spotless and he won't have to lift a finger. He rarely did and we have lived there since June...

As upset as I should b with this, I'm not. I am upset, but I was more devastated at the idea of losing my love. Getting to sleep in his arms was so relaxing... felt AMAZING. Having him through this makes it better. Sadly, it is what calmed our storm, but sometimes chaos brings people together... now let's hope he keeps his head out of his butt so we can stay good!

Is it just me? Or does chaos and drama really seem to follow me? No.. it does.. so what am i doing tonight? I'm hanging out and watching Wilfred, which is AWESOME!! my friend is passed out on the couch n keeps giggling in his sleep... as I blog from my phone...


Thursday, October 6, 2011

No Place Like Home

Sometimes life is amazing, and sometimes it spins you in circles and creates the most dizzying effect on your brain. This week has been this way. My relationship with my fiance isn't always the best, but I love him and when I have super crazy psycho moments he looks at me and tells me he loves me and snap out of it. This week we have been fighting, I haven't been home in days. I'm standing my ground and telling him I want the respect I deserve, that sometimes the things he pulls is really bullshit, and that I deserve for him to try as hard with us as I do. And the last 3 days has been full of fighting, screaming, yelling cuz I told him he's selfish... is part of this my fault? Of course. I enabled him for so long. Now to attempt correction seems out of the picture. I feel his priorities aren't where they should be and I'm telling him why. And what I'm receiving is agonizing heart ache.
He doesn't read my blog so he won't be reading this, but he is the man I love and all I want is to go home.
There is no place like home.

A happier time.... him and i..

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Adventures in Stumbling

Summerbreezeeey sent you this page:

Sharing for 2 reasons...
1) obsessed with Stumble
2) this guy was hilarious and that sounds delicious!!

Until next time :)


Oh Holy Excitement Batman!!!


This makes me excited... granted, I must keep it simple... BUT! I CAN BLOG FROM MY PHONE!! my prayers were answered!! If only Jaimie from Legos in my Pocket had seen that post earlier, I'd have started doing this sooner!! But ALAS!! I CAN BLOG FROM MY PHONE!!!! so...

Insert Jaimie nagging me for MONTHS to blog... I get Facebook wall posts..."WHEN ARE YOU GONNA BLOG FOR ME WOMAN?!" and she writes on my car window reminding me to blog, and tweets me all day.. calls me every hour on the hour, "DID YOU BLOG YET?!".... so I blogged a bit last week... AND SHE DIDN'T SEE IT!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! so... now.. I have no excuse and won't make them :)

Yes, I am COMPLETELY aware that this doesn't mean ne thing to ne one... no one cares. I have 2 followers!! So no one cares... cept Jaimie... so.. HERE'S MY FIRST PHONE BLOG!!

My phone auto corrects my blog.. REALLY?! I think I need to proof my blog before posting... I earlier told someone something, the conversation was regarding arguments, my ex, and some thing mattering.. it auto corrected to battering... so I think I'm gonna proof before I post!

Sincerely a Happy Bitch,

Friday, September 23, 2011

Rawr! just wanted to share this...

if you havent already gone to

you need to... holy cuteness in a handbasket...

done by the same peoiple who have brought you Dear Blank, Please Blank, so you know its gotta be good...

not much else to share... oh! i might be learnin gto bartend!! YEA BUDDY!

im in a lovey song of the day?

"No One"- Alicia Keys



quick post...

this stupid blogger thing is starting to irritate me... i keep going to do stuff and then it takes me back to the beginning step... all over again. Assholes.

so if ever i leave multiple comments or a blog posts 100 times... this is why...

Today I Make Faces At the World

Today, I makes faces at the world... and i stick my tongue out and give it a royal Fuck You.

Last month, i allowed someone to move into my house. they did as most awesomely good roommates do, they paid their rent and bills first month.

You might be able to guess where this is going...

This month. "My rent is gonna be late, but i will have it to you by the 14th!" sweet. no biggy. used to live with my fiances sister, and he always paid his rent n bills then. no worries.

14th... "my mom has my money, and shes out of town and i dont know when shes coming back..." k. we have OUR bills to pay that we put off to pay your rent... so whats he do? packs his shit. didnt pay rent. and left.

did i mention the day before my beloved piece of shit car Daisy died??? we dont know whats wrong with her. but shes probably dead for good. thats what my dad thinks. her body work is trashed, and a motor isnt worth it with everything else that needs work.

so my car goes and commits suicide as im driving down the road (yea, i was driving and then it was "wheres my engine power?!?!") and my roommate bails, leaving me flat broke with no way to pay for ne thing. Awesome.

i swallow my pride and ask my father for help... today, he decides to spend the time talking and berating me and basically telling me what a piece of shit person i am. Awesome. Again. decides to again tell me how my dream of being a cosmetologist is stupid, and i should aspire for a career as a doctor or a lawyer.

i have heard this my whole life. I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. BE. A. DOCTOR.

i dont wish to deal with people with colds all the time. i am squeemish about blood. i cannot deal with needles.. you know when you sometimes dont put earings in and then you find it hard to put one in? THAT GROSSES ME THE FUCK OUT.

i do not wish to have patients dying of cancer, or some incureable disease, my luck is i wont be as awesome as Dr. House. and my not being able to rid peoples bodies of cancers and tumors and stuff will make me sad. i dont want to go home and cry all the time cuz my patient died! DO I SOUND LIKE A PERSON WHO SHOULD BE A DOCTOR?!?!?!

but my wants, desires, feelings... they dont matter.

so today, my favorite quote was "i love you, but right now i dont like you"... yep, fit that moment.

haha, my ipod just shuffled to "Mmmbop"- Hanson.

im blogging in between singers at work. so that was kind of awesome.
Dont hate, you know you just did a little dance in ur little seat and start singing to the little boys who looked so very much like little girls.

and officially, that ruined my rant, cuz u cant be mad when your shuffling in ur seat (yes, i said shuffling) to these guys.

so now, song of the day?

"Hot Mess"-Cobra Starship

Until next time...


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

WHOA!! 2 in 2 DAYS?!

Let's see... update on my life? No longer living in the hell hole known as Bonney Lake... now i live in this quiet little hole (not a hell hole, but still a hole) sitting very close to Mt. Rainier and totally in the lahar flood zone :) so if the mountain goes? i got 15 minutes to be out or be obliterated.

I quit one job, part of me regrets it, part of me not so much. Finacially i kick myself, but i get rest now. YAY!

I did get the job as a barista, so now i am back to that lovely job :) graveyard tho... yea, my stand is open 24 hours. so i get to work from 10pm-4am.

Closer to discussing my "issues" not that it'll matter cuz i dont think many of the people i know read this... just Jaimie at Legos In My Pocket... altho i am hoping to make my mobile blogger work so i can participate more so in things like A Grimm Tales Photo Swaps and maybe some of the other fun things i see people do... but sadly, mobile blogger is pissing me off, and the damn site says the sites cant be found as soon as i enter my claim code. FML! so my lack of computer keeps me from updating regularly... as soon as i rememdy this problem there will be more updates!! i SWEAR!!

Until then... LOVE!!!

P.S. i am enjoying reading some of the blogs other people read... so if you have suggestions, leave 3 or 4 in a comment box :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I really need to update this thing more....

but first? i am going to say... if you don't follow hyperbole and a half... you should!! my very good friend Brian just showed her to me...

by the way... i got that job :)

Jaimie, are you happy?!?! i updated!! and gave you something to check out if you didn't already read it!!

Love you all... i swear i will update more!!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Smells Delicious!

I'm joining Jaimie on this photo swap!!

(My FIRST!!)

(Click the button below to see the entire swap!)

This week's theme:  Smells Delicious!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Wish me luck :)

I'd really like to have this job! Barista work? i have missed you!!

Whatever it takes to get my fiance and i on our feet and married...

just the essentials for now...

So.... the essential. I am starting this after much encouragement from my other sock over at Legos In My Pocket... she's been trying to get me to start a blog for a while and i used to do it when i used myspace... but... i dont ne more...

i am a 24 year old highly confused female... i am engaged to an amazing man who manages to make me smile even as he frustrates me to DEATH.... something to be known... i never thought i would ever end up married... Ever... no man could love me forever, and now 1 has decided he wants to... of the 4 guys who have proposed, haha, yes, i mean that, he's the only one i said yes to. hes amazing. makes me laugh... cant sing to save his life... snuggles me... cuddles me... picks on me... but mostly he loves me... this highly neurotic, unpredictable, completely unstable, mess that i am... he loves it.

hmm... im a karaoke host... and i am a shift manager at my other job... and i have a job interview for a 3rd job in the mornin... karaoke.. my LIFE... i LOVE LOVE LOVE to sing. my soul sings even when i am completely silent. the world is music. Music IS Life.. my two very favorite artists, Pink and Lady Gaga... yep. i love the Gaga. whether you like her or not, she is someone EVERYONE knows who she is. shes crazy, shes insane, hmm... kinda like me? and Pink? also.. fits no mold... cant be described or thrown into the mix with anyone else... her songs come from this spot i swear she reached inside my own soul and took them. shes amazing. both of them are. and they make me happy :)

my other sock is my best friend and soul mate.. ive known her since i was 2 and shes the only other person who loves me for me... even the completely insane me that i am. she puts up with my mood swings (and i with hers, altho she usually yells at me for mine whereas i just smile and pat her leg and wait for hers to pass)... shes probably the only other person in my life besides my fiance who will love me regardless of how emotionally troubled i am.

at some point.. ill explain why i am so emotionally troubled but tonight is not the night. who knows whos gonna read me... i dont even know how often i will be able to update this thing... should i tell you my name?? hmm... should i pick an alias??

well... enough for now. here is some essential me, and until next time...

OH! i have something i wanna leave y'all with... song of the day: Born This Way- Lady Gaga. you dont have to listen to it... maybe just go look up the lyrics. but essentially, thats why i love all my favorites. their lyrics speak volumes. this is me. this is how i think.

"My Mama told me when i was young, we are all born super stars"

Until next time...