Feeling... hopeless. And I don't like it. I am an optimist. I take the hand I'm dealt and I am almost always sure I will win. Even if I don't, I am resilient and bounce back. Stronger.
Right now? I feel dull. Like I won't bounce back. Like its a waste to hope that he will get the job, my car will get fixed, I'll ever get to go to school... That we can make it to the aisle... not even due to our fights, but because we don't catch breaks. So I will never have enough money saved for a dress, and I want my dress... even if I just stand on a beach with him and we say our vows and there's only the most important people there... I feel like we can't catch a break enough to make it to there...
I hate feeling like my bounce is gone. Storm clouds are over head and my sunshine is gone... I was indifferent Thursday and Friday, yesterday I felt angry, and today I feel my emotions swallowing me and telling me it won't be ok. That it should be, but I have done something so wrong and it won't be ok. I don't know what I did. I go to work, I graduated from high school, I have had steady employment since I was 16. I take care of myself asking for help only when I need it and I am always there for my friends when they need me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON. A gentle kind person. I smile at people. You know that saying about strangers and smiles and you never know how positively it can effect them? That's my hope. I make their day just by being a stranger who smiled.
I don't know or see what I did wrong here... and for that, I feel hopeless.