Inside I am a knotted mess. My stomach is doing gymnastics and my heart wants to pound and I feel sick.
I am so anxious all the time. I am angry all the time. Sometimes I feel like I displace it and sometimes I know that its going exactly where it should be. I keep waiting to feel better. Sometimes I do...
For 5 fucking minutes...
And then its right back to anxious mess. It's right back to hard to breathe and using all my energy to keep my stomach contents (or lack there of) in my belly.
I was a ridiculously optimistic, bouncy, fun loving girl at one time. Some day I feel that, but its clouded with a hint of pessimism and I feel like I am convincing myself that there is something good in the world when I know deep down its a rotted pile of cold butt... that didn't even make sense to me, but then again.. I don't make sense to me any more.
I know I am not the only girl in the world who has been through what I have. Do I feel like I am? Some days. Realistically I know I am not.
I remember last winter, almost a whole year after it happened, I told Jaimie. I remember she was so frustrated at my flakey behavior and my wanting to block the world out.. in all fairness, she was going through something and need me. I didn't know where to find it in me to be there..
Guilt. A newly discovered feeling as I write this now.
I remember her telling me I needed to come over and talk to her. I remember her trying to help me get through this then.. her making me say it out loud. To feel what hurt so very badly.
I felt violated all over again. Not by her, just felt myself in my room again. A place that had been safe and now felt like I was naked and exposed.
Part of me wanted to hide away forever, to sit in the dark, with no one around. No, all of me wanted to.
I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to feel. I don't know how I have come through this without a dependency on any form of drug or alcohol. I didn't drown myself in booze or start doing drugs to forget my feelings.
I found my addiction to karaoke though... I found my tiny little bar, with nice friendly people, and I found that they didn't judge me. They didn't push me. They seemed to accept me without asking me questions about who I am and what brings me in. I found confidence in my singing in public and found that I could poor my feelings into a song and I could feel better... for a minute...
I still love karaoke but it is feeling empty... I think that's why I started this. I will never be better if I don't process.
Is it just me or are my blogs a jumbled mess? Maybe further insight into the inner workings of of my brain and thoughts and feelings...
I am a jumbled mess...
Perhaps worse then I ever realized.