This blog will be long, and it will cover a few things...
I realize I have been quiet, my recovery has been nice, I'm back to work, my belly doesn't hurt so much, and I am doing better most days.. my mommy now has the Super Mono.. I feel bad I shared with her... sorry mommy!! I have been reading blogs, and watching tv and movies.. I have found that while yes, archiving blogs seems obsessive, but some people have an extensive story to tell.. you can't start today reading them and know what's going on, who people are, their story.. its like beginning a movie 10 min from the end. Doesn't work. There are questions and curiosities. So for the blogs that are extensive and seem to tell a story, I am archiving.. holy crap, what an endeavour. I will get through...
The person I began archiving today has such an incredible story.. but she has given me a little bit of strength. Her story saddened me, made me want to cry for her.. her first blog entry got the point of her story out there. She has wants and desires for her life that her health simply will not allow. It's a heart breaking story... and it poked at me.
I started this blog as therapy. I want my story out there. I want to heal. I want my friends to see what happened and maybe understand why I changed. Why I am not the same. I am terrified to see their reaction. To deal with judgement. To feel like someone is thinking "ok, it happens, get over it." Life happens. Mine happened to me. And when I told a family member what happened I got the get over speech. I am a strong person, but this broke me. This made my bright and shiny world dark and twisty. It made me hate my existence. I do not judge people for their reaction to their experience. I do not believe one person to be better then others, just different. And we ALL react differently to what happens to us. I do not believe my life was harder b cuz of what I dealt with growing up and knowing you had the "normal" life. My mother had mental illness and my father was disconnected and an asshole. I have friends who had parents who loved each other and they got great grades and had an amazing happy life. I didn't experience that but it doesn't make you better or me pathetic. Just different.
Most important to know, I wouldn't change my childhood. One change to any of the things I experienced would change me. And 2 years ago I liked me.
Today I am learning to like me again.
I am learning to be me again.
Almost 3 years ago I entered a relationship with an older man.12 years difference. I remember telling my friends it wasn't a forever thing, I was ok with that. I've always felt no one will ever be in love with me until forever, it just can't happen. Doesn't mean I can't enjoy relationships and people, it just isn't permanent. I will have fun while it lasts and hope when its done we will remain friends. Well, this guy was fun for a while.. then I saw he was an alcoholic. He drank, a lot, and respected me for my choice of not drinking a lot even tho I was freshly 21 and generally, 21 year olds enjoy their new found freedom to enjoy drinking. He was the guy who gets off work n has a couple tall boys. 2 within an hour and a half. He would drink his 3rd while on his way to go get me and then we would go to his house, make dinner, watch movies, go to bed. He would have 2-3 more before bed. He had a past, prison history, I wouldn't condemn him for it cuz I don't judge. I looked it up, yes, I Googled him. Still no judgement. He was clean aside from drinking and that was what mattered. He had a good job, a daughter he had custody of, not his ex wife, his own place.. we began dating in January. Memorial Day weekend was my first experience seeing something I wasn't pleased with. He was drunk the whole weekend. Wake up and crack a beer. No judgement, but so NOT my style. I cannot drink that early. No way. Saturday night, we crawled in bed, began talking. Something he said didn't coincide with a previous statement from the beginning of our relationship. I simply asked for clarification. He knew I had caught him being untruthful and he got angry. He began yelling at me. I wasn't mad, I didn't yell back, I was just asking a question and just wanted a straight answer.
"When was the last time you did coke? You said it was years ago, but the way u were just talking, it sounds more recent. I won't be mad, I'm just curious."
I meant that. He finally answered in February. I simply said "ok". He flipped. I wasn't mad. I didn't freak out, yell, nothing. Just ok. He went off screaming I had baited him and that I was mad n made him look bad. I calmly said I wasn't mad. He raised his fist and pulled it back and just barely stopped it before punching me in the face. I stared him directly in the eye, I remember how blank my face had to have been. I waited. And waited. I knew it would happen. Some how at one point he had admitted old relationships had turned physical but he had claimed he never hit them, they would hit him. In that moment I knew that yes, they hit him, but he hit them back. I later found out that they would get mad n yell and then it turned into all out brawls.
I waited for his fist to collide with my face. I stared blankly waiting. I looked him in the eyes and waited. It didn't happen. He instead yelled for a minute and then rolled over and went to bed. I laid there in silence. I didn't know how to respond. I was scared, but he hadn't hurt me. He had come close but he didn't hit me. I came up with a plan then, if he ever hit me, I would not fight. I knew it would be worse, so I would not fight. I didn't have a car, so if it happened I would wait for him to fall asleep, I would grab my stuff, I would walk out the door and I would call Jaimie. I would tell her I was walking down the street headed to her house and wait for her and Ryan to pick me up and I would NEVER see him again.
I should have just left...but I didn't.
A few weeks later he got in a fight with his daughter and I was there. She said something, he responded, she got lippy, he got pist. She got in his face and it escalated from there. It was physical. I sat silent and frozen. I listened and glanced up. I am ashamed I didn't do anything... I admit that now. I will admit she started the physical, but he should never have put hands on her or thrown her around like he did.
She went to live with his mother after that.
He decided to quit drinking. He stuck to it.
For a while...
He worked on his relationship with his daughter. She was 15 and in a rebellious state. He managed to stay sober for 2 months. I was proud of him and encouraged him.
Then he got in a fight with his daughter again, just an argument, but he decided he needed a drink. I told him I could accept that, but tomorrow, back to sober.
Well... it didn't happen. At first it wasn't a lot, but soon it got worse. It kept getting worse. He didn't get better. We fought a lot and I became very unhappy.
I realize now I was afraid to leave him. I was terrified of this man. How did I become that woman.
One other night, I remember I was certain he was going to beat the holy Hell out of me.. my customer and friend Brian and I had hung out and gotten food and went to a movie. The boyfriend decided we went on a date. Now, if you know Brian, it so was NOT the case. The boyfriend called me and asked what I was doing, the voice in my head screamed "LIE BITCH LIE!! If EVER you SHOULD lie it is NOW!!" but.. I told the truth. He drove home from visiting his dying grandfather to yell at me. To tell me I cheated, that what I did was wrong. I will swear to you that I am certain the only reason he did not beat me to a bloody pulp that night was cuz we were at my house. And I lived at home. And my father was home. And even if my dad is an ass, do not lay a finger on his daughter or he will end your life. That was my only saving grace that night. My father was home. He didn't interfere with our argument, but I know had it turned violent he would have ended it by killing him.
Jaimie's wedding was coming up and I was her maid of honor, I became wrapped up in that. He got jealous, tried telling me Jaimie ran my life.(I have known that girl since I was a toddler, she has earned her place in my life as a piece of my conscience and her rights to tell me her opinion no matter what I or anyone else think). Then.. he did it.
One night, at the end of a very heated conversation, we were laying in bed, and he popped The Question. Only he didn't ask. He kinda told me to marry him.
No question, no ring, no thought, no what do you think... just do it. I told him no.(this was the 3rd person I have told no...) it hurt him, but I told him I love him it just wasn't time yet. I believe in long engagements and he didn't. So I used that as an excuse. Really, something inside me was telling me he wasn't right. He wasn't meant to be my husband or be married to me. So I said no. He wasn't happy, it hurt him, he rolled over and went to sleep. I told Jaimie the next day as we were on our way to go get her hair done. We were testing out her hair for the wedding.. she told me she was proud of me for recognizing that it wasn't time and not saying yes.. we got into more things, but she pointed out how unhappy I was.
I knew it. I just also knew that however unhappy I was, and regardless of the fact that a breakup was 1) inevitable at that point and 2) the right thing, it was still going to he hard and I would be sad. And being a sad and crying maid of honor at your best friends wedding was NOT what I wanted to be. So, I waited.
3 days before the wedding, his grandfather died. This man meant the world to him. He had a funeral now to attend and wanted me with him, but I was maid of honor. I had planned the wedding for 3 years with Jaimie, and dreamed about it with her for 20. I could not back out. I would not back out. I felt bad, but Jaimie would ALWAYS be there and I knew ... he wouldn't. I am honestly making faces at this paragraph thing and thinking I sound like one VERY heartless bitch. But it was true. He wouldn't.
He told me he understood, he told me it was ok. She's only getting married once, and if I didn't go, what kind of person would I be? She is family. She is blood. I would bear her children need be, no questions, I would take a bullet for her, I would die for her. And she for me. Later, he told me I had abandoned him. I hadn't been there and he had needed me and I should have been with him instead of at her wedding...
He didn't get back in time for the wedding, which Jaimie was very ok with. I laugh as I write that. At this point all she KNEW was that I was unhappy. She knew nothing of his temper, the fights, his old relationship brawls, or what happened with his daughter. She didn't like him, he made me unhappy and he had been a little disrespectful to me in her presence once... so he didn't need to be present on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life.. I say 1 of cuz her children's birth will be up there too..
Any ways... at this point it is November. Things were weird and chaotic. Jaimie went on her honeymoon, her wedding was gorgeous and amazing and wonderful and I was so happy for her and Ryan :) she went on her honeymoon and had a dream I died. This was the second one in a few months, but the dream was of her being chased by someone trying to kill her. She hid, heard them coming and twirled around the corner to stab them dead and found herself stabbing me in the heart and killing me. She woke up and had to tell me. She didn't know what it meant... but I did. I was dying inside. She knew it. My relationship was killing me, or would kill me. As soon as I said it, she knew it was true. So from that point until the end, she asked me every time she talked to me "did u break up with him yet?" As I kept saying no, she would pretty much hang up on me. Now, after his grandfather, I kid you not, he lost another 4 people by mid December... THEY JUST KEPT DYING!! I kept feeling bad.. it wasn't the time yet.. and then another dead. Damn it.
Thanksgiving weekend my dad left my mom. They had split n got back together MANY TIMES throughout my growing up. She seemed to know it was final this time... she cried. For days. Weeks. Months. 23 hours a day, no exaggeration. She cried as she slept. I spent a lot of time just sitting with her as she cried, just holding her hand.
Things got weird with him... he was gone every weekend. I'd see him for like 20 min about 3 times a week. Kinda weird, considering this was his doing. He had to see me daily before, he wanted us to move in together, he wanted to marry me.. but I only saw him a little bit. This was hard on me. I would try to call him, he wouldn't answer. He went out of town every weekend with his buddy. It was only an hour away, but he had no cell service there. I got suspicious.. I got the feeling he was cheating, and one day, told him so. He denied it n told me I was crazy. He loved me, he would never cheat.
We went to a Christmas party at my friends a few weeks later. He hit on my friend. In front of me. While holding my hand. I actually ignored it. And later my friends all told me they hated him after that...
That night we fought, I don't remember what about... I think I mentioned cheating, but didn't mention him hitting on my friend. He got mad, was going to leave but he was too drunk still. He broke up with me. We slept in the same bed. I remember feeling a small amount of relief, but going to sleep.
The next day.. it was like it never happened...?!?!! K.
So.. it wasn't over. Christmas came n went. We continued to fight. At this point I never saw him sober. Ever. Called him out on it. His response:
"Why would I want to be around you sober?"
We made plans for New Years, which happens to be Jaimie's birthday, which means I spend it with her. And that is all there is to it. Always.
"New years plans?"
Whatever Jaimie is doing.
"Ne chance of maybe spending it with me?"
If your gonna be at Jaimie's..
And this is how it is. He was invited to come said yes. He wanted to ring new years in with me.
At 7 I called and asked him where he was, we needed to be leaving to go to her dads. He suddenly, was partying with his buddy.. the same one as each weekend. K. Fine. He promised to call me and text me and we would ring in New Years on the phone together.. I know, kinda lame right? Ne who...
So all night, no text. I remember cracking a Mike's hard lemonade. I remember drinking less then half and throwing it out. I had almost puked. Alcohol disgusted me cuz he was always drunk.
We went outside around midnight so prepare to light fireworks and wish Jaimie a happy birthday. I slipped on the steps and hurt myself badly. I'm clumsy what can I say? I called. No answer. Text. I hurt myself and I'm trying not to cry, please answer. Nope. I called. Nothing. Again. Nothing.
5, 4, 3,...2,...1...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAIMIE!!! and I began calling to say happy new year. No answer. No answer... I blew him up for 4 minutes straight... then received
"Happy New Year"
No I love you, how's your back? Are you ok? Sorry I couldn't kiss you at midnight.. no I got THE most generic text.
And I knew. There was no question. He was with someone. A girl. He blew me off for some bitch, probably the one I'd thought he was seeing. I had my confirmation. I did not hear from him past that. I went crazy. I knew crazy makes for over and I felt like I had been made a fool so I went CRAZY. Asked him who she was. How she was in bed. Told him we were done. Do not call, don't text, we are OVER. He had blown me off and I wasn't gonna do this any more.
I cried for a minute, I was slightly humiliated, but my back hurt. I had landed hard on the stairs and flat so the steps had marked my back. I went home, I went to bed.
He called the next day.
"What is YOUR issue? What is with that voicemail?"
He then said he was coming over, we were gonna spend the day together n talk. Well, he spent 10 min there n left on his own accord. Told me some story.. someone got arrested, he was at the bar had no service(funny, hat bar always had service before and he had enough to send me a generic text) and a bunch of other stuff...
I looked down as he talked. Listened. Everything inside me said he was a liar. And this was my out. Take it.
I told him I didn't believe him. I was sorry, but it just didn't make sense. He was irritated, said he was going to go to so and so's house... he would talk to me in a few days once I had calmed down. I told him it wasn't gonna be fixed. We were done. I walked him out, he kissed me, said we would talk in a few days and left.
I was free. In my mind that is..
4 days later... he came over to talk. He again swore he wasn't with someone. Swore his story was true. I told him I just didn't believe it... he knew I wasn't budging, but just by chance...
"We aren't getting back together are we?"
"No. We aren't." I kept my eyes down.
"Well, then I want you to know what your missing.."
I responded saying we had been together for nearly a year, we had been intimate, I knew what I was missing.. I remember saying it firmly...
We were in my room. On my bed. In my house. He was kissing me. Taking my clothes off...
My mother was home. She was in the living room and that wall was shared with my bedroom. If I fought him, yelled, screamed, she would hear. She would run in first to see why I was screaming.. my mother has multiple blown discs in her back, she can barely use the bathroom by herself. If I fought, he WOULD hit me. He would finally hit me. My mother would hear and she would come in and he would fight her off cuz my mom would go nuts. She wouldn't think, she would defend me. She has 5 kids, I am the only girl. If he hurt her... I would never forgive myself.. he would easily be able to knock her down and she may not be able to move for days, or have even more permanent damage.. or worse.. he could try to kill her.. I thought of all of this as he forced himself inside of me...
As he raped me. On my bed. In my house. With my mother 20 feet away.
It was over quickly.
I am thankful the whole thing lasted less than 3 minutes. But he still did this to me. Someone I had loved. Someone I had trusted. Someone who had said he wanted to marry me and loved me. That isn't love. That is so far from it.
I remained silent about this for a year. I then told Jaimie.. she didn't take it well. I had freaked out on my mom one day.. and then I had to tell her... I started seeing my fiance, and explained. Each person became easier, it was easier to detach. It was easier to say it like it wasn't real...
He emailed me, he called me, texted me, and to this day, doesn't think he did what he did. His twisted mind thinks he made love to me... when he left, he had this smug look on his face. My mom remembers that...
I am a shell of the girl I once was.
I want to be me again. I want to stop being so neurotic, stop being scared. Stop having anxiety attacks. Stop thinking I shouldn't exist. Stop wishing I could disappear. Just be gone. Poof.
I want to heal. I want to be better. I want to love me again. I want to trust... I don't trust. Almost anyone... and those I do, I don't know that I trust completely. Pressure to do something or be somewhere makes me panic. I've become a flake. I run from things that feel forced. I feel the need to hide from everything in a way...
This is me trying to be who I was. This is what I started this for. Therapy. To process my feelings and get them out. To hopefully be understood and judged as little as possible.
I am not the only rape victim in the world. I know this. I never have said I was. Everyone deals differently. Some are stronger, some break down more so then me. This is MY story. I do not judge you, please, try not to judge me too harshly.
Questions and comments are welcome. Even harsh criticism... yes, I realize this is full of grammatical errors and spelling errors and Lord knows what else but I just needed it out.
And now it is. I have been writing this since 6am, it is now 8:41am. I am going to bed. Good night.