Follow Up

So I went to the doctor to follow up after my miscarriage. I didn't wanna be there, but I don't really get that choice.

I needed to do this. I had questions.

The doctor asked me to come back again in 2 weeks to do blood work so they can test and see if something is wrong that made me miscarry. This is my 3rd one. I have no children. So now I just wait...

The Day After....

I am sitting here wondering how to start this post. Yesterday I tried to sleep but couldn't. I got 2 hours of sleep Thursday night. I could feel myself getting the feeling of being manic. I laid in bed next to my soldier while he slept and I cried off and on. I got up and went to work last night and did my best to smile. He came with me, saying he thought he should go to be my support. Once we got there I knew it was because he needed to be with me for his own support. He looked at me with such sadness. Sat 5 feet from me and then sent me a text that said he wanted to drink it all away but he knew when he woke up it would be there. That ripped my heart to shreds all over again. I realized then how sad he was. He has been my rock and I realized that in my grief I needed to be his as well.

I managed sleep but just before I went to bed I realized part of our ordeal wasn't over. My bleeding had dramatically subsided but wasn't done. I had the worst cramping in my life. I believe I passed the rest of the tissue still in my uterus. It hurt my heart again. I feel empty. My heart feels a tiny bit lighter when he has his arms around me, but the empty and hollow feeling is always there. I feel hollow in my belly and literally feel like part of my heart is missing. Like it truly isn't whole.

I was working with a girl last spring who's nephew passed away the day after he was born. We all know that there are babies who pass away from things like SIDS, that women experience miscarriages. I see women who don't appreciate their children, who see motherhood as a burden. They don't realize how blessed they are. It becomes all too real when you are the mother of a loss or are close to someone who loses theirs.. love those little ones.. love your baby. Love your child. Thank God every day for the blessing He has given you.

We will try again. Later. We both want to. Someone told me last night that they experienced a miscarriage, their relationship didn't make it. I see us being closer, I see us being stronger, I see us being unable to make it through this if we didn't have each other. I know the only reason I haven't prayed for death is because I have him. Our hearts will heal.

Just a matter of when...

"Awake My Soul" - Mumford & Sons

*Breezie*

Devastation

I first want to say, this is my safe place. I am sharing my life here, but this is where I get to rant, rave, express my feelings, process my thoughts, allow myself to vent my horrible thoughts and feelings and then realize if I was wrong. I don't usually post my blog posts to my Facebook page but today I am. Again. THIS IS MY SAFE PLACE TO PROCESS. If you choose to at any point look at old posts, remember that. People change, opinions change, epiphanies happen, and I don't always post those. So please, I don't judge you, don't judge me.

Last week Sunday I went to the ER because I had spotting and cramping. I found out I was 5 weeks, I then KNEW when I concieved. Exactly. So today, I'd be 6 weeks and 2 days. The doctor did an ultrasound, blood tests, a urinalysis... Said bleeding and cramps are normal. If it gets worse come back but relax and stay off my feet. Rest. So I did.

I woke up at 6am starting my period today, after cramps all last night. I knew I was losing my baby. I dreamed last week Saturday night, the night before I went to the ER the first time that I lost the baby. All this week things were changing. My protein cravings went down, my moodiness became slightly less, my breasts stopped hurting so badly... Little things hinted along the way and I chose to ignore them.

I know I did nothing wrong. I know there was nothing I could do. Something was wrong with my baby and God chose not to let me keep this one.. He will give me one when its time.. but this baby I prayed so hard for... Was not my miracle baby we thought he would be.. I still think he's a boy. He may not have even had much for a heartbeat but he has a spirit, one I felt. And as his mommy, I know he was a boy..

I cry. I have cried a lot today. I want to sleep but I'm instantly manic. I am so tired and I hurt so badly.

I have an amazing partner. My soldier is the best partner I could ask for. (For new readers, to protect my friends, family, and enemies, I post no names to here, not for those I know that read, but for unknown people who read.) He is such a good rock for me right now. I am blessed to still have him. He is amazing and I love him so... I know we will try again at another time and I know he's meant for me... He's just as devastated as I am, just as he was just as excited as I was.

I have support from more then just him... I have amazing friends and family who love and support me. Thank you all for that.

I apologize for anything in advance if I become angry and guarded again.. I apologize if I say hurtful things because I'm not paying attention before I speak.. I just know the me I am when I am hurt... And I am sorry for how I become...

I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual... I do believe in God and I do believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. For my little family. I know I don't have the baby anymore but my soldier and I are still a little family surrounded by a bigger one...

"Breathe" -Anna Nalick

*Breezie*

2 and 1/2 Weeks

Until I get to find out how far along I am. It has only been a week and a half since I initially found out and it feels like a life time! I want to know my baby is healthy, I want to know that its growing right, and I want to make sure the dream I had last night wasn't a premonition...

I dreamed I am having twins... I don't think I'm ready for that... Not with what I want. I need to change some things, and I know I will need to work twice as hard to get there but I have to change things and do better for myself and my baby. I'm happy and love my life but it is not the life I want when I'm raising my child.

Written a week ago today... Posting anyway

Pregnancy Makes Me... Assertive.

Generally I have this filter. It decides its not my business, therefore, I don't need to say anything.

Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! Right now? That filter is OFF. And I am truly loving it. What I normally won't say I bluntly do. 14 year old with no clothes? Put your clothes back on since your bitching about the 40 yr old men gaping at you.. its that simple. I'm a bit snappy with my Soldier and that I do regret...

But I was snappy in the store today and about 2 minutes later he walked up and wrapped his arms around me from behind and said that even when I'm snappy I'm still amazing and he still loves me and kissed my cheek bunches. Which makes me feel bad for the grumpy... I try with him, I do, but hormones are everywhere.

I do however enjoy my snappy when its in the right places :) its pretty awesome...

Oh, I've lost 8lbs since I was weighed on August 29th, so 1st trimester is eating my body away. No appetite today... Maybe that's why I was cranky??

*Breezie*

Happy!

So, i'm really only doing this because im pretty sure if i dont, facebook will HATE me forever!

I am the epitome of happy, glowy, excited mommy-to-be. i want to shout it from the roof tops that i am pregnant. then, just to be sure, i wanna shout it again. i touch my stomach every chance i get. hey, its mine. i will touch it as often as i want!! i dont even mind when family and friends are touching it already. Rich is the father, and hes so excited!! he told everyone he saw last night that hes going to be a daddy. i dont know too many guys who have literally been this excited. no hesitancy, no questions asking me if im sure i wanna have a baby and do all this. no doubts. hes scared, but hes thrilled we are having a child together. and i cant wait! so far *knocks on wood* my pregnancy has been amazing. dont know when im due yet, wont know til November at my ultrasound. if he leaves before i go to it that will be sad, but i will find a way to make sure he gets to experience the heartbeat with me...he rubs my belly every day and then says "you're having my baby" with the sweetest look in his eye.

this girl couldnt GLOW any brighter!!!

i think i will probably find a way to post to my blog pretty often as im going through pregnancy, since im going to wind up pissing off people on facebook with every thing... thats because ive had issues with my lady bits for years. i was told it would be hard to concieve, if at all. i have had enough oops and accidents that most women would have children from...a year of not using any birth control really... and then i look at girls who are on birth control, run out, go 3 days without, then start again and find out they are pregnant a month later. or havent had sex in months, have sex once, and boom. baby. this is my miracle baby....

Rich pointed out last week i was late. getting ready for work, i was laying in bed and he was getting dressed and he just looked at me and said " you know, you're late..." yep... i was aware. but according to the app id been following, it was Thursday and i was only 2 days late. i have a long cycle. like, 38 days long. yea... that in itself is a 5 week cycle! i didnt think too much of it. i had to hard reset my phone the day i was supposed to start and when i redownloaded my app, i had lost EVERYTHING.. id know what day we concieved baby if it hadnt been for that. i cant tell you now. no idea. i found a new app, even better in my opinion, and it said i wasnt going to start til one week later. so i really stopped thinking about it until Tuesday came. I had NONE of my period symptoms. Spotting, cramping, lil bit bloated, nothing. Wednesday came and i had to go by my house for something anyways before going back to continue my week long visit with Rich's family, so i figured i'd grab the tests i had at home. i decided to take it Thursday morning, since thats the best time. on my 2 hour drive back to his dad's, i thought a lot about everything... and knew at this point, i am late. i did the math and my period wasnt there, it was really late...and i didnt want to find out something was even more wrong with me... so i actually sat in the car and i prayed that i was pregnant. i prayed that i wasnt going to find out something else was horribly wrong, that i was pregnant, for once, and having a baby. that i could have a healthy baby... that Rich would really be excited... he had joked all this time about me being pregnant but you never really know how a guy is going to react until you have him truly in the situation. he jokingly told me to take the test when i got back. so at about 6:15 i did. and the 2 pink lines IMMEDIATELY popped up. i ran from the bathroom and shoved the stick in his face. he didnt know what i was saying, so i looked at his dad and said i was pregnant. his dad smiled and congradulated us and Rich kissed me and hugged me close and then said he was scared and went to smoke... all i can think at this moment is i needed to tell Jaimie, cuz she would understand where i was at. i called her and it took her a min to register what i was saying, but she finally realized i had my miracle baby. not married first like we wanted, but i dont even care now. i just want my baby healthy and i want to enjoy my pregnancy with Rich and watch out baby grow and be born and raise the baby together.. hes has told EVERYONE im pregnant. i did plan to wait... but he had it all over his facebook so i decided not to hide it. he couldnt contain his joy and i couldnt either...

 so i sit here... rubbing my belly, looking behind me to the man who helped me create this baby, i thank God it was me being pregnant, and that the baby was created out of love and i know its going to be a very loved little baby...


and i look back at this and realize these words dont begin to express what inside me at the moment...

"Blessed"-Martina McBride


*Breezie*

Holy Strawberries!

I'm having a baby! I'm pregnant! Years of thinking I'd never have a child... Thinking I'd be Auntie to everyone else and never having a baby... I'm pregnant! Confirmation tests tomorrow. Blood work. All that. Yay.

I'm excited! And so is my Soldier! He's honestly happy and excited and I can't believe I got that lucky! He was rubbing my belly and he's being all sweet... Apparently I was aggressive today, but I didn't realize... Feel kind of bad... But I think I can be just aware and maybe it won't be so bad... Maybe he can just say baby breathe and I'll calm down?!?!

Mom is excited, dad says I'm ruining my life... His mom n dad n siblings are happy and excited for us. And I have pregnancy buddy! His sister (my roommate) is pregnant! And his other sister in eastern washington! And my best friend over at Legos In My Pocket is! And I have more pregnant friends! It's pretty awesome :) super stoked!

*Breezie*

Movie Review: End of Watch

So I don't enjoy spoilers, and I used to do a movie review on my old blog on MySpace(obviously, ages ago) but I felt this movie was worth it. I truly enjoyed the film.

The Soldier and I went to the theatre yesterday to see End of Watch starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, and Anna Kendrick.  Didn't really know what the plot was or have too much idea as to what it was going to be about besides them being police officers. That actually worked to my benefit because it changed how I went into it. The movie has a soft underlying plot, but mostly is a very realistic feel of a day in the life. Gyllenhaal delivered an excellent performance and so did Peña. The movie had tons of laughing points considering it was a crime drama. I will warn that there was a few racist comments and definite race driven jokes and stereotypes but they were well placed and went both ways. The climax of the film was well done and I promise you, we would have heard a pin drop on the carpet. The theatre was THAT quiet. All popcorn digging, snack grabbing, and seat shuffling stopped.

All around a movie I definitely would recommend and I will definitely watch again.

*Breezie*

Movie Review: End of Watch

So I don't enjoy spoilers, and I used to do a movie review on my old blog on MySpace(obviously, ages ago) but I felt this movie was worth it. I truly enjoyed the film.

The Soldier and I went to the theatre yesterday to see End of Watch starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, and Anna Kendrick.  Didn't really know what the plot was or have too much idea as to what it was going to be about besides them being police officers. That actually worked to my benefit because it changed how I went into it. The movie has a soft underlying plot, but mostly is a very realistic feel of a day in the life. Gyllenhaal delivered an excellent performance and so did Peña. The movie had tons of laughing points considering it was a crime drama. I will warn that there was a few racist comments and definite race driven jokes and stereotypes but they were well placed and went both ways. The climax of the film was well done and I promise you, we would have heard a pin drop on the carpet. The theatre was THAT quiet. All popcorn digging, snack grabbing, and seat shuffling stopped.

All around a movie I definitely would recommend and I will definitely watch again.

*Breezie*