Winter (Updated)

For future notice, I am writing this at 3:15am on January 20th.. but being as I LOVE to antagonize my other  sock, I posted a teaser, until she comments on it and calls me a smart ass like I know she will, or texts me to tell me I'm a bitch for doing that.. I love her so... But I had to... Any who..

Winter was long for me this year.. at this moment though, I do not wish to discuss it yet... But I will. Just not today. Too much, too long, too many thoughts, feelings...

I am focusing on peace. I wish to keep myself in a state of peace for a little bit longer... So instead...

I post about the weather.

I live in the Pacific Northwest. I LOVE BEING HERE. It's beautiful, its green, lush, and amazing living here. I love the terrain, I love how in the summer we still get rain but its warm, I love that in winter I get to bundle up in a hat and scarf.. I even love how I HATE to be wet unless I am swimming or in the shower and yet I never use an umbrella because I find them a bit more hassle then their worth. To me at least. But I am weird and recently, discovered I'm crazy.. but another time...

Our weather here is often either rain, clouds, or in late June to end of August its beautiful and sunny. This year? Every few years we get snow. I remember in 2008-2009 we got snow.. a few days it stuck around and it was a good 12 inches or so.. growing up I wished for snow days but the trace amounts of snow was only ever enough to make us 2 hours late for school but RARELY did it get canceled.. I am fully aware that most states that actually have snow from October to March every year function as normal, life goes on, and school and work are never pushed to the side for snow..

We have treacherous hills, and our snow is WET... and this year, it was followed by freezing rain, which covered our 6-25+ inches of snow(depending on where in western Washington you are) with a quarter inch of ice. The beauty of it is INCREDIBLE... But its made for no power almost ANYWHERE and the temperatures are still any where from 26-32 degrees... We can handle weather here, but this would be dangerous for any and all.

And in that danger... I have seen SO much beauty... And as soon as I can get my phone to ALLOW me to post pics on my blog, I will. They are gorgeous and incredible and I wish for all of you to see... Even though I have only 2 followers... Haha and one is on my fb and has seen them already! But maybe one day when I'm all grown up I will have a lot of followers and they will go through my archives and see :) it would make me happy!

Bird walk! Back to the beauty.. as I walked home at 2am after work at the bar(before freaking out, I like 5 blocks away currently, its 2am, and there's all this snow and ice and freezing cold temperatures... Who is THAT desperate to rape someone? No one.) The trees are covered in ice.. all fallen over, broken, or weeping like a willow tree. Everywhere there is the sound of snow falling as a branch snaps and plummets to the ground.. sometimes hitting peoples cars or crashing through their windows or houses. The spots of undisturbed snow have iced over with a quarter inch sheet of ice. Amazingly, its safer to stomp through that then walk on the compacted ice. I could also walk in SOME of the slushy streets, but they are also icing over and I find the snow easier... Also the whole walking down the middle of the street thing...

I walked down streets and found what looked like water across a persons lawn.. nope, just the whole thing iced over and the porch light reflecting beautifully... My friend Melissa posted a beautiful picture on fb of a tree completely split in half.. the ice made it split directly down the middle.. beautiful and scary..

Nearly 300,000 people are without power.

Snapped power lines from the branches are all over the place. As previously stayed, we have mild winters. Lots of cloudy days, lots of rain, but never enough snow to cancel school. Homes aren't all built with fire places, many homes I see don't have them.. and to that I think insanity.. they have no heat. Businesses are without power, so they can't sell desperate cold people generators. Others are wishing they had fixed their generators. Everyone hoping to call a friend and say "hey, you have power, can I come keep warm?" Only to discover there's no power there either.

I do understand how many cities and states function perfectly with snow. I do. 200 snow plows to a city. We have 32 last I knew. 32 for the region. That doesn't go far. And it takes TIME. The cities only plow main roads, county roads, never our back streets.

I do truly believe that in the car vs skill debate, skill is what matters, good tires just as much.

The nice thing, we never have more then one snow event a winter. *knocks on wood* so I believe this is it. Good luck to all. Be safe and warm.

Anyways.. Sleep time... <3

*Breezie*

P.S. A lot was updated to this post b cuz I got tired and sleepy! I couldn't not post, due to my teaser post, but I got sleepy and bailed. So now updated!

I Don't Get It

I don't think I will EVER get it. For some reason, I am the bad child.

I turned 16 and got a job. I have held down a job successfully since then. I have never had a drug problem. I've only smoked pot a handful of times and I was 19 the first time. I don't like the feeling of being high so I don't do it. I don't have any children, I was smart enough to get on birth control and use condoms and do what I needed to to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I didn't drink in high school, again, I was 19 before I ever got drunk. I was in a safe environment and I didn't leave. We just had a good time and then went to bed.

My brothers... All of them.. are a different story. The one in particular this post is about shares my father with me. The 3 older ones are from a different father. My little brother has done drugs since he was in junior high. He used to sit in his room and do coke all night. When living at home, he didn't work, didn't contribute to the house, nothing. He dropped out of school. He had a girlfriend move in, she didn't pay rent or contribute either. I paid rent. Paid bills. He went to raves, he partied all the time. That was his life. He decided to go to school, and when finished, didn't have a job. Didn't WANT a job. He had a meth problem. In the middle of a meth binge one day, had unprotected sex cuz he doesn't like condoms. The result is my beautiful baby niece..

He still isn't working. Still isn't doing anything with his life. I have done everything I can to take care of myself... I have held down 2-3 jobs. And today I find out that my brother is a victim. Of? My father thinks he's a victim. The mother of Talon's baby trapped him. Um, sorry. Unless she raped him, Talon could have wrapped it. And he didn't. He CHOSE not to. How is he a victim?

How am I looked at like I can do nothing right but he's a victim? He makes these choices! I made the choice to help 2 people and they screwed me over! I don't get it. I don't understand why he is a victim if he knew the choice he made and was aware of his potential consequences...

He is a golden child and I am the fuck up... End rant...

P.s. don't get me wrong.. I love my little brother and I am not mad at him, its just something I don't understand. It isn't his fault my father sees him how he does... I just wish my dad actually saw reality.

*Breezie*

Unconditional

The love between child and parent is that kind of love.

Past that? I don't see it existing. Not for anyone else.

I love all my friends and all my family no matter what they put me through. I love everyone that way.

Why can't people love that way back?

Found it!!

Written 11/09/2011... Published today.

well. isnt that just a wee smack to the face. kinda.

a lot of my family has mental health issues. so i am really used to the dysfunction of it and used to the constant changes. i had a conversation with my very good friend who is bipolar, and she was even saying "do you realize how fast your talking right now?" i went online and took a test for it that states it isnt a positive diagnosis, but you should see a psychiatrist and have them determine if you truly are and if you need help getting balance back. my results come in...

1-10 points means your in a mania.
10-25 points says your in a depression and possible bipolar spectrum disorder.
25-60 points says bipolar spectrum disorder.

i scored a 51. Awesome sauce right?? so no little bit, i have to score almost as high as i can.

do i think its the end of my life? no way. do i realize all that i need to do with this? yes. i nee dto get in to a psychiatrist.

I will not...

Gouge out their eye balls.. take a baseball bat to their knees. Tie them to a table and drip water on their chest. Make them listen to nails on a chalk board. String them up by their toes. String them up by pubic hair.. no.. I really won't do that.. nasty ass disease infested ickiness.. where was I?
I will not strip them down to a tank top and chonies and make them lay in an ice bath.. draw penises on their face in sharpie and send them to work..
Shank them.. shoot them.. stab them.. expose them to ebola.. run them over with my car.. laugh as they contract ghonasyphaherpaAIDS.. drop them on an island full of lepers... plot evil doings of any kind.

I will not be doing any of these things or worse.. cuz I am a good person. I am a kind hearted person. I gave people a safe place to stay, I trusted them, I would have gone to battle for them. They called me friend, family, sister. This is NOT what family does. No, I don't have the best example of what real family is and I know this but there is a reason my mini family has Christmas and Thanksgiving apart from when its normally done. It's the only time we see what real family SHOULD be. Not the drama of overly intoxicated parents or aunt n uncles who have made an issue out of a non issue. Dirty laundry isn't aired or judged, we don't try and have drama, we just want an enjoyable holiday memory. That is family.

All those things I WANT to do to the people involved in the Hostile Takeover but I will not. I will wait for karma to take its vengeance and raise her mighty bitch slapper and I will wait for my good fortune. I will stop expecting something instant. I will simply wait patiently knowing I must be granted good fortune and for doing the good things I did. For enduring all that I have. Everything from my childhood, which made me stronger, to my rape 2 years ago. I believe that something positive must come. A break. A step forward.

Life will stop kicking me in the gut. It will stop pulling my teeth out with pliers and no pain killers. It will maybe at least spit on it first? There is a balance. Laws of science and physics. For every action there is an equal reaction.

For all good, there must be bad and for all bad there must be something good.

I am praying for peace.

*Breezie*

I realize I mostly only have like..2 people who read this.. so those who happen to stumble upon my blog, I apologize for my lack of shiny optimism. Some day I will get it back..

At A Loss...

I couldn't hate them more. I honestly have never wished ill will on people. I home she gets sick. I hope they end up homeless. I hope they all fucking rot in Hell.

MY LIFE GOT TURNED UPSIDE DOWN FOR THE STUPID THINGS THEY DID. I am suffering because of them. I HATE THEM.

Unlock It All Please

Inside I am a knotted mess. My stomach is doing gymnastics and my heart wants to pound and I feel sick.

I am so anxious all the time. I am angry all the time. Sometimes I feel like I displace it and sometimes I know that its going exactly where it should be. I keep waiting to feel better. Sometimes I do...

For 5 fucking minutes...

And then its right back to anxious mess. It's right back to hard to breathe and using all my energy to keep my stomach contents (or lack there of) in my belly.

I was a ridiculously optimistic, bouncy, fun loving girl at one time. Some day I feel that, but its clouded with a hint of pessimism and I feel like I am convincing myself that there is something good in the world when I know deep down its a rotted pile of cold butt... that didn't even make sense to me, but then again.. I don't make sense to me any more.

I know I am not the only girl in the world who has been through what I have. Do I feel like I am? Some days. Realistically I know I am not.

I remember last winter, almost a whole year after it happened, I told Jaimie. I remember she was so frustrated at my flakey behavior and my wanting to block the world out.. in all fairness, she was going through something and need me. I didn't know where to find it in me to be there..

Guilt. A newly discovered feeling as I write this now.

I remember her telling me I needed to come over and talk to her. I remember her trying to help me get through this then.. her making me say it out loud. To feel what hurt so very badly.

I felt violated all over again. Not by her, just felt myself in my room again. A place that had been safe and now felt like I was naked and exposed.

Part of me wanted to hide away forever, to sit in the dark, with no one around. No, all of me wanted to.

I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to feel. I don't know how I have come through this without a dependency on any form of drug or alcohol. I didn't drown myself in booze or start doing drugs to forget my feelings.

I found my addiction to karaoke though... I found my tiny little bar, with nice friendly people, and I found that they didn't judge me. They didn't push me. They seemed to accept me without asking me questions about who I am and what brings me in. I found confidence in my singing in public and found that I could poor my feelings into a song and I could feel better... for a minute...

I still love karaoke but it is feeling empty... I think that's why I started this. I will never be better if I don't process.

Is it just me or are my blogs a jumbled mess? Maybe further insight into the inner workings of of my brain and thoughts and feelings...

I am a jumbled mess...

Perhaps worse then I ever realized.

*Breezie*