Dress Rehearsal

My boyfriends sister is getting married. I am here at the dress rehearsal and I don't know all the details of things... I started planning my own wedding when I was engaged. The song I wanted to walk down the aisle to was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. Interestingly enough, that is this bride's choice.

My brain becomes flooded with my own wedding plans and memories. It's interesting how it pulls at me.. my mind and heart feels slightly confused.

I am looking at this wondering if I truly ever will be the one walking down the aisle for more then just part of the bridal party.

My heart is hurting a little because I found out last night my boyfriend was dishonest about something. Not super important but his reason was he wasn't comfortable discussing it. So he lied. It hurt and my heart hurts.
I understand... But it still hurts...

Song: "Through Glass"-Stone Sour

*Breezie*

Time of the Season

It's getting close. So close. I can't do anything to stop it and inside I'm screaming over it.

I am stronger now then I was before. I understand the things inside me better but it still isn't gone..

I'm looking at his departure date and my insides rip. I don't know how to take it all. I'm looking at him and inside I am silently weeping. I am going to be living 6 months without him. He's doing this to give his life structure. He's doing it for his future. For a future he says he wants with me... Yet... I notice his distance. Emotionally he's become distant and I don't know how to bring him back.

I keep thinking its me. Did we jump in too fast? Do I make him unhappy? Has my weight gain made him distant? I notice his habits.. different. Where as once when I would come home he would grab me and pull me close now he doesn't. He even pushed me away night before last. He feels so distant.

I can barely get anything from him. He tells me its in my head, or tells me he is still as crazy about me as day one but he used to cuddle with me. Used to. He says he's nervous and scared but so am I. I'm nervous and scared and trying not to lose him and I don't know how to keep from losing him.

I'm scared. I'm scared this wasn't what he thought it would be and he doesn't know how to tell me. When I try to bring it up it usually turns into a fight and I don't want a fight but I can't get him to open up. I try. I try to open the conversation but it doesn't seem to happen.

I know his life is about to change and so is mine but why does that mean I am on the outside when he's supposed to love me?

Emotionally I'm a wreck. Again.

And There It Goes...

Sanity. Months of focus and trying to calm myself and feel better and keep myself sane.

How fast it goes to shit when you talk to me. How fast my sanity runs out the door, down the street. How I instantly wish to scream and rant and rave and cry so hysterically and start pushing people away...

When I'm like this I don't know how to deal with them and no one knows how to deal with me. I realize I don't know how to deal with anyone.

I'm ready to run away again. Find home in another state, country, life time. Just... Away...

No home. No roots. No chance for pain whether created by others or myself.

One of These Days

One of these days you might realize how like your mother you are. I asked for help when I needed to, after you kept saying to do so.

You want your house to be without kids, I'm over 18 so your obligation is done so you say, and fine, it is, which is why I am trying to get out. Trying to take care of myself.

Unlike with you, I don't have someone to pay my rent. I have no one to pay my bills, no one to support me while I go to school. I have to do it all myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get myself to a point where I won't be freaking out cuz I can't afford my rent and trying to get a car and all that. I don't know what more to do.

I'm doing it alone. No mom to pay my rent. No dad to cover my bills. Just me.

I realize its taking a while but shouldn't you be proud that one come this far? Look at how far I sank. Look at where I was picking myself up from. But that doesn't matter.

Nothing is an achievement, just expectation. Regardless of what it is. I could be elected president, it was expected. Not earned and achieved.

Forever the disappointment.

*Breezie*

The Bite Was Strong

It bit me... And now it doesn't wanna go away...

*SIGH*

I... Want a baby... Badly...

I can't shake the feeling of disappointment each month that my period shows up, like its supposed to because I'm not pregnant.. not that I expected to be but I'm not. And I want to be.

Today is the 4th of July, I spent it with my boyfriends family even though the Traveling Soldier is not here. Nasty case of strep and he's home in bed. So I'm here without him.

His sisters, both here, have little boys. Both are great kids and I have so much fun with them, playing with them, making them giggle and cleaning up bloody noses and running around the lawn as the little one crawls... Dexter is 11 months old. So sweet, so awesome, not a crier at all. So I have fun with him. William is 2 and a great kid.

And I'm thinking... Ok. All my siblings have them. I'm the only one without. I enjoy being Auntie but I really want to be mommy...

*sigh*

The bug bit me and it bit me good...

Have a safe and happy 4th everyone

*Breezie*

Nerves

A little on edge. I'm pretending it doesn't bother me for the sake of my own sanity, but I am a little nervous this time.

My pap came back abnormal. Again. Of course, every other one is abnormal, and then I have a normal one. The doctor didn't even want to do my pap this time cuz I had one a year ago. I insisted. I'm glad I did. I've known that eventually I'd test abnormal and a doctor would actually do something, this time they are.

I have to set an appointment for a colposcopy(sp?) which is where they mix an iodine and vinegar solution and they wipe it on my cervix. They will then wait for my cervix to change colors and time how fast it happens, then they will do a biopsy. That will hurt... They did one before when I was 16.

Makes me nervous... And the Soldier is nervous as well.. he's worried about me now. I keep reassuring him, hopefully all will be ok. They mentioned cancer already, and if it is, then its been caught. I know I'll be ok.

Til later...

*Breezie*

Song: "Breathe" -Greenwheel

I still can't...

I tried. I wanted to. I have reason to. Yet it just won't happen.

I can't seem to hate him. Even with a baby on the way, I can't hate him. It went from we couldn't speak, to only screaming, to no speaking, to tentative but calm communication... Now, we talk. Almost normal, but what is normal when you were once madly in love and spending your lives together? We talk like old friends. There is still a pang deep inside at some things... And I do miss him. I miss the good. I miss the madly... Key word being mad... I mean it in the crazy term, not angry. It was irrational, but yet amazing. A sense of passion I had never known before existed inside me.

That, my friends, is why I can't hate him. The Passion he brought to my attention, awakened inside me. I am so torn in how to feel today, but I know that I can't hate him.

I know some people enjoy hating. Others do not. It's not that I don't, I just CAN'T... Not him. I just don't seem to have it in me to hate someone I once loved and cared for.

Still love and care for... Even if I shouldn't.

It started as he was my new best friend, then he became my boyfriend, fiance... Now he is one of my best friends, even if it hurts and is hard. He knows everything about me.

And now... I feel a little better...