Obsession

Over the weekend I experienced what was probably the scariest time of my life.

The nurse giving me oxygen, fluids, a shot to stop my labor because I was only 5 centimeters dilated and my son was forcing his way out and his heart rate kept tanking. .. Really was super calm even though my son was at risk for dying. Even my brother assaulting me while pregnant, I was scared but I knew it would be ok because I had my husband.

This weekend I could have lost my husband. I still worry. I will always worry.

How do I deal with being scared? Finding an obsessive outlet.

Two words: Fantasy. Football.

Looking up all the players and whether or not they are injured, did they suffer an injury last season, etc. is the way I am dealing. Yep. Hours and hours of research and decisions and checking bye weeks and double checking by weeks. Hours. My brain is swimming with football.

It's ok though. I am in it to win it. Let's just hope I have some beginners luck ;)

I need something to make me stop starring at my husband wondering if at any moment it's going to happen again. I will explain what at a later date. In the meantime, I will obsess and obsess and obsess some more about fantasy. My dream team I am hoping wins me some happy money.

Until then,

*Breezie*

"Life is Beautiful"- Sixx A.M.

Musings

There is a moment in life where you realize that everything you went through really did prepare you for something better. Cliche, yes, but we are talking about me and I don't care. My horribly failed relationships, my parents constant fighting growing up, even my attempted suicide.

My parents argued daily. They called each other names, my mom broke things that belonged to my dad, they "stole" from each other. They got into fights so bad things would get thrown and my dad usually would retreat in the car life battles of the middle ages. He would disappear for the day, not often the same place twice in case my mom wanted to find him. I tell you this to lead you into this:

My parents relationship made me beloved that behavior was normal. Couples fight, they stick it out for this reason or that. Everyone deals with it right? It's normal to see your boyfriend throw his daughter across the house(literally), or him be drunk and threaten to beat you with a simple fist in your face. He didn't hit me, but he surely did make it clear that he could and would. Another got drunk, disappeared for days, spent all our money on weed, constantly accused me of cheating, told me no one could love me as much as him, cheated and gave me chlamydia and still said I was the cheat. I nearly took my own life and was ready to die. This is all normal though. This happens. My mom nearly took her life quite a few times growing up. 3 times in 18 months when I was 21 and 22, so my singular attempt is actually normal right?

Those happily ever afters don't exist. People don't actually respect each other, treat each other like adults, and ACTUALLY behave like they love each other. That can't be. Hollywood does that. They romanticize life and love but that is not reality. My relationships were normal. I couldn't find any examples around me that didn't have something like that involved in their lives at some point or another.

At some point I reached enough. I set a new standard. I would be treated with respect and I would settle for nothing less. I had to keep my mental health well. I couldn't reach the point of wishing for death again. I wouldn't allow someone to have control of my life like that.

I met a guy. He was silly and sweet. Southern gentleman out of movies sweet. Opens my door. Never tells me what I can't do unless he finds it unsafe. Rarely gets angry. Has never once yelled at me... Ever. I have been with him nearly 2 years. Married a little over a year. He made me realize that you CAN have a happy life, a respectful relationship, and raise children in a family that doesn't act like how I grew up.

I never wanted any child of mine to be raised in a home like my childhood. My husband is my best friend. He opened my eyes to what the world can be like, to a truly happy me. I haven't been medicated for my bipolar disorder since I have been with Hubby. He is my medicine and keeps me balanced.

All the things I saw and dealt with was so I would give my husband the chance and see him and not take him for granted.

On September 3rd, 2013, our son was born. Yep, he hung on and was brought into the world full term, healthy, happy, and into the arms of loving parents. Blessed is the only description for my life now. All of the above brought me to this. My son is beautiful. He is wonderful. He is almost 8 months old, crawls, walks along furniture... He is my greatest accomplishment.

Here is an idea how happy life has become: I got my first job at 11. Inconsistant and sporadic at best, but a job. At 16 I got a steady job and still worked the other one. I have only been unemployed for 3 weeks since then... Until I was 38 weeks pregnant when my boss said to me that my next shift was covered. He put me on maternity leave. I thought I'd be back to work in 8 weeks, at the most, because I can't stay home. I haven't worked since August. I'm happy. Best job ever and the only one that is this important. I'm shaping a child and his mind. I love the little boogie.

In the past, I only blogged when upset, but today was just an update and a moment of happiness.

I leave you with one of my favorite happy songs:

"Pumpin' Blood"- Nonono

*Breezie*

Time Goes By....

my phone makes me angry, yes i can post from it as long as the app for my phone works. problem, my phone doesnt want to FUNCTION with too many apps, and that is one that it doesnt want to support.. GRR..

If my tax return would ever get here i could get my new phone...

So... i was pregnant again.. and so far i still am :) today i am 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant, baby boy, and we are naming him Jackson. he is an active little guy who has some incredibly strong kicks even if the kicks arent that frequent. he likes to roll. i dont know how to explain that sensation but thats what he does. i am so excited for my little baby. September 1st cant seem to come fast enough.

Married life: no different than single life with a partner. i really have such an amazing husband. a weirdo, a goober, a complete riot who looks at me on a daily basis and accepts my quirky little things... like when i told him i wanted to alphabetize all of our movies by genre(drama, action, comedy, tv, ..etc.) he just stared at me and told me he loves me. i settled for movies in one section, tv on dvd on another, and when Jack gets here there will be kids movies in another section. i have been trying to nest for probably 5-6 weeks, but i feel like that seems to early considering i was only halfway through. i want my house clean, i want my room clean, and when my roommates dont do their part it drives me CRAZY. the joys of sharing your household... i have a plan that should have Hubby and i either renting our own apartment or buying a home within 3 years... but this depends on school for both of us. his plan is welding and i want to go into something for the medical field, and both of us should be done pretty quickly... well, before we are 30. mostly me... because i am a tiny bit older than my husband. 30. no more roommates, financially stable and paying off mountains of student debt. all while trying to provide our son with the best life we can possibly provide him with and all the love a child should have.


"Simple Man"- Shinedown (Lynyrd Skynyrd originally but i am a sucker for acoustic)

*Breezie*

So Much To Say

Right now... I kind of feel... I dunno. Like I owe my readers something.. to be honest, I'm sure I don't. I only have 2 followers, one who knows what's going on, the other, not so. But I don't know that she even reads me religiously. Not that my blog is consistent enough for that...
So.. where to begin? A few months ago, I shared a post. It was my story. One reason out of many for why my head is so ridiculously FUCKED right now... My up bringing is another reason, but I don't feel like going there this moment...
Maybe I should dabble there..
My mother is bipolar. Now, some of you may be aware of how it kind of works.. some of you might even be bipolar yourself. First thing is first... No two people are the same. There are general symptoms of bipolar disorder. Also know, if a doctor has not diagnosed you, you might not be. You might have something else going on, so while it is good that your aware something is wrong, GO SEE A DOCTOR. Beyond that... As I said, no two people are the same. Some are the manic kind. The kind that don't sleep, the kind that almost remind you of a crack addict, they are generally on the happy side when manic. Generally. There is the depressed side. The I-don't-wanna-get-out-of-bed side, the tearful and sad side. The despair. The feeling of being utterly alone and like no one understands. And there is the in between...
When I say no two people are the same, I mean that. I started showing signs of being bipolar, I don't know when, but I did. Everything inside me is so out of whack, I couldn't begin to tell you what has happened. I took a stupid online test and found myself testing about as bipolar as they come. Hello, you have my attention. I found myself sleeping maybe 2 hours a night in November, regardless of everything I tried to do. I just didn't sleep. Weeks. Like that. Angry. Depressed but wide awake, screaming, fighting. Pushing fights. My poor fiance truly did have a lot to put up with. I did try reaching out. I swear I did. At some point, in December, I felt so dead inside I wanted to die. So I said something. I reached out, I asked for help, I called a hospital, I called and tried to get myself help and wasn't called back. I reached out to friends, and some to this day simply do not get it. Their words scream their lack of understanding.
In my life, very close to me are 3 bipolar people. Each different, as different as can be. And I was compared to another bipolar person and told there is no way I am. One has a tendency to be manic, my mom was always depressed and the other fluctuates so much it could make ur head spin. My mother has only had 2 full on manic episodes in her 25+ years being bipolar. I have seen her manic, but she's what they call hypo manic. Kind of a toned down version. They aren't so cracked out. My mom thinks I'm like that, and I am in agreeance that my mania is moderately manageable.
Well, on December 30th 2011, I took an entire bottle of pills and I tried to kill myself. I. Was. Done. Tired of hurting, of asking for help and not getting it. I thought about it for weeks. Realizing that yes, a few people cared, but couldn't fix me and others cared but didn't have the time to try and help. I have worked so hard to over come everything I was brought up with. I got tired of fighting. I got tired of fighting for the will to live.
Sometimes people can try to help but don't know how to proceed in doing so. Sometimes, they try and become overwhelmed by their feelings. Sometimes they are pushed to breaking points. Often times he was pushed by me for no reason other then my desire to drive him away. I don't think it was different then me telling another person I wanted them to stop caring so I could die in peace. I just didn't know how to push her like that right then... I was also totally trashed, drunk to puking and the leave-me-the-hell-alone-so-I-can-die kind of drunk, except it wasn't just the alcohol making me projectile vomit, I actually said it and meant it. She asked me later if I remembered what I said, and being as I was drunk and know I babbled a lot, I said no. Not sure what of my many things were said. She picked that, I claimed to not remember or very vaguely. It made it easier to keep her off my back as I decided how I would do it, when, and get all my stuff packed n ready for easy transport to be gotten rid of and thrown away or donated.
I kept telling my fiance how I felt and he kept telling me to get help. He didn't know how to get it for me and I didn't know how to make it go faster. He tried but I know my uncontrollable state of mind has taken a toll on him, but he loves me regardless. As he's kept telling ke he was going to get his court stuff handled, he started becoming worried about being gone. About my mental state. Rightfully so. I think he is the only person in my life who had seen inside my head and knew what was there.
On the 30th, I broke. Snapped. Got upset and decided I didn't care ne more.
And I barely remember that weekend. I got out of the hospital and vaguely remember the weekend. All of it. It was dark Friday night. I got back to my moms n told her Jaimie didn't know and she needed to. I remember her crying on me. I remember another friend on Saturday, barely. I slept through New Years, waking at 12:07, texting Jaimie happy birthday and falling back to sleep. Sunday I got up out of bed for more then just to pee. I ate some scrambled eggs that night, n went back to bed. Doctors had told me no work til at least Monday. I returned to work Monday night. I was still sick, felt horrible, and wasn't sure I had energy to last 6 hours on my feet. I'd spent the past 3 days asleep. I wouldn't drink caffeine, scared it would harm my system. I needed to heal.


*WRITTEN 2/3/2012*
i didnt realize i never finished it and didnt post it. i got therapy, got help, got on medication, and now i'mmarried, happy, and stable.

That Feeling...(written 8/5/2012, didnt post properly, posting today!)

I made huge steps and progress in my life this week.
I now have a home :) I have an apartment. After losing my house last October I felt like I'd never be back in my own place. I attempted suicide in December after despair swept over me to the point I couldn't take any more. I've spent months trying to get back on my feet. Years. I feel like I lost myself 3 years ago after I was raped.. I've been lost inside for a long time and I actually feel myself coming together again.
My apartment is beautiful :) The community is nice. My roommate is awesome. She is as excited as I am. Her divorce last year had her living on her moms couch for the last year... And if you really know me, you know I was living on my friends couch for most of the last 10 months. Wow. Almost a year being "homeless".
Now, I have a home. Every day I come home to my house, my bed, my room. After we are finished with the moving and stuff, I plan to have my kitty to come home to :) that makes me even more happy...
My Soldier leaves for basic and AIT in October, he was also living at his moms, so until then, he's going to live with me. I wake up to him, fall asleep with him.. its nice.
When I moved in with Josh and Jeremy it was what felt right, but I remember more hesitation.. I don't feel that this time. I don't feel like this is going to probably go drastically wrong and I'm going to be broken again.. it feels right. Like he really is that other part of me.. Like maybe he isn't just another one passing through.. he's genuinely sweet and polite, charming, loving, and best of all, when we do have the rare argument, he's still respectful. He doesn't call me names and tell me I'm stupid and make me feel like I'm worthless.
Him being home with me for once feels like its cuz we want it and not because its needed... I feel like I should have been born with another foot... For another sock...
That feeling?
It's called complete.

Lots of New!

i have found i am missing the blog world. i found some awesome blogs to follow, but i got so far behind, its been difficult to fall back in. i felt lost the last time i tried catching up but i was also busy working a LOT more than i do now. so... i think im adding all my blogger back onto my phone and my blog app so i can keep up with you guys. not that i myself have that many readers although i have over 1000 page views!! i was pretty shocked to see that!

So... update on me. my miscarriage was devastating. i found myself being more judgmental with people who had kids. if they seemed ungrateful(like my neighbors often do) i found myself wanting to scream at them and try and make them realize how blessed they were to have a child at all... when i am a loving woman who wants a kid and couldnt have them. i interact with my nieces and nephews and have heard how i'd be a good mom, but i lose babies.. it is not fair.

Needless to say, I harbored anger. I was trying to let it go, spending time with the little kiddos in my life made me feel better and made my heart happy but i still had anger...

Christmas came... I got engaged. Again. This time is different. My whole relationship and life is different. In almost every possible way.

New years came... i was sick. and late -_-

And..... pregnant. Again. I cried. i was not and am not ready to be in that situation again. I was already 5 weeks when i found out. had my first ultrasound at 5 weels and 5 days and found a healthy little baby with a healthy heartbeat. i couldnt hear it but i could see it. i began planning ideas for a summer wedding and then we just decided to do it.

So a week ago, i got married. it was small, short, sweet, and to the point. the ceremony took literally less than 5 min and it was pretty much family. we are still having out big wedding and im probably waddling down the aisle at 8 and 1/2 months pregnant. im due on September 1st and i am getting more excited but trying really hard not to get that way too early. at this point i am 10 weeks. i had constant nausea since about 5 weeks and 3 days that subsided 4 days ago and honestly had me worried. my super tender boobs stopped being tender and i finally looked up stuff online and it said i am looking normal. lots of women stop their nausea at 10 weeks, it means my placenta is taking over the hormone stuff and nourishing my baby. i can only hope. 3 miscarriages and all of them before 6 weeks, the baby is the size of a plum and i dont want to imagine what that pain would feel like. ever. not again. the devastation my husband and i suffered the last time was so awful.

So, i am hoping this time... everything works. hopefully i have my baby as i am planning and my husband is now not joining the military, so i dont have to worry about him leaving :) i completely supported his decision to be in the military especially since it was decided before we got together but now i get to have him for my pregnancy and always. i  dont need to worry about him getting  shot or blown up over in Afghanistan or Syria or any of the other places that are experiencing conflict.


Until next time lovlies....

*Breezie*

"The Girl"-City and Colour

Follow Up

So I went to the doctor to follow up after my miscarriage. I didn't wanna be there, but I don't really get that choice.

I needed to do this. I had questions.

The doctor asked me to come back again in 2 weeks to do blood work so they can test and see if something is wrong that made me miscarry. This is my 3rd one. I have no children. So now I just wait...

The Day After....

I am sitting here wondering how to start this post. Yesterday I tried to sleep but couldn't. I got 2 hours of sleep Thursday night. I could feel myself getting the feeling of being manic. I laid in bed next to my soldier while he slept and I cried off and on. I got up and went to work last night and did my best to smile. He came with me, saying he thought he should go to be my support. Once we got there I knew it was because he needed to be with me for his own support. He looked at me with such sadness. Sat 5 feet from me and then sent me a text that said he wanted to drink it all away but he knew when he woke up it would be there. That ripped my heart to shreds all over again. I realized then how sad he was. He has been my rock and I realized that in my grief I needed to be his as well.

I managed sleep but just before I went to bed I realized part of our ordeal wasn't over. My bleeding had dramatically subsided but wasn't done. I had the worst cramping in my life. I believe I passed the rest of the tissue still in my uterus. It hurt my heart again. I feel empty. My heart feels a tiny bit lighter when he has his arms around me, but the empty and hollow feeling is always there. I feel hollow in my belly and literally feel like part of my heart is missing. Like it truly isn't whole.

I was working with a girl last spring who's nephew passed away the day after he was born. We all know that there are babies who pass away from things like SIDS, that women experience miscarriages. I see women who don't appreciate their children, who see motherhood as a burden. They don't realize how blessed they are. It becomes all too real when you are the mother of a loss or are close to someone who loses theirs.. love those little ones.. love your baby. Love your child. Thank God every day for the blessing He has given you.

We will try again. Later. We both want to. Someone told me last night that they experienced a miscarriage, their relationship didn't make it. I see us being closer, I see us being stronger, I see us being unable to make it through this if we didn't have each other. I know the only reason I haven't prayed for death is because I have him. Our hearts will heal.

Just a matter of when...

"Awake My Soul" - Mumford & Sons

*Breezie*

Devastation

I first want to say, this is my safe place. I am sharing my life here, but this is where I get to rant, rave, express my feelings, process my thoughts, allow myself to vent my horrible thoughts and feelings and then realize if I was wrong. I don't usually post my blog posts to my Facebook page but today I am. Again. THIS IS MY SAFE PLACE TO PROCESS. If you choose to at any point look at old posts, remember that. People change, opinions change, epiphanies happen, and I don't always post those. So please, I don't judge you, don't judge me.

Last week Sunday I went to the ER because I had spotting and cramping. I found out I was 5 weeks, I then KNEW when I concieved. Exactly. So today, I'd be 6 weeks and 2 days. The doctor did an ultrasound, blood tests, a urinalysis... Said bleeding and cramps are normal. If it gets worse come back but relax and stay off my feet. Rest. So I did.

I woke up at 6am starting my period today, after cramps all last night. I knew I was losing my baby. I dreamed last week Saturday night, the night before I went to the ER the first time that I lost the baby. All this week things were changing. My protein cravings went down, my moodiness became slightly less, my breasts stopped hurting so badly... Little things hinted along the way and I chose to ignore them.

I know I did nothing wrong. I know there was nothing I could do. Something was wrong with my baby and God chose not to let me keep this one.. He will give me one when its time.. but this baby I prayed so hard for... Was not my miracle baby we thought he would be.. I still think he's a boy. He may not have even had much for a heartbeat but he has a spirit, one I felt. And as his mommy, I know he was a boy..

I cry. I have cried a lot today. I want to sleep but I'm instantly manic. I am so tired and I hurt so badly.

I have an amazing partner. My soldier is the best partner I could ask for. (For new readers, to protect my friends, family, and enemies, I post no names to here, not for those I know that read, but for unknown people who read.) He is such a good rock for me right now. I am blessed to still have him. He is amazing and I love him so... I know we will try again at another time and I know he's meant for me... He's just as devastated as I am, just as he was just as excited as I was.

I have support from more then just him... I have amazing friends and family who love and support me. Thank you all for that.

I apologize for anything in advance if I become angry and guarded again.. I apologize if I say hurtful things because I'm not paying attention before I speak.. I just know the me I am when I am hurt... And I am sorry for how I become...

I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual... I do believe in God and I do believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. For my little family. I know I don't have the baby anymore but my soldier and I are still a little family surrounded by a bigger one...

"Breathe" -Anna Nalick

*Breezie*

2 and 1/2 Weeks

Until I get to find out how far along I am. It has only been a week and a half since I initially found out and it feels like a life time! I want to know my baby is healthy, I want to know that its growing right, and I want to make sure the dream I had last night wasn't a premonition...

I dreamed I am having twins... I don't think I'm ready for that... Not with what I want. I need to change some things, and I know I will need to work twice as hard to get there but I have to change things and do better for myself and my baby. I'm happy and love my life but it is not the life I want when I'm raising my child.

Written a week ago today... Posting anyway

Pregnancy Makes Me... Assertive.

Generally I have this filter. It decides its not my business, therefore, I don't need to say anything.

Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!! Right now? That filter is OFF. And I am truly loving it. What I normally won't say I bluntly do. 14 year old with no clothes? Put your clothes back on since your bitching about the 40 yr old men gaping at you.. its that simple. I'm a bit snappy with my Soldier and that I do regret...

But I was snappy in the store today and about 2 minutes later he walked up and wrapped his arms around me from behind and said that even when I'm snappy I'm still amazing and he still loves me and kissed my cheek bunches. Which makes me feel bad for the grumpy... I try with him, I do, but hormones are everywhere.

I do however enjoy my snappy when its in the right places :) its pretty awesome...

Oh, I've lost 8lbs since I was weighed on August 29th, so 1st trimester is eating my body away. No appetite today... Maybe that's why I was cranky??

*Breezie*

Happy!

So, i'm really only doing this because im pretty sure if i dont, facebook will HATE me forever!

I am the epitome of happy, glowy, excited mommy-to-be. i want to shout it from the roof tops that i am pregnant. then, just to be sure, i wanna shout it again. i touch my stomach every chance i get. hey, its mine. i will touch it as often as i want!! i dont even mind when family and friends are touching it already. Rich is the father, and hes so excited!! he told everyone he saw last night that hes going to be a daddy. i dont know too many guys who have literally been this excited. no hesitancy, no questions asking me if im sure i wanna have a baby and do all this. no doubts. hes scared, but hes thrilled we are having a child together. and i cant wait! so far *knocks on wood* my pregnancy has been amazing. dont know when im due yet, wont know til November at my ultrasound. if he leaves before i go to it that will be sad, but i will find a way to make sure he gets to experience the heartbeat with me...he rubs my belly every day and then says "you're having my baby" with the sweetest look in his eye.

this girl couldnt GLOW any brighter!!!

i think i will probably find a way to post to my blog pretty often as im going through pregnancy, since im going to wind up pissing off people on facebook with every thing... thats because ive had issues with my lady bits for years. i was told it would be hard to concieve, if at all. i have had enough oops and accidents that most women would have children from...a year of not using any birth control really... and then i look at girls who are on birth control, run out, go 3 days without, then start again and find out they are pregnant a month later. or havent had sex in months, have sex once, and boom. baby. this is my miracle baby....

Rich pointed out last week i was late. getting ready for work, i was laying in bed and he was getting dressed and he just looked at me and said " you know, you're late..." yep... i was aware. but according to the app id been following, it was Thursday and i was only 2 days late. i have a long cycle. like, 38 days long. yea... that in itself is a 5 week cycle! i didnt think too much of it. i had to hard reset my phone the day i was supposed to start and when i redownloaded my app, i had lost EVERYTHING.. id know what day we concieved baby if it hadnt been for that. i cant tell you now. no idea. i found a new app, even better in my opinion, and it said i wasnt going to start til one week later. so i really stopped thinking about it until Tuesday came. I had NONE of my period symptoms. Spotting, cramping, lil bit bloated, nothing. Wednesday came and i had to go by my house for something anyways before going back to continue my week long visit with Rich's family, so i figured i'd grab the tests i had at home. i decided to take it Thursday morning, since thats the best time. on my 2 hour drive back to his dad's, i thought a lot about everything... and knew at this point, i am late. i did the math and my period wasnt there, it was really late...and i didnt want to find out something was even more wrong with me... so i actually sat in the car and i prayed that i was pregnant. i prayed that i wasnt going to find out something else was horribly wrong, that i was pregnant, for once, and having a baby. that i could have a healthy baby... that Rich would really be excited... he had joked all this time about me being pregnant but you never really know how a guy is going to react until you have him truly in the situation. he jokingly told me to take the test when i got back. so at about 6:15 i did. and the 2 pink lines IMMEDIATELY popped up. i ran from the bathroom and shoved the stick in his face. he didnt know what i was saying, so i looked at his dad and said i was pregnant. his dad smiled and congradulated us and Rich kissed me and hugged me close and then said he was scared and went to smoke... all i can think at this moment is i needed to tell Jaimie, cuz she would understand where i was at. i called her and it took her a min to register what i was saying, but she finally realized i had my miracle baby. not married first like we wanted, but i dont even care now. i just want my baby healthy and i want to enjoy my pregnancy with Rich and watch out baby grow and be born and raise the baby together.. hes has told EVERYONE im pregnant. i did plan to wait... but he had it all over his facebook so i decided not to hide it. he couldnt contain his joy and i couldnt either...

 so i sit here... rubbing my belly, looking behind me to the man who helped me create this baby, i thank God it was me being pregnant, and that the baby was created out of love and i know its going to be a very loved little baby...


and i look back at this and realize these words dont begin to express what inside me at the moment...

"Blessed"-Martina McBride


*Breezie*

Holy Strawberries!

I'm having a baby! I'm pregnant! Years of thinking I'd never have a child... Thinking I'd be Auntie to everyone else and never having a baby... I'm pregnant! Confirmation tests tomorrow. Blood work. All that. Yay.

I'm excited! And so is my Soldier! He's honestly happy and excited and I can't believe I got that lucky! He was rubbing my belly and he's being all sweet... Apparently I was aggressive today, but I didn't realize... Feel kind of bad... But I think I can be just aware and maybe it won't be so bad... Maybe he can just say baby breathe and I'll calm down?!?!

Mom is excited, dad says I'm ruining my life... His mom n dad n siblings are happy and excited for us. And I have pregnancy buddy! His sister (my roommate) is pregnant! And his other sister in eastern washington! And my best friend over at Legos In My Pocket is! And I have more pregnant friends! It's pretty awesome :) super stoked!

*Breezie*

Movie Review: End of Watch

So I don't enjoy spoilers, and I used to do a movie review on my old blog on MySpace(obviously, ages ago) but I felt this movie was worth it. I truly enjoyed the film.

The Soldier and I went to the theatre yesterday to see End of Watch starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, and Anna Kendrick.  Didn't really know what the plot was or have too much idea as to what it was going to be about besides them being police officers. That actually worked to my benefit because it changed how I went into it. The movie has a soft underlying plot, but mostly is a very realistic feel of a day in the life. Gyllenhaal delivered an excellent performance and so did Peña. The movie had tons of laughing points considering it was a crime drama. I will warn that there was a few racist comments and definite race driven jokes and stereotypes but they were well placed and went both ways. The climax of the film was well done and I promise you, we would have heard a pin drop on the carpet. The theatre was THAT quiet. All popcorn digging, snack grabbing, and seat shuffling stopped.

All around a movie I definitely would recommend and I will definitely watch again.

*Breezie*

Movie Review: End of Watch

So I don't enjoy spoilers, and I used to do a movie review on my old blog on MySpace(obviously, ages ago) but I felt this movie was worth it. I truly enjoyed the film.

The Soldier and I went to the theatre yesterday to see End of Watch starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Peña, and Anna Kendrick.  Didn't really know what the plot was or have too much idea as to what it was going to be about besides them being police officers. That actually worked to my benefit because it changed how I went into it. The movie has a soft underlying plot, but mostly is a very realistic feel of a day in the life. Gyllenhaal delivered an excellent performance and so did Peña. The movie had tons of laughing points considering it was a crime drama. I will warn that there was a few racist comments and definite race driven jokes and stereotypes but they were well placed and went both ways. The climax of the film was well done and I promise you, we would have heard a pin drop on the carpet. The theatre was THAT quiet. All popcorn digging, snack grabbing, and seat shuffling stopped.

All around a movie I definitely would recommend and I will definitely watch again.

*Breezie*

Dress Rehearsal

My boyfriends sister is getting married. I am here at the dress rehearsal and I don't know all the details of things... I started planning my own wedding when I was engaged. The song I wanted to walk down the aisle to was "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. Interestingly enough, that is this bride's choice.

My brain becomes flooded with my own wedding plans and memories. It's interesting how it pulls at me.. my mind and heart feels slightly confused.

I am looking at this wondering if I truly ever will be the one walking down the aisle for more then just part of the bridal party.

My heart is hurting a little because I found out last night my boyfriend was dishonest about something. Not super important but his reason was he wasn't comfortable discussing it. So he lied. It hurt and my heart hurts.
I understand... But it still hurts...

Song: "Through Glass"-Stone Sour

*Breezie*

Time of the Season

It's getting close. So close. I can't do anything to stop it and inside I'm screaming over it.

I am stronger now then I was before. I understand the things inside me better but it still isn't gone..

I'm looking at his departure date and my insides rip. I don't know how to take it all. I'm looking at him and inside I am silently weeping. I am going to be living 6 months without him. He's doing this to give his life structure. He's doing it for his future. For a future he says he wants with me... Yet... I notice his distance. Emotionally he's become distant and I don't know how to bring him back.

I keep thinking its me. Did we jump in too fast? Do I make him unhappy? Has my weight gain made him distant? I notice his habits.. different. Where as once when I would come home he would grab me and pull me close now he doesn't. He even pushed me away night before last. He feels so distant.

I can barely get anything from him. He tells me its in my head, or tells me he is still as crazy about me as day one but he used to cuddle with me. Used to. He says he's nervous and scared but so am I. I'm nervous and scared and trying not to lose him and I don't know how to keep from losing him.

I'm scared. I'm scared this wasn't what he thought it would be and he doesn't know how to tell me. When I try to bring it up it usually turns into a fight and I don't want a fight but I can't get him to open up. I try. I try to open the conversation but it doesn't seem to happen.

I know his life is about to change and so is mine but why does that mean I am on the outside when he's supposed to love me?

Emotionally I'm a wreck. Again.

And There It Goes...

Sanity. Months of focus and trying to calm myself and feel better and keep myself sane.

How fast it goes to shit when you talk to me. How fast my sanity runs out the door, down the street. How I instantly wish to scream and rant and rave and cry so hysterically and start pushing people away...

When I'm like this I don't know how to deal with them and no one knows how to deal with me. I realize I don't know how to deal with anyone.

I'm ready to run away again. Find home in another state, country, life time. Just... Away...

No home. No roots. No chance for pain whether created by others or myself.

One of These Days

One of these days you might realize how like your mother you are. I asked for help when I needed to, after you kept saying to do so.

You want your house to be without kids, I'm over 18 so your obligation is done so you say, and fine, it is, which is why I am trying to get out. Trying to take care of myself.

Unlike with you, I don't have someone to pay my rent. I have no one to pay my bills, no one to support me while I go to school. I have to do it all myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to get myself to a point where I won't be freaking out cuz I can't afford my rent and trying to get a car and all that. I don't know what more to do.

I'm doing it alone. No mom to pay my rent. No dad to cover my bills. Just me.

I realize its taking a while but shouldn't you be proud that one come this far? Look at how far I sank. Look at where I was picking myself up from. But that doesn't matter.

Nothing is an achievement, just expectation. Regardless of what it is. I could be elected president, it was expected. Not earned and achieved.

Forever the disappointment.

*Breezie*

The Bite Was Strong

It bit me... And now it doesn't wanna go away...

*SIGH*

I... Want a baby... Badly...

I can't shake the feeling of disappointment each month that my period shows up, like its supposed to because I'm not pregnant.. not that I expected to be but I'm not. And I want to be.

Today is the 4th of July, I spent it with my boyfriends family even though the Traveling Soldier is not here. Nasty case of strep and he's home in bed. So I'm here without him.

His sisters, both here, have little boys. Both are great kids and I have so much fun with them, playing with them, making them giggle and cleaning up bloody noses and running around the lawn as the little one crawls... Dexter is 11 months old. So sweet, so awesome, not a crier at all. So I have fun with him. William is 2 and a great kid.

And I'm thinking... Ok. All my siblings have them. I'm the only one without. I enjoy being Auntie but I really want to be mommy...

*sigh*

The bug bit me and it bit me good...

Have a safe and happy 4th everyone

*Breezie*