Obsession

Over the weekend I experienced what was probably the scariest time of my life.

The nurse giving me oxygen, fluids, a shot to stop my labor because I was only 5 centimeters dilated and my son was forcing his way out and his heart rate kept tanking. .. Really was super calm even though my son was at risk for dying. Even my brother assaulting me while pregnant, I was scared but I knew it would be ok because I had my husband.

This weekend I could have lost my husband. I still worry. I will always worry.

How do I deal with being scared? Finding an obsessive outlet.

Two words: Fantasy. Football.

Looking up all the players and whether or not they are injured, did they suffer an injury last season, etc. is the way I am dealing. Yep. Hours and hours of research and decisions and checking bye weeks and double checking by weeks. Hours. My brain is swimming with football.

It's ok though. I am in it to win it. Let's just hope I have some beginners luck ;)

I need something to make me stop starring at my husband wondering if at any moment it's going to happen again. I will explain what at a later date. In the meantime, I will obsess and obsess and obsess some more about fantasy. My dream team I am hoping wins me some happy money.

Until then,

*Breezie*

"Life is Beautiful"- Sixx A.M.

Musings

There is a moment in life where you realize that everything you went through really did prepare you for something better. Cliche, yes, but we are talking about me and I don't care. My horribly failed relationships, my parents constant fighting growing up, even my attempted suicide.

My parents argued daily. They called each other names, my mom broke things that belonged to my dad, they "stole" from each other. They got into fights so bad things would get thrown and my dad usually would retreat in the car life battles of the middle ages. He would disappear for the day, not often the same place twice in case my mom wanted to find him. I tell you this to lead you into this:

My parents relationship made me beloved that behavior was normal. Couples fight, they stick it out for this reason or that. Everyone deals with it right? It's normal to see your boyfriend throw his daughter across the house(literally), or him be drunk and threaten to beat you with a simple fist in your face. He didn't hit me, but he surely did make it clear that he could and would. Another got drunk, disappeared for days, spent all our money on weed, constantly accused me of cheating, told me no one could love me as much as him, cheated and gave me chlamydia and still said I was the cheat. I nearly took my own life and was ready to die. This is all normal though. This happens. My mom nearly took her life quite a few times growing up. 3 times in 18 months when I was 21 and 22, so my singular attempt is actually normal right?

Those happily ever afters don't exist. People don't actually respect each other, treat each other like adults, and ACTUALLY behave like they love each other. That can't be. Hollywood does that. They romanticize life and love but that is not reality. My relationships were normal. I couldn't find any examples around me that didn't have something like that involved in their lives at some point or another.

At some point I reached enough. I set a new standard. I would be treated with respect and I would settle for nothing less. I had to keep my mental health well. I couldn't reach the point of wishing for death again. I wouldn't allow someone to have control of my life like that.

I met a guy. He was silly and sweet. Southern gentleman out of movies sweet. Opens my door. Never tells me what I can't do unless he finds it unsafe. Rarely gets angry. Has never once yelled at me... Ever. I have been with him nearly 2 years. Married a little over a year. He made me realize that you CAN have a happy life, a respectful relationship, and raise children in a family that doesn't act like how I grew up.

I never wanted any child of mine to be raised in a home like my childhood. My husband is my best friend. He opened my eyes to what the world can be like, to a truly happy me. I haven't been medicated for my bipolar disorder since I have been with Hubby. He is my medicine and keeps me balanced.

All the things I saw and dealt with was so I would give my husband the chance and see him and not take him for granted.

On September 3rd, 2013, our son was born. Yep, he hung on and was brought into the world full term, healthy, happy, and into the arms of loving parents. Blessed is the only description for my life now. All of the above brought me to this. My son is beautiful. He is wonderful. He is almost 8 months old, crawls, walks along furniture... He is my greatest accomplishment.

Here is an idea how happy life has become: I got my first job at 11. Inconsistant and sporadic at best, but a job. At 16 I got a steady job and still worked the other one. I have only been unemployed for 3 weeks since then... Until I was 38 weeks pregnant when my boss said to me that my next shift was covered. He put me on maternity leave. I thought I'd be back to work in 8 weeks, at the most, because I can't stay home. I haven't worked since August. I'm happy. Best job ever and the only one that is this important. I'm shaping a child and his mind. I love the little boogie.

In the past, I only blogged when upset, but today was just an update and a moment of happiness.

I leave you with one of my favorite happy songs:

"Pumpin' Blood"- Nonono

*Breezie*

Time Goes By....

my phone makes me angry, yes i can post from it as long as the app for my phone works. problem, my phone doesnt want to FUNCTION with too many apps, and that is one that it doesnt want to support.. GRR..

If my tax return would ever get here i could get my new phone...

So... i was pregnant again.. and so far i still am :) today i am 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant, baby boy, and we are naming him Jackson. he is an active little guy who has some incredibly strong kicks even if the kicks arent that frequent. he likes to roll. i dont know how to explain that sensation but thats what he does. i am so excited for my little baby. September 1st cant seem to come fast enough.

Married life: no different than single life with a partner. i really have such an amazing husband. a weirdo, a goober, a complete riot who looks at me on a daily basis and accepts my quirky little things... like when i told him i wanted to alphabetize all of our movies by genre(drama, action, comedy, tv, ..etc.) he just stared at me and told me he loves me. i settled for movies in one section, tv on dvd on another, and when Jack gets here there will be kids movies in another section. i have been trying to nest for probably 5-6 weeks, but i feel like that seems to early considering i was only halfway through. i want my house clean, i want my room clean, and when my roommates dont do their part it drives me CRAZY. the joys of sharing your household... i have a plan that should have Hubby and i either renting our own apartment or buying a home within 3 years... but this depends on school for both of us. his plan is welding and i want to go into something for the medical field, and both of us should be done pretty quickly... well, before we are 30. mostly me... because i am a tiny bit older than my husband. 30. no more roommates, financially stable and paying off mountains of student debt. all while trying to provide our son with the best life we can possibly provide him with and all the love a child should have.


"Simple Man"- Shinedown (Lynyrd Skynyrd originally but i am a sucker for acoustic)

*Breezie*

So Much To Say

Right now... I kind of feel... I dunno. Like I owe my readers something.. to be honest, I'm sure I don't. I only have 2 followers, one who knows what's going on, the other, not so. But I don't know that she even reads me religiously. Not that my blog is consistent enough for that...
So.. where to begin? A few months ago, I shared a post. It was my story. One reason out of many for why my head is so ridiculously FUCKED right now... My up bringing is another reason, but I don't feel like going there this moment...
Maybe I should dabble there..
My mother is bipolar. Now, some of you may be aware of how it kind of works.. some of you might even be bipolar yourself. First thing is first... No two people are the same. There are general symptoms of bipolar disorder. Also know, if a doctor has not diagnosed you, you might not be. You might have something else going on, so while it is good that your aware something is wrong, GO SEE A DOCTOR. Beyond that... As I said, no two people are the same. Some are the manic kind. The kind that don't sleep, the kind that almost remind you of a crack addict, they are generally on the happy side when manic. Generally. There is the depressed side. The I-don't-wanna-get-out-of-bed side, the tearful and sad side. The despair. The feeling of being utterly alone and like no one understands. And there is the in between...
When I say no two people are the same, I mean that. I started showing signs of being bipolar, I don't know when, but I did. Everything inside me is so out of whack, I couldn't begin to tell you what has happened. I took a stupid online test and found myself testing about as bipolar as they come. Hello, you have my attention. I found myself sleeping maybe 2 hours a night in November, regardless of everything I tried to do. I just didn't sleep. Weeks. Like that. Angry. Depressed but wide awake, screaming, fighting. Pushing fights. My poor fiance truly did have a lot to put up with. I did try reaching out. I swear I did. At some point, in December, I felt so dead inside I wanted to die. So I said something. I reached out, I asked for help, I called a hospital, I called and tried to get myself help and wasn't called back. I reached out to friends, and some to this day simply do not get it. Their words scream their lack of understanding.
In my life, very close to me are 3 bipolar people. Each different, as different as can be. And I was compared to another bipolar person and told there is no way I am. One has a tendency to be manic, my mom was always depressed and the other fluctuates so much it could make ur head spin. My mother has only had 2 full on manic episodes in her 25+ years being bipolar. I have seen her manic, but she's what they call hypo manic. Kind of a toned down version. They aren't so cracked out. My mom thinks I'm like that, and I am in agreeance that my mania is moderately manageable.
Well, on December 30th 2011, I took an entire bottle of pills and I tried to kill myself. I. Was. Done. Tired of hurting, of asking for help and not getting it. I thought about it for weeks. Realizing that yes, a few people cared, but couldn't fix me and others cared but didn't have the time to try and help. I have worked so hard to over come everything I was brought up with. I got tired of fighting. I got tired of fighting for the will to live.
Sometimes people can try to help but don't know how to proceed in doing so. Sometimes, they try and become overwhelmed by their feelings. Sometimes they are pushed to breaking points. Often times he was pushed by me for no reason other then my desire to drive him away. I don't think it was different then me telling another person I wanted them to stop caring so I could die in peace. I just didn't know how to push her like that right then... I was also totally trashed, drunk to puking and the leave-me-the-hell-alone-so-I-can-die kind of drunk, except it wasn't just the alcohol making me projectile vomit, I actually said it and meant it. She asked me later if I remembered what I said, and being as I was drunk and know I babbled a lot, I said no. Not sure what of my many things were said. She picked that, I claimed to not remember or very vaguely. It made it easier to keep her off my back as I decided how I would do it, when, and get all my stuff packed n ready for easy transport to be gotten rid of and thrown away or donated.
I kept telling my fiance how I felt and he kept telling me to get help. He didn't know how to get it for me and I didn't know how to make it go faster. He tried but I know my uncontrollable state of mind has taken a toll on him, but he loves me regardless. As he's kept telling ke he was going to get his court stuff handled, he started becoming worried about being gone. About my mental state. Rightfully so. I think he is the only person in my life who had seen inside my head and knew what was there.
On the 30th, I broke. Snapped. Got upset and decided I didn't care ne more.
And I barely remember that weekend. I got out of the hospital and vaguely remember the weekend. All of it. It was dark Friday night. I got back to my moms n told her Jaimie didn't know and she needed to. I remember her crying on me. I remember another friend on Saturday, barely. I slept through New Years, waking at 12:07, texting Jaimie happy birthday and falling back to sleep. Sunday I got up out of bed for more then just to pee. I ate some scrambled eggs that night, n went back to bed. Doctors had told me no work til at least Monday. I returned to work Monday night. I was still sick, felt horrible, and wasn't sure I had energy to last 6 hours on my feet. I'd spent the past 3 days asleep. I wouldn't drink caffeine, scared it would harm my system. I needed to heal.


*WRITTEN 2/3/2012*
i didnt realize i never finished it and didnt post it. i got therapy, got help, got on medication, and now i'mmarried, happy, and stable.

That Feeling...(written 8/5/2012, didnt post properly, posting today!)

I made huge steps and progress in my life this week.
I now have a home :) I have an apartment. After losing my house last October I felt like I'd never be back in my own place. I attempted suicide in December after despair swept over me to the point I couldn't take any more. I've spent months trying to get back on my feet. Years. I feel like I lost myself 3 years ago after I was raped.. I've been lost inside for a long time and I actually feel myself coming together again.
My apartment is beautiful :) The community is nice. My roommate is awesome. She is as excited as I am. Her divorce last year had her living on her moms couch for the last year... And if you really know me, you know I was living on my friends couch for most of the last 10 months. Wow. Almost a year being "homeless".
Now, I have a home. Every day I come home to my house, my bed, my room. After we are finished with the moving and stuff, I plan to have my kitty to come home to :) that makes me even more happy...
My Soldier leaves for basic and AIT in October, he was also living at his moms, so until then, he's going to live with me. I wake up to him, fall asleep with him.. its nice.
When I moved in with Josh and Jeremy it was what felt right, but I remember more hesitation.. I don't feel that this time. I don't feel like this is going to probably go drastically wrong and I'm going to be broken again.. it feels right. Like he really is that other part of me.. Like maybe he isn't just another one passing through.. he's genuinely sweet and polite, charming, loving, and best of all, when we do have the rare argument, he's still respectful. He doesn't call me names and tell me I'm stupid and make me feel like I'm worthless.
Him being home with me for once feels like its cuz we want it and not because its needed... I feel like I should have been born with another foot... For another sock...
That feeling?
It's called complete.

Lots of New!

i have found i am missing the blog world. i found some awesome blogs to follow, but i got so far behind, its been difficult to fall back in. i felt lost the last time i tried catching up but i was also busy working a LOT more than i do now. so... i think im adding all my blogger back onto my phone and my blog app so i can keep up with you guys. not that i myself have that many readers although i have over 1000 page views!! i was pretty shocked to see that!

So... update on me. my miscarriage was devastating. i found myself being more judgmental with people who had kids. if they seemed ungrateful(like my neighbors often do) i found myself wanting to scream at them and try and make them realize how blessed they were to have a child at all... when i am a loving woman who wants a kid and couldnt have them. i interact with my nieces and nephews and have heard how i'd be a good mom, but i lose babies.. it is not fair.

Needless to say, I harbored anger. I was trying to let it go, spending time with the little kiddos in my life made me feel better and made my heart happy but i still had anger...

Christmas came... I got engaged. Again. This time is different. My whole relationship and life is different. In almost every possible way.

New years came... i was sick. and late -_-

And..... pregnant. Again. I cried. i was not and am not ready to be in that situation again. I was already 5 weeks when i found out. had my first ultrasound at 5 weels and 5 days and found a healthy little baby with a healthy heartbeat. i couldnt hear it but i could see it. i began planning ideas for a summer wedding and then we just decided to do it.

So a week ago, i got married. it was small, short, sweet, and to the point. the ceremony took literally less than 5 min and it was pretty much family. we are still having out big wedding and im probably waddling down the aisle at 8 and 1/2 months pregnant. im due on September 1st and i am getting more excited but trying really hard not to get that way too early. at this point i am 10 weeks. i had constant nausea since about 5 weeks and 3 days that subsided 4 days ago and honestly had me worried. my super tender boobs stopped being tender and i finally looked up stuff online and it said i am looking normal. lots of women stop their nausea at 10 weeks, it means my placenta is taking over the hormone stuff and nourishing my baby. i can only hope. 3 miscarriages and all of them before 6 weeks, the baby is the size of a plum and i dont want to imagine what that pain would feel like. ever. not again. the devastation my husband and i suffered the last time was so awful.

So, i am hoping this time... everything works. hopefully i have my baby as i am planning and my husband is now not joining the military, so i dont have to worry about him leaving :) i completely supported his decision to be in the military especially since it was decided before we got together but now i get to have him for my pregnancy and always. i  dont need to worry about him getting  shot or blown up over in Afghanistan or Syria or any of the other places that are experiencing conflict.


Until next time lovlies....

*Breezie*

"The Girl"-City and Colour

Follow Up

So I went to the doctor to follow up after my miscarriage. I didn't wanna be there, but I don't really get that choice.

I needed to do this. I had questions.

The doctor asked me to come back again in 2 weeks to do blood work so they can test and see if something is wrong that made me miscarry. This is my 3rd one. I have no children. So now I just wait...