SUPERMONO!!!

So... I go to work Saturday.. slightly sore throat... no biggy... Wake up Sunday, sore n swollen n fever. Well, not my favorite but I will live. I'm sure I'm fine, right? Can't find ne one to cover my shift, of course, so I go...
Monday, fever breaks!! Yay! Now my body aches are gone, my head feels better but still swollen and sore..
Take a shower.. I sneeze.. I START SPITTING BLOOD. Huh. K. Not good. My tonsils started to bleed. Fiance MAKES ME GO TO the emergency room where I am terrified they r going to tell me I have tonsilitis, and tell me they are taking my tonsils and I'll have to teach my throat how to control my voice so I can sing. That's right.

I am in the emergency room with bleeding tonsils and I'm worried I'll have to learn to sing again... did I ever mention that I live to sing???

So, the doctor sees, she says it makes her throat hurt. She does a strep culture n asks if I have ever had mono... no. So she takes blood...

Strep culture: POSITIVE!!!
Mono test: POSITIVE!!!

Yep, I have BOTH. SERIOUSLY?!?!!!

But I have my tonsils... so, Supermono it is. That's what I am calling this. It's both, so its an easy way to say it. No work, no singing, no active, just sleep n lay down...

Oh, and they gave me a penicillin shot in my butt.*forehead smack*

My butt hurts. I am currently living in a house full of my friends who are gay, butt pain isn't my forte...

So being as it is 3:41am, I am going to bed... or attempting it..

Night

*Breezie*

Blessed

My past week has been horribly stressful.

I have had to ask people to let me stay on their couch. I am homeless. Growing up I didn't have a lot but I always had a home, parents who loved and cared for me, clothes on my back and food in my belly. This feels horrible. To be homeless, to have to ask my mom to sleep on her couch, my friends, to find rides, to try and sort out my life.

And the thing that sticks the most in my mind? This is what I did for other people. And they performed a Hostile Takeover and here I am. I am trying to make sure that in every house I step into my footprint is small. The amount of space I occupy is small. The stress I put on them is minimal.

I feel terrible having to IMPOSE on these people.. it is not what I want to be doing, regardless of the fact that Jaimie, Ryan, and Brian are my best friends and my mother is my mom. They all understand. But I still feel terrible.

I am so very blessed. These people love me, they care about me, they are amazing people. Others who know them only partially know their amazingness but they are amazing and I am blessed. I wish everyone had people like this in their life, but sadly I have watched people take advantage and burn bridges instead of appreciate those people who help them. I don't just mean my situation, I watched people do it to them as well.

I know I am blessed. I am forever thankful for these people in my life.

Thank you...

*Breezie*

P.s. I know the fiance wasn't mentioned in this post, we are currently staying at separate places to help reduce stress where we can and so he can continue job hunting and locating a permanent place to live.. I miss him terribly and love him more...

Legos In My Pocket: Anorexic COSTUMES??

Legos In My Pocket: Anorexic COSTUMES??

I saw this fb post a friend posted... and I am posting a link to my very best friends blog, and I have to say I am UTTERLY DISGUSTED by this.

You read articles in magazines about anorexic girls and their stories. I would see people on Oprah. I saw people on Maury when the show wasn't saying "he is NOT the father!". We talked in health class about the dangers of it in high school.. NOW THERE IS A COSTUME PROMOTING THAT?!

NOT. OK.

I battle anorexia. I have battled it for nearly 2 years now. I get upset or anxious and I will not eat. When I am stressed, I will not eat. If I do, I get sick to my stomach and throw up, so instead, I choose not to eat. I can go 3 days without eating, eat a little hot pocket, and go another couple days. I am aware of how unhealthy it is, and I know its not the answer. I realize I probably need therapy and I know when this started getting out of control. I was encouraged to blog as a form of therapy. That's why I started this. Well.. one reason.. and this is only one issue that I am dealing with. I don't like being this way. I LOVE THE TASTE OF FOOD. I LOVE THE SMELL! I love food, but when I am really stressed out and upset, I find myself not eating.. how far has it gone? I went from 230lbs all the way down to 155lbs. I am healthier size wise, but I so wanted to get here by a healthy means. I am worried with my stress of my housing situation I will find myself not eating. Find myself hungry and wanting to but just unable to.

Ugh.. I kinda went off topic.. my fiance is aware of my problem, he tries to make me eat regularly, as best he can. My mother and my best friend at Legos in My Pocket also gets on my ass. But really? A costume? That encourages that?

Disgusting.

*Breezie*

Feeling... Hopeless

Feeling... hopeless. And I don't like it. I am an optimist. I take the hand I'm dealt and I am almost always sure I will win. Even if I don't, I am resilient and bounce back. Stronger.

Right now? I feel dull. Like I won't bounce back. Like its a waste to hope that he will get the job, my car will get fixed, I'll ever get to go to school... That we can make it to the aisle... not even due to our fights, but because we don't catch breaks. So I will never have enough money saved for a dress, and I want my dress... even if I just stand on a beach with him and we say our vows and there's only the most important people there... I feel like we can't catch a break enough to make it to there...

I hate feeling like my bounce is gone. Storm clouds are over head and my sunshine is gone... I was indifferent Thursday and Friday, yesterday I felt angry, and today I feel my emotions swallowing me and telling me it won't be ok. That it should be, but I have done something so wrong and it won't be ok. I don't know what I did. I go to work, I graduated from high school, I have had steady employment since I was 16. I take care of myself asking for help only when I need it and I am always there for my friends when they need me.

I AM A GOOD PERSON. A gentle kind person. I smile at people. You know that saying about strangers and smiles and you never know how positively it can effect them? That's my hope. I make their day just by being a stranger who smiled.

I don't know or see what I did wrong here... and for that, I feel hopeless.

*Breezie*

Reflection

I spent last night cleaning at work like a Merry Maid on crack. 10pm-1am flew by so fast... and then I realized I still had all my regular cleaning and stocking to do.. I spent the time reflecting on my life. The recent events, how I believe in karma and I am truly wondering what I did to deserve such unfavorable karma... my car.. my house.. my former roommate Ryan, my roommates that moved in knowing all about that situation.. really? What did I do? I am a NICE person. I gave these people places to stay cuz they needed help. I've always been able to find help when I needed it, here was me giving these people help... and they took advantage and SHIT all over me.. no other way to say that.. on a positive note.. Fiance and I feel if we can make it through all this we can make it through ne thing. I think this is our big test. Homeless is a TOUGH thing.. and now I'm doing it without a car. I hope we make it.. this is what I spent last night reflecting on... and wanting to blog this too.. it would have been longer and more chaotic, but I was at work. Stupid work.. lol cut into my blog time..

*Breezie*

Spoken Too Soon...

So thankfully... the fiance and I were able to work out our issues... All I wanted was snuggling, kisses, and "I love you" whispered a million times a night like we do when we aren't fighting. Last night I got that. He ran into my arms at midnight while I was at work and it completely made my night.

But my post the other night was called "There's No Place Like Home"... do I have a home anymore? Nope. I was just uprooted from my home. Yesterday while I was gone, one of our roommates started to pick a fight with my extremely irritated fiance. He was angry cuz we were still fighting. Now, I should mention, we have 5 people in our house. Over half are siblings. Yes, my fiance, his older brother, older sister, her boyfriend and long time friend to both boys and myself. They usually all get along great, but add in booze to the boyfriend and he's an irresponsible asshole. He got in my fiances face and fiance told him to back down. HE THEN HIT MY FIANCE IN THE HEAD WITH A CRYSTAL ASHTRAY. My fiance has a very hot temper.. and he walked away. I was so proud. He left. Upon returning drunk boy went at it again. This time sister was drunk too, and her boyfriend made for swinging. Brother left, fiance left again, I called the cops from work but brother wouldn't kick them out. His sister has no where else to go. We will not live there and are now trying to find a new home.. did I mention my car died a few weeks ago? So I'm begging for rides from friends to help with getting out all our things.

Brother has made it clear he wants them there. They cook every night and clean, which he doesn't so much.. so he will be fed and his house will be spotless and he won't have to lift a finger. He rarely did and we have lived there since June...

As upset as I should b with this, I'm not. I am upset, but I was more devastated at the idea of losing my love. Getting to sleep in his arms was so relaxing... felt AMAZING. Having him through this makes it better. Sadly, it is what calmed our storm, but sometimes chaos brings people together... now let's hope he keeps his head out of his butt so we can stay good!

Is it just me? Or does chaos and drama really seem to follow me? No.. it does.. so what am i doing tonight? I'm hanging out and watching Wilfred, which is AWESOME!! my friend is passed out on the couch n keeps giggling in his sleep... as I blog from my phone...

:)
*Breezie*

No Place Like Home

Sometimes life is amazing, and sometimes it spins you in circles and creates the most dizzying effect on your brain. This week has been this way. My relationship with my fiance isn't always the best, but I love him and when I have super crazy psycho moments he looks at me and tells me he loves me and snap out of it. This week we have been fighting, I haven't been home in days. I'm standing my ground and telling him I want the respect I deserve, that sometimes the things he pulls is really bullshit, and that I deserve for him to try as hard with us as I do. And the last 3 days has been full of fighting, screaming, yelling cuz I told him he's selfish... is part of this my fault? Of course. I enabled him for so long. Now to attempt correction seems out of the picture. I feel his priorities aren't where they should be and I'm telling him why. And what I'm receiving is agonizing heart ache.
I WANT TO GO HOME. I WANT TO SNUGGLE IN MY BED WITH MY HEAD ON HIS CHEST AND HIS HANDS IN MY HAIR AND KISSES ON MY FOREHEAD. I WANT MY KITTY AND MY DOG AND MY LIFE. I WANT MY HOME THAT I HAVE WITH HIM. ALL I WANT IS TO GO HOME. This is truly agonizing.
He doesn't read my blog so he won't be reading this, but he is the man I love and all I want is to go home.
There is no place like home.
*Breezie*


A happier time.... him and i..